What’s the collective noun for clean religious jokes?
A collection!
Church News
We collect our stories from Pews News and other church publications. Here is a snippet from the the Roman Catholic Holy Spirit Church in Marple, Stockport in the diocese of Shrewsbury.
New Carpet: There will be a discussion in May as to how we might raise funds for the new carpet. All who wish to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so now.
Baptisms: From now on, the North and South ends of the church will be utilised. Children will be baptised at both ends.
Church Service with a Difference
Seen on the notice board of a church:Try heeling our services. (Try our healing services?)
You won’t get better.
Charity Begins at ChurchAfter the church service, seven year old Brian said to the preacher: ‘When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.’
‘Well, thank you, ‘the preacher replied, ‘but why?’
‘Because my daddy says that you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.’
Funny Church Announcements
- The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of Roderick James Hillman, the sin of Revd. and Mrs. Hillman.
- For those of you who have children – and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
A Miracle?
Father O’Malley was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest’s breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said, ‘Father, have you been drinking?’
‘Only water’, replied Father O’Malley.
The policeman asked, ‘Then how come I can smell wine?’
The priest looked at the bottle and said, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again.’
Ten Commandments
‘Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.’
HL Mencken
Know your Ten Commandments
Henry, who was very elderly, was unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying.
When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on ‘The Ten Commandments.’
After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, ‘I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.’
The vicar answered, ‘You mean the commandment ‘ Thou shall not steal’ changed your mind?’
‘No, ‘retorted Henry, ‘the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat.’
Here is the 11th Commandment ….
Reminder: What are the 10 Commandments?
More Examples of Church Signs
Check out the Great American Book of Church Signs. It captures modern day faith on the road. Each sign reflects the enthusiasm of the local Church. The book – and the signs themselves – encourage us to live better lives.
Furthermore, Will and Guy love the way each Church sign reminds us to laugh along life’s journey.
Out of the Mouths of Children
The Hand of God
Little Philip was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in infant school. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother commented, ‘Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?’
‘Yes, ‘replied Philip, ‘God did it and he did it left handed.’
This confused his grandmother so she asked him, ‘What makes you say God did this with his left hand?’ ‘Well, ‘said Philip, ‘we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand.’
Bible Study
Richard, my friend’s little grandson came home from Sunday School and I asked him what they had studied.
His reply was, ‘Nothing.’
So I asked him, ‘Didn’t you study Jesus?’
Richard’s reply was, ‘No, he wasn’t even there.’
