Patrick goes into the confessional box after a long lapse from going to
church. Inside he finds a fully equipped bar, Guinness on tap and a row of
decanters with fine Irish whiskey. On the wall is a dazzling array of
cigars. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to
confession, but I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting
than it used to be. The priest replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side".
The Highest Power
Carolyn Heap, another Sunday School teacher, said to her children, 'We
have been learning about how powerful the kings and queens were in
Biblical times. But there is a higher power. Who can tell me
what it is?' George blurted out, 'I know, Aces.'
Something Missing - Missing Something?
Going over our church finances I found a receipt from a local paint
store signed by someone named Christian. I wasn't aware of anyone buying
paint, so I called the store to point out its mistake 'I'm sorry,' I told the manager, 'but there are no Christians here at
St Mary's Church.'
Amusing and Good
Humoured Religious Jokes
Father Brian, an elderly Catholic priest, was speaking to Father Karl, a
younger priest, saying, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews
with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the
church always fills first now.' Father Karl nods, and the old priest continues, 'And you told me adding a
little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I
supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our
services are consistently packed to the rafters.' 'Thank you, Father Brian,' answers the young priest. 'I am pleased that
you are open to the new ideas of youth.' 'All of these ideas have been well and good,' comments Father Brian
wisely. But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru
confessional.' 'But, Father Brian,' protests the young Father Karl, 'My confessions have
nearly doubled since I began that!' 'Indeed,' replies the elderly priest, 'And I appreciate that. But the
flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell" cannot stay on the church
Short Stories With a Religious Theme
Darlene was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime
story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to
touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then
his again. Finally she spoke up, 'Grandpa, did God make you?' 'Yes, darling,' he answered, 'God made me a long time ago.' 'Oh,' Darlene paused, 'Grandpa, did God make me too?' 'Yes, indeed, poppet,' he said, 'God made you just a little while ago.' Feeling their respective faces again, Darlene observed, 'God's getting
better at it, isn't he?'
Benjamin listened closely as Rabbi Greenbaum read from the Bible.
'May I ask a question?' Ben asked. Of course, go ahead, ask your question,' replied the rabbi. 'Well, the Bible says that the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,'
continued Ben, 'also that the children of Israel built the temple, the
children of Israel did this and the children of Israel did that. Didn't the
grown-ups ever do anything?'
More Short Christian Jokes
It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5 year old Craig stayed home from church with a
babysitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Craig inquired as to what they were for. 'People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by,' his father responded. 'Wouldn't you just know it?' Craig complained, 'the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up.'
Theresa, living in Nebraska, USA, decides to post the old family Holy Bible
to her brother in Maine. The postal worker enquires as to whether there is
anything breakable in the parcel. 'Only the Ten Commandments,' Theresa replies with a smile.
Vicar Rides Again
A narrow escape The Reverend Douglas Johnston was not the best of drivers. One Sunday he was driving home from church when unfortunately, he had a minor bump with cyclist. The poor man was knocked off his bike
into the ditch. The Vicar naturally stopped his car, got out and profusely apologised and gave the cyclist his calling card
saying that if he could ever be of help, then the man should not hesitate to ask. As the man rode home he looked at the card which said, 'The Reverend Douglas Johnston is sorry he missed you today.'
Help from God
A woman named Edna finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's
in serious financial trouble. She's
so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...'
please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't
get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.' Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Edna again
prays.... 'God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.' Lotto night comes and Edna still has no luck. Once again, she prays, 'My God, why have
you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't
often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE, just let me win the lotto this one
time so I can get my life back in order. Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Edna is confronted by the voice of God Himself: 'Edna, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.'
More Funny Christian Jokes
Michael, the local vicar at St Mary's, is talking to one of his
parishioners. Michael remarks, 'When you get to my age you spend a lot more time
thinking about the hereafter.' 'Why do you say that?' enquires the
parishioner. Michael, the pastor replies, 'Well, I often find myself going into a room
and thinking what did I come in here after.'
What did the Zen Buddhist monk say to the hotdog seller? Make me One with
everything. See also Knock-Knock
What do you make of this church? This Church-by-the-Sea in Tampa Bay, Florida, has become a tourist
attraction because people think it looks like a chicken!
A man goes to see his Vicar and confesses, 'Father, I've become a
compulsive thief.' The Reverend Father tells him to pray for forgiveness
and then adds, 'If you're not cured in a couple of weeks would you get me a
Humorous Biblical Shorts
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Noah, because he
was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
What kind of motor vehicles are mentioned in the Bible?
a) Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
b) David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
c) A Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson because he
brought the house down.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? When
Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
There is the allegedly true story of Father George who began his sermon
early one Sunday morning by announcing to his congregation at St John's,
Newbury, England, 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have
enough money to pay for our new building programme. The bad news is, it's
still out there in your pockets.' Father Michael, of St Mary's church began his sermon with this story: 'I
was on a plane last week, from Edinburgh to London, when we ran into some
very severe weather which resulted in turbulence. As it got worse, the
passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the airline stewards began
to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Reverend' in front of my name on
the passenger list, so she approached me, and said, 'Sir, this is really
frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know.........do something
religious?' 'So I took up a collection,' retold Father Michael with a grin.
Three More Short Christian Jokes
Reverend Billy Graham Makes Big Impression on Small Boy
This story is allegedly true: Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to post a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had
told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, 'If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.' The boy replied, 'I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office.'
Young Jonathan was visiting a church for the first time. He checked all the announcements, posters and pictures along the walls. When he came to a group of
pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby verger, 'Who are all those men in the pictures?' The verger replied, 'Why, those are our boys who died in the service'. Dumbfounded, the Jonathan asked,
'Was that the morning service or the evening service?'
A Funny "Religious" Horse Story
Alan bought a horse, a religious horse it appeared. Strangely, the horse
only reacted to two words: the word "Hallelujah" to make it go, and "Amen"
to make it stop. Excited, Alan took his new horse out on the range and was riding it
happily when he realised he was heading towards the edge of a cliff.
Terrified, Alan forgot which word was the one to stop the horse. Obviously wanting to prevent falling over the cliff to certain death, he
bellowed out a prayer ending with the word - Amen. Phew! The horse stopped. 'Hallelujah,' shouted the relieved Alan. Footnote: Please send us your
funny Christian jokes, short
stories or amusing pictures.