The modern trend is for fathers to attend the birth of
their children. One busy hospital in central England has a special room for expectant fathers. Whilst the average gestation period for human babies is 9 months, there is almost as much variation for
time babies stay in the womb as there is for the weight of the newborn. Consequently, the father's
room can get quite crowded with a mixture of fathers attending premature births, and those whose babies
stubbornly refuse to enter this world on time. The scene is set. In the father's
room are 8 expectant fathers, my
friend is called Michael, he sees one or two fathers called in, but
he has to wait. When eventually Michael is called in to see his wife Janet, she is in a distressed state. What had upset Janet was not the labour but the fact that 10 minutes previously, the Doctor called in the wrong Michael. That Michael was not her husband. Can you imagine their mutual horror? There is Janet in the birthing position, being confronted by a man who is not her
husband. If anything it was even more traumatic for the 'wrong Michael'. Apparently the encounter affected him so badly that he fainted and had to be taken on a trolley to the accident and emergency department.
Sadly as a result, he missed the birth of his own
baby. When the dust had
settled, Janet and baby were fine. The 'right Michael'
was thrilled to be the proud father. However, he later confided in me, 'Guy, at work, now they have something else to snigger about, I am fed up of them teasing me about my name'. Mike Stand. Off the record, one of the nurses said that the 'Wrong Michael'
had been a great help in distracting Janet and that they were considering employing a 'Wrong Michael'
to induce reluctant babies.
When I was at
college a good friend, named Shaun, was notorious for not contacting home from one week to another. All his time was taken up with studying, drinking and sleeping.
Then one day he received the following
letter: Dear Shaun, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger back then and more impressionable. Love, Dad.
Paragon of Virtue
Trevor was bragging in the pub about his eldest son and telling anybody
willing to listen just how perfect he was. 'He doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink
alcohol and he never comes home late,' intoned the proud Trevor. 'How old is this paragon of virtue?' inquired Frank who was at the bar. 'Oh,
he will be six months old next Tuesday,' rejoined Trevor.
Eddie and his wife June are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks June.
'They're on sale, only
$15 for 24 cans Eddie replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them'
demands the wife, and so they carry
on shopping. A few aisles further on along June picks up a $30 jar of face cream and
puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks Eddie.
'It's my face cream. It
makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Heineken and it's half the
price.' Eddie never knew what hit him. The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was: 'Cleanup on
aisle 19, we have a husband down.' Footnote: Husband down was sent in by Tony Pugh,
please send in your funny anecdote.