Irish Jokes

Kerryman Joke

Donncha Cleary walked into a bar in Dublin and asked the barman if he had heard the latest Kerryman joke.

‘I’m warning you,’ said the barman, ‘That I come from Tralee in Kerry meself.’ ‘Dat’s alright,’ said Donncha, ‘I’ll tell it slowly.’

There is something deep in the human psyche about telling such jokes.  Every culture tells similar stories, they just change the names.  For instance, in Ireland itself, they may retell the jokes substituting Kerrymen for Irish.  And in County Kerry, they would substitute ‘West Kerrymen’ for Irish.

How old is old?

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean, and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

‘Come have a look over here,’ says Paddy, ‘It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.’

‘That’s nothing, ‘says Sean, ‘here’s one named Patrick O’ Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.’

Just then, Seamus yells out, ‘Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!’

‘What was his name?’ asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims: ‘Miles, from Dublin.’

Irish Job Application

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.  When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.

The manager went to Murphy and said, ‘Thank you for coming to the interview, but We’ve decided to give the American the job.’

Murphy, ‘And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.’

Manager, ‘We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.’

Murphy, ‘And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?’

Manager, ‘Simple. On question number 7 the American wrote down, ‘I don’t know.’

You put down, ‘Neither do I.’

Wisdom of the Irish – Or Would That Be Irish Wisdom?

O’Toole died and went to Heaven.  Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met O’Toole at the Pearly Gates. ‘I’m sorry O’Toole,’ St Peter said, ‘But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to hold an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden on Heavenly Arrivals.’

‘That’s alright,’ answered O’Toole. ‘What does the Entrance Exam consist of?’ ‘Just 3 Questions,’ said St Peter. ‘Which are?’ asked O’Toole.

The first,’ said St Peter, ‘Is, which two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’? The second is: How many seconds are there in a year? The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?

Now,’ said St Peter, ‘Go away and think about those questions, and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.’

So O’Toole left and gave those three questions some considerable thought. The following morning, St Peter called upon O’Toole and asked if he had considered the questions, to which O’Toole replied, ‘I have so too.

Question 1

‘Well then,’ said St Peter, ‘Which two days of the week start with the letter T?’

O’Toole replied with a grin, ‘Today and Tomorrow.’

St. Peter pondered this answer for some time and decided that indeed the answer could be applied to the question.

Question 2

‘Well then O’Toole, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?’ St Peter went on, ‘How many seconds in a year?’

O’Toole immediately responded, ‘Just the 12!’

‘Only 12?’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘How did you arrive at that figure O’Toole?’ ‘Easy,’ said O’Toole, ‘there’s the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.’

St Peter looked at O’Toole and said, ‘I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.’ And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later St Peter returned to O’Toole. ‘I’ll allow the answer to stand O’Toole, but you need to get the third and final question correct to be allowed into Heaven.’

Question 3

Now O’Toole, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’

O’Toole replied, ‘Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.’ ‘Really!’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘And what is the answer, Mr O’Toole?’ ‘It’s Andy.’ ‘Andy?’ ‘Yes, Andy,’ confirmed O’Toole.

This flabbergasted St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating over the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to O’Toole, enquired, ‘O’Toole, how in God’s name did you arrive at THAT answer?’

‘Easy,’ laughed O’Toole, ‘Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy boiled.’

And so Paddy entered Heaven………………………….

Short Irish Funnies

19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Mick replies, “The film said 18 or over.”

Irish Family Tradition

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ….and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he asked, “Tis me 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?”

Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled blue eyes and said, “Because ye father, ye grandfather, and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya bloomin’ idiot!”

More Examples of Funny Irish One-Liners

• Where were you going when I saw you coming back?
• I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you’d gone.
• ‘What’s wrong with Murphy?’ asked Father Green. ‘I don’t know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn’t stirred since,’ said Mrs Murphy.
• ‘How far is it to the next village?’ asked the American tourist. ‘It’s about seven miles,’ guessed the farmer. ‘But it’s only five if you run!’
• ‘I’m the unluckiest person in the whole world,’ moaned Betty McGrath. ‘I bought a non-stick pan and can’t get the label off.’
• ‘I’d like some nails,’ Mick requested of the raveling tinker. ‘How long would you like them?’ asked the man. ‘Forever, if that’s all right with you,’ said Mick.
• ‘The baby is just like his father,’ said Mary Quinn. ‘But at least he’s got his health!’
• ‘I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!’

Things that only the illogical Irish would say:

1. ‘You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!’
2. ‘How come every time you ring a wrong number it’s never engaged?’
3. ‘Spread out in a bunch.’
4. ‘Hello, Mary, how’s your new false teeth?’ asked Bridget. ‘I’m leaving them out till I get used to them!’ said Mary.

Funny Irish Jokes – Will and Guy’s Favourite Short Irish Yarns

Will and Guy take the view that the equivalent of an ‘Irish joke’ has existed since the dawn of time.  It’s as though every culture has independently developed this genre for spinning yarns and telling jokes.  Even Belgium, not a country noted for its humor has ‘Walloon Jokes’.

Digging a Hole

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

‘Tell me, ‘said the passer-by, ‘What on earth are you doing?’

‘Well, ‘said the digger, ‘Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole.

Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn’t mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?’

Two Irishman Meet a Suisse Tourist

A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne’s pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stopped them and asked,  ‘Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?’

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.

‘Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?’ He tries.

The two continue to stare.

‘Parlare Italiano?’ Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

‘Hablan ustedes Espanol?’ The Dublin lads remain silent.

The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he has not been understood.  One of the boys turns to the second and says, ‘Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!’

‘Why?’ says the youth, ‘That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good!’

O’Shaughnessy Needs Time Off – Irish Humour at its Best

Soon after O’Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O’Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.’ To be sure it was, Boss, ‘he replied, ‘I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.’

‘Gosh, that’s awful, ‘replied the foreman, ‘Do you want the rest of the day off?’

‘No, ‘replied O’Shaughnessy. ‘ I’ll finish the day out.’

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O’Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

‘Bejeezuz Boss, it’s even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!’

Hilarious Irish Joke

At the Cheltenham jumps racing festival last March, Murphy leaned over and whispered to his friend Seamus, ‘Now would you be wanting the winner of the next race?’

‘Oh, no thanks, Murphy,’ uttered Seamus, ‘I’ve only got a small garden.’

Funny Short Irish Stories

Of all countries, Ireland probably has the richest seam of storytellers, here are some good examples of their tall stories.

Preamble, Murphy Arrives in America

Paddy Murphy arrived at Boston’s Logan Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.  A Texan asked him if he was homesick.

‘No,’ replied the Irishman. ‘It’s worse, I have I’ve lost all my luggage.’

‘That’s terrible, how did that happen?’

‘The cork fell out of my bottle’, said Paddy.

Our Longest Short Story

Murphy and O’Brien go out into the woods, they come to a clearing and see an abandoned well.

Murphy said ‘I wonder how deep that well is?’ O’Brien said, ‘There’s one way we could figure it out’.

Murphy says, ‘What’s that?’ O’Brien says, ‘We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we’ve got the depth of the well’.

Murphy says, ‘ What are you going to drop down it?’  Then O’Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground. Next, he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, ‘One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three ……………….. ‘

SPLASH!!!!

Murphy said, ‘Three seconds!’ O’Brien said, ‘Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!’ ‘288 feet!’, Murphy said. ‘Subtract a little for wind resistance, let’s say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep.

As he finished the calculation Murphy shouted, ‘LOOK OUT!!’ and he pushed O’Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well. Murphy said, ‘My God, I’ve never seen anything like that’.

Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and says, ‘What’s going on here boys?’ O’Brien says, ‘We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.’

The farmer says, ‘Thank heaven it wasn’t one of my goats.’ Murphy says, ‘How do you know it wasn’t?’ And the farmer says, ‘Because all of my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.’

More Clean, Yet Funny Irish Jokes

Catholic Dog – Irish Story

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ A mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away, Father. Do ya’ think *€5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?’

* € or Euro converts to an American dollar, more or less, to the nearest approximation.

Englishman, Frenchman, and Irishman – A Classic Irish Joke

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.

‘My son was born on St George’s Day, ‘remarked the Englishman, ‘So we decided to call him George.’

‘That’s a real coincidence, ‘observed the Frenchman, ‘My daughter was born on Valentine’s Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.’

‘That’s incredible, ‘drawled the Irishman, ‘The same thing happened with my son Pancake.’

Donation – Irish Story

Father O’Malley answers the phone.

‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’

‘It is’

‘This is the Inland Revenue Service, income tax department. Can you help us?’

‘I can.’

‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’

‘I do’

‘Is he a member of your congregation?’ He is’

‘Did he donate €10,000 to the church?’

‘He will.’

Could be Worse

I first met O’Reilly when I was in St Peter’s Hospital, Chertsey, England. He was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me when I awoke early on that Friday morning.

I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation.

However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to visit O’Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:

‘What happened to you?’ asked Callaghan.

‘I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op’s plate glass window,’ mumbled O’Reilly.’

‘Begorrah,’ exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, ‘It’s a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you’d have been cut to ribbons!’

• What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk.

Paddy Counts His Rabbits

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?

Paddy: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Five.

Examiner: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Paddy: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?

Paddy: I’ve already got one rabbit at home!

Funny Irish Jokes Kindly Sent by Readers

It’s an Irish Puzzle

Doolin bought himself a jigsaw puzzle with 20 pieces. It took him a month to fit the pieces together correctly. He thought this was terrific, but his mate O’Reilly said, ‘What’s the big deal?’

Doolin said,’ Well it said on the box: 4 to 6 years.’

The Last Word

I met a man the other day named Flanagan and I said, ‘You’re a happy man.’ He said, ‘I am.’

I said, ‘Why?’

‘Well,’ he said, ‘the Income Tax people have been after me for 20 years, driving me mad, to get money out of me, driving me crazy with worry. But, this morning I got a letter from them and it said: FINAL NOTICE.’

‘Thank God,’ he said, ‘I won’t be hearing from them again.’

Fair Verdict

In an Irish courtroom, 12 men sat on the jury.  After the trial, the Judge asked for their verdict. ‘We find the man who stole the horse “Not Guilty”,’ said the foreman of the jury.

Thanks to Roberta for sending in these classic Irish jokes.

Mary and the Priest

Cresley Irwin goes up to Father O’Reilly after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.  He says, “So what’s bothering you, Cresley my dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night.” The priest says, “Oh, Cresley, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father …” The priest says, “What did he ask, Cresley?”

She says, “He said, “Please Cresley, put down that damn gun.”

The Marriage

Declan had asked Cormac for the hand of his daughter in wedlock.

‘And can you support a family?’ asked Cormac. ‘I think so,’ replied Declan.

‘Well. There are six of us, you know,’ said the future father-in-law.

• What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
• One less drunk.

Letter to America from Ireland

Dear Thomas,

Your father has a new job, with 2,000 people under him. He’s a gardener at the local cemetery.

Since I last wrote I have had all my teeth out and a new cooker put in. I was going to send you a turkey but it got better.

I sent you a coat in the post. When the post office weighed it they said I’d have to pay extra for the buttons because they were so heavy. So I cut
the buttons off. You’ll find them in the top pocket.

We’ve had a threatening letter from the undertaker. Unless we pay the outstanding money for your grandma’s funeral by Wednesday – up she comes.

I must close now. I would have enclosed some money, but I’d already sealed the envelope.

A team of council workers were drilling nearby and accidentally cut through the drains to the house. Since then there’s been a terrible smell
from your loving mother,

Siobhan.

An Irishman in Paris

It’s revolutionary France 1789; Paris is in turmoil and three spies from across the channel are about to be guillotined.

‘Do you want to be beheaded on your back or your front?’ the executioner asked Baldwin.

‘On my back,’ said Baldwin. ‘I’m not afraid of death.’

So Baldwin was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner pulled the lever. Schtuck……and the blade jammed. Baldwin was reprieved because no man can be sentenced to death twice.

Cameron was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed, and Cameron was reprieved.

Patrick Murphy was third. ‘Back or front?’

‘If it’s good enough for Baldwin and Cameron, it’s good enough for me,’ and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade.

‘Begorrah,’ Patrick said. ‘Wait just a minute. To be sure, I think I can see why it jams.’

O’Malley’s Wife Goes Shopping

Maggie O’Malley was off to Dublin to do her shopping.  ‘Be careful,’ said Mary McGee. Those Dublin stores charge far more than you’d pay here in Sligo. They always double the price. So when you get there only offer them half.’

‘I will,’ said Maggie, and indeed she did. ‘The green dress in the window,’ she said. ‘It’s priced at £40. That’s much too dear!’ ‘Madam,’ said the salesman, ‘believe me it is a very reasonable price.’

‘Don’t give me that,’ said Maggie. ‘I know your kind, you’re all robbers of the worst kind – I’ll give you £20 for the dress.’ ‘Look, Madam,’ said the salesman. ‘I don’t want a scene. If you calm down, I’ll let you have the dress for £20.’

‘In that case,’ bellowed Maggie to a gathering crowd, ‘I’ll give you £10 for it.’ ‘Madam, please,’ begged the salesman, ‘I don’t want to sully our reputation. If it’ll make you go away you can have it for £10.’

‘In that case, I’ll give you £5,’ said Maggie. ‘Madam, you’re driving me nuts. To get rid of you, please take the dress for nothing.’

‘In that case,’ said Maggie, ‘I want two!’

Whitewashing the Shed

‘I’m thinking of whitewashing the shed,’ said Finnegan to the barman Michael McGee. ‘What color were you thinking of whitewashing it?’ asked McGee.

‘Well, I was thinking of whitewashing it green,’ mused Finnegan. ‘But I’m not sure if I can spare the time.’

‘Why don’t you let my lad do it for you,’ suggested Mick. ‘He’ll whitewash it any color you like. He won’t charge you a penny and it’ll be a
few quid for the boy as well!’

Flying to Dublin

‘Hello, Aer Lingus?’ said Paddy Murphy, ‘Could ye be tellin’ me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?’.

The voice on the telephone said, ‘I’ll see sir, just a minute.’

‘Ahh, ’tis fast. Thank ye’, Paddy said as he hung up.

Siobhan followed her husband to the public house, ‘How can you come here’, she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, ‘and drink that awful stuff?’.

‘Now!’ he cried, ‘And you always thought I was out enjoying meself.’

Classic Saint Patrick’s Day Jokes

What’s in the Name of Patrick?

On St Patrick’s Day, 17th March 2008, over 1,000 Patricks and Patricias gathered in Trafalgar Square.  The point of the gathering was to raise
awareness that Patrick as a name may die out in a few generations.  If you look at a list of the top 300 names for babies, Patrick is not there.
Irish chef Paul ‘Paddy’ Rankin, organized the event to raise awareness of the demise of the name Patrick.

As a sign of the times, the current record for the most people with the same name stands at 1,096 Mohammeds.  The organizers claimed that Patricks broke the record on 17th March 2008.  Will and Guy wonder who checks the birth certificates.  Also, does it count if Patrick is your second or third Christian name?

Donncha is shocked at finding out all his cows suffer from “Bluetongue.” ‘Bejabbers,’ Donncha murmurs, ‘I didn’t even know they had mobile phones.’

Here are classic Irish jokes to share with friends, especially on the 17th of March.

About St Patrick

Legend has it that St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland.  It is also claimed that he had a way with words, and used the three leaves of the
Shamrock explains the Trinity of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Question: does March 17th commemorate St Patrick’s birth or his death, a clue the Irish love their wakes? Answer, St Patrick died on March 17th 461 AD.

It often happens that there are not many Irishmen celebrating St Patrick’s Day in Ireland.  The reason is simple they will all be at the Cheltenham Festival for the racing craic.

Incidentally, the first celebration of St Patrick’s Day in America was in 1737 in Boston.

Bizarre St Patrick’s Day Picture

Table Mountain is lit up in green to commemorate St Patrick’s Day in Cape Town, South Africa

St Patrick’s Day Costume Goes Missing

Will and Guy have discovered that a 6-foot-tall costume in the shape of a pint of Guinness has gone missing from Eastpointe, near Detroit in the USA.

This excessively large green pint is worth about £6,200 [$3,000] and originally from Ireland, appears to have been stolen for the crooks to
use it on their 17th March – St Patrick’s Day celebrations.

Will and Guy fail to believe that the robbers will get away with it as it is so easily recognizable.

Five Funny Short Jokes for St Patrick’s Day

• ‘Hello, Mary, how’s your new false teeth?’ asked Bridget. ‘I’m leaving them out till I get used to them.’ said Mary.
• ‘I hear O’Brien died,’ said Pat. ‘Was he ill long?’ ‘No,’ said Mick. ‘He died in the best of health.’
• Irish businessmen have their names printed on the front and back of their business cards in case someone loses them.
• You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!
• How come every time you ring a wrong number it’s never engaged?

Irishman Bogged Down

O’Driscoll was sinking in a bog, near Killarney in County Kerry, and seemed a goner when Big Dermot McCann wandered by…

‘Help!’ O’Driscoll shouted, ‘Oi’m sinkin’!’

‘Don’t worry,’ assured Dermot. ‘Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi’m the strongest man in Erin, and Oi’ll pull ye right out o’ there.’

Dermot leaned out and grabbed O’Driscoll’s hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Dermot said to O’Driscoll, ‘Shure, an’ Oi can’t do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi’ll have to get some help.’

As Dermot was leaving, O’Driscoll called ‘Dermot, Dermot! D’ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?’

Big Rock

An Irishman, by the name of O’Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day.  He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.  The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler.  He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.

The young lass on learning it wasn’t real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

‘It was in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, ‘he smiled.

‘I gave you a sham rock.’

Irish Punctuality

An Irish professor of Literature was at a conference in Spain.  As a conversational ice breaker, his Spanish host asked if the Irish had a Gaelic word similar in meaning to the Spanish – mañana.  Sure said the professor, we have five words similar to mañana, but none of them have quite the same sense of urgency.

How to Gain Admittance to the Olympics

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate.  Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon a construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, ‘Johnson, the pole vault, ‘and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledgehammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, ‘McTavish, the hammer.’ He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, ‘O’Sullivan, fencing.’

An Irish Bank Robber

It’s Saint Patrick’s Day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber’s face.

The Robber Shoots the Guy Without Hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?’ screams the robber.

There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, ‘I think me wife may have caught a glimpse.’

Strange St Patrick’s Day Custom

‘I had an accident opening a can of alphabet spaghetti this morning,’ said Murphy.

‘Were you injured?’ inquired Seamus. ‘No, but it could have spelled disaster,’ concluded Murphy.

It’s All in The Glove

O’Malley was leaving his favorite bar when he was run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St. Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. What choice did he have, O’Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.

St. Peter decides to go easy on him, ‘What has 5 fingers and is made of black leather?’ he asks. O’Malley scratches his head, thinks hard, and finally gives up. ‘It’s a glove says St. Peter.’

Let’s try again. ‘What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?’ asks St. Peter. O’Malley is stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, O’Malley gives up. ‘Why it’s 2 gloves – don’t you see 10 fingers, black leather, says St. Peter amazed.’ Being in a generous mood, St. Peter decides to give O’Malley yet another chance but thinking of an even easier question.

‘Who is the patron Saint of Ireland?’ asks St. Peter, thinking he can’t miss this.
‘It wouldn’t be 3-gloves, would it?’ says O’Malley.

Irish Drinking Stories – Tales for St. Patrick’s Day

• This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.  Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)

Irish Drinking Explanation

Siobhan followed her husband to the public house, ‘How can you come here’, she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, ‘and drink that awful
stuff?’

‘Now!’ he cried, ‘And you always thought I was out enjoying meself.’

Texan Visits Galway – Classic Irish Drinking Joke

A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland, and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, ‘I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin’
fools. I’ll give $500 to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.’

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan’s offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.  Is your bet still good?’
asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, ‘Yes’, and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back.  The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, ‘If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?’

Paddy Murphy replies, ‘Oh………………. I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.’

Judgment

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But because this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of twenty euros costs.

‘Now don’t let me ever see your face again, ‘said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.

‘I’m afraid I can’t promise that, sir’, said the released man.

‘And why not?’.

‘Because I’m the barman at your regular pub.’

Irish Doctors

The Doctor was puzzled,  ‘I’m very sorry but I can’t diagnose your trouble, O’Flaherty. I think it must be drink.’

‘Don’t worry about it Dr Cullen, I’ll come back when you’re sober.’ said O’Flaherty.

Irish Drinking Story

The Irish are known all over the world for their fondness for drinking alcohol and for making some of the finest beers, stouts, ales, and whiskeys
which are famous internationally.

Will and Guy once knew of a more popular Irish drink in Ireland and almost unknown anywhere else; it was once illegal and is known as poteen.
Illegal Irish poteen was an extremely powerful Irish drink [often 90-95% ABV] that only the most hardened drinker in Ireland dared to drink, it was so strong that it’s known to cause blindness and sometimes even kill people who end up suffering from alcohol poisoning, which was the reason why it was made illegal in Ireland to brew poteen.

Today, however, now legalized, two Irish brands are officially licensed to produce poitín: Knockeen Hills, and Bunratty.

Irish Road Blessing and Irish Toasts for St Patrick’s Day

Here is Will and Guy’s collection of Irish blessings, poems, and toasts.

Irish ‘Road’ Blessing:

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine down upon your face
And the rain fall soft upon your fields
Until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.

Irish Blessings – For the Country:

May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.

How To Identify A Real Irishman

• A true Irishman considers a bore to be someone who keeps constantly interrupting.
• A true Irishman considers anyone who won’t come around to his point of view to be hopelessly stubborn.
• A true Irishman has so much respect for the truth that he uses it only in emergencies.

An Irish Friendship Wish

• May your purse always hold a coin or two.
• May the sun always shine on your windowpane.
• May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
• May the hand of a friend always be near you.
• May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Funny Pictures St Patrick’s Day Dogs

The Irish are famed for their love of animals in general and dogs in particular.  Here are funny pictures of dogs taken on St Patrick’s Day.

Classic St Patrick’s Day Dog

The green rinse is all the rage for dogs on St Patrick’s Day.  By the way, did you spot the leprechaun with his St Patrick’s Day hat?

Green Poodle

When March the 17th is over, it’s back to normal. Let’s wash off that green rinse.

Faithful St Patrick’s Day Dog with Shamrock

O’Connor and the Fierce Dog

O’Connor was sitting in Ward’s Irish bar, Piccadilly, London with a large Rottweiler at his feet.

‘Does your dog bite?’ asks Murphy. ‘No,’ replies O’Connor.

So Murphy pats the dog who almost rips his arm off completely. ‘Hey!’ screams Murphy, ‘you said your dog didn’t bite, O’Connor.’

‘That’s not my dog Murphy,’ concludes O’Connor.

Tricolour balloons released on St Patrick’s Day

We believe that the tricolor balloons were released in Trafalgar Square, London.

St Patrick ‘Greening’ Celebrations

One of Italy’s iconic sites will be turned a shade of green on Saturday to mark St Patrick’s Day.

Greening famous attractions is part of a promotional campaign that Tourism Ireland has been involved in over the past three years; the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Niagara Falls are new additions to this year’s campaign.

Irish Engineers on Site

Dermot and Patrick are standing at the base of a flagpole looking up. Rita walks by and asks them what they are doing.

Patrick answers, ‘We’re supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don’t have a ladder.’

Rita takes out an adjustable spanner from her handbag, loosens a few bolts, and lays the flagpole down. She finds a tape measure in her pocket, takes a few measurements, and announces that its length is 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, Rita walks off.

Dermot says to Patrick, ‘Isn’t that just typical?  We ask for the height and she gives us the length.’

Funny St Patrick’s Day Quotes

Here is Will and Guy’s collection of St Patrick’s Day Quotes Irish blessings, poems, and toasts for 17th March.

Every Saint Patrick’s Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to.  Anon

Drôle Irish Quotes for St Patrick’s Day

• In Ireland, the inevitable never happens and the unexpected constantly occurs.  – John Pentland Mahaffy
• Work is the curse of the drinking classes.  – Oscar Wilde
• A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.  – George Moore
• Alcohol is a very necessary article.  It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning.  – George Bernard Shaw
• These things I warmly wish for you: Someone to love, some work to do, A bit o’ sun, a bit o’ cheer, And a guardian angel always near.  – Irish Blessing

Will and Guy’s Selection of Quotes By Irish Men and Women

If Will and Guy have a specialty, then it’s seeking variety, and that is what you will find in these ten favorite, clean, and funny Irish Quotations for St Patrick’s Day.

1. Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity.  – Sean O’Casey
2. I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted. – Soccer superstar George Best
3. If you could drink dreams like the Irish streams Then the world would be as high as the mountain of Mourne In the Pool they told us the story of how the English divided the land…  – John Lennon, “The Luck of the Irish” (song)
4. I only drink on two occasions – When I am thirsty and when I’m not thirsty.  – Brendan Behan
5. Ireland is a peculiar society in the sense that it was a nineteenth-century society up to about 1970 and then it almost bypassed the twentieth century.  – John McGahern
6. I’m an Irish Catholic and I have a long iceberg of guilt.  – Edna O’Brien
7. A wise man should have money in his head, but not in his heart. – Jonathan Swift
8. The Irish are a very fair people, they never speak well of one another.  – James Boswell
9. The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t seen the joke yet. – Oliver Herford
10. A turkey never voted for an early Christmas.  Irish Proverb

Irish Drinking Toast

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
Half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.

Alternative Irish Toast:

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!

More Amusing Irish Toasts

• May the dust of your carriage wheels blind the eyes of your foes.
• May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.
• May your fire never go out.
• May your well never run dry.
• Sláinte: Irish Gaelic and pronounced ‘slaw-cha’ means health, much the same as ‘cheers’.
• May we be alive at this time next year?
• May the roof above you never fall in and those gathered beneath it never fall out.
• A bird with one wing can’t fly – said to encourage someone to take a second drink.
• May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty.

Irish Blessings – For the Home:

Walls for the wind,
And a roof for the rain,
And drinks beside the fire –
Laughter to cheer you
And those you love near you,
And all that your heart may desire!

More Funny Quotes Suitable For Saint Patrick’s Day

• Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.  – Spike Milligan
• If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.  – Oscar Wilde
• He who can does. He who cannot, teaches.  – George Bernard Shaw
• I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing I ever do with it.  It is never of any use to oneself.  – Oscar Wilde

Clean Irish jokes for St. Patrick’s Day – Moon Joke

Look to The Moon

Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub.  Paddy says to Seamus, ‘What a beautiful night, look at the moon.’

Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, ‘You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.’ Both started arguing for a while when they came upon a real drunk walking in the other direction, so they stopped him.

‘Sir, could you please help settle our argument?

Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?’ The drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them, and said,

‘Sorry, I don’t live around here.’

Moon Jokes

• After the Americans went to the Moon, Paddy and Seamus announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun. Murphy objected. ‘If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!’ ‘What do you think we are, stupid?’ Seamus replied. ‘We’ll send our man at night!’
• Paddy and Seamus have just opened a new restaurant on the moon. It serves great cheese dishes, but the atmosphere is terrible.
• How can you tell when the moon is going broke? You can see that the moon is down to its last quarter.

Look To The Moon!

More Irish Tall Tales

You Can’t Believe Everything You Read In The Papers

Dermot McCann opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.  He quickly ‘phoned his best friend Reilly.

‘Did ye see the paper?’ asked Dermot. ‘They say I died.’ ‘Yes, I saw it.’ replied Reilly. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’

It’s All in The Name

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, ‘Ma’am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.’

The woman thinks to herself, ‘Oh No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!’ She asks the doctor, ‘Well, what’s the girl’s name?’ Denise.’

‘Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?’

‘Denephew.’

A True Tale Begorrah!

Father Sean O’Leary, a Dublin parish priest, was jumping up and down as he urged his choir to put more effort into singing the hymn: “I Wonder Where I’m Bound” when an iron grid collapsed and he disappeared into a heating duct.

Cartoon right: Mark Parisi

No Hiding Place

Walking into the bar, Shamus said to O’Heir the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’

‘O, bejabbers,’ said O’Heir, ‘And how did this one end?’

‘Hah, when it was over,’ Shamus replied, ‘she came to me on her hands and knees.’

‘Really?’ cried O’Heir, ‘now that’s a switch!  What did she say?’

She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, Shamus, you little chicken.’

5 More Clean Irish Jokes

The Reunion

An Irishman, Kevin, and an American, Clint, are sitting in the bar at Cork Airport supping Guinness. ‘I’ve come to meet my brother,’ says Kevin. ‘He’s due to fly in from Chicago in an hour. It’s his first trip home in 40 years.’

‘Will you be able to recognize him?’ asks Clint. ‘I’m sure I won’t,’ responds Kevin, ‘after all, he’s been away for a long time.’

‘I wonder if he’ll recognize you?’ questions Clint. ‘Of course, he will, ‘replies Kevin. ‘Sure, and I haven’t been away at all.’

Keep on Winning

Two Irishmen have just won �500,000 in the Irish lottery and they are now having a pint in O’Malley’s bar.

Timothy turns to say to Seamus and says, ‘What about all them begging letters?’

Seamus replies, ‘Oh, we’ll just carry on sending them.’

Speak the Language

‘Kearney, do you understand French?’ ‘I do if it’s spoken in Irish.’

Fed up to the Teeth

‘That’s my lot,’ said McCarthy leaving the dentist’s. ‘I’ve just had all my teeth out – never again!’

Ready and Waiting

O’Callaghan was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife, ‘Hurry up or we’ll be late.’ ‘Oh, be quiet,’ replied his wife. ‘Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?’

Irish Joke (Lost Title)

We have lost the title of this item.  Will thinks it should be called Mail Order, while Guy thinks the lost title is Male Order. Please read this clean Irish joke and make up your own mind!

Two Irish men, Kearney and O’Riordan were looking at a Mail order catalog and admiring the models.  Kearney remarks to O’Riordan, ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?’

O’Riordan replies, ‘Yes, they are very beautiful.  And look at the price.’

Kearney says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive.  At this price, I’m buying one.’

O’Riordan smiles and pats him on the back. ‘Good idea.  Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.’

Three weeks later, Kearney, the youngest of the two asks his friend, O’Rordan, ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from that catalog?’

O’Riordan replies with a glint in his eye, ‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now.  She sent all her clothes yesterday.’

Clean but funny Irish stories

1) Irish Directions

My involvement with Irish humor came when I went on holiday to the west coast.  I soon got lost in Lahinch and wanted directions to get to Lisdoonvarna, when I asked a local he said.  If I wanted to get to Lisdoonvarna I would not start here, I would begin in Ennis.

2) Irish Racing Story

Racing is a national pastime, I soon got accustomed to the Reverend fathers, rushing past me to get a bet on at the race track.  My mate Trev spotted one Reverend father making a big fuss of a horse in the parade ring.  Amazingly the horse went on to win the next race easily.

We took great interest when we saw the same Reverend father bless another horse in the next race, blow me, this horse won too.  Well we were hot on the Reverend’s father’s coattails for the third race and as soon as he patted a horse called Foxy Loxy, we raced off to get
the best odds we could with the bookies.

Foxy Loxy was well up with the pace on the first circuit, but down the back straight for the second time, Foxy Loxy dropped to the rear. Then to our chagrin, it dropped dead by the water jump.

When we went back to the bar we fell into conversation with a local, and told him the tale of the Reverend father. ‘Be gora’ he said, ‘You have to learn the difference between when Reverend Murphy is blessing a horse and when he is giving it the last rites’
.

3) Amazing Experience in the Vestry

The hospitality in Ireland is legendary, and I soon fell into conversation with the landlord of the pub in Lisdoonvarna where I was staying.   On the third day the landlord Bill bemoaned the fact that he was running out of change, and the mobile bank would not be in town for another 4 days.  All lunch hour he would talk about nothing else except shortage of change.  So I came out of holiday mode and put my thinking cap on.  Then in a moment of inspiration, it came to me – all the change goes into the Church collection (this was back in the 1970s).

I think you have hit the nail on the head, said the landlord, here is a £50 note go up and ask the Reverend O’Reilly in the church for some change.  Well, it just seemed natural and obvious to go and do as he asked.  I arrived in the vestry and sure enough, there was the Reverend father.’ Bill from the Rose sent me to see if you had any change, ‘I said.’ Of course, he said I’ll break the £50 in change for you’.  Now I have seen some three-card sharps at the race track, and I have seen people riffle chips in the casino, but I have never seen anything like this Reverend father count out £50 in change. He lost me in the count after the first pile of £10’s worth of 10p coins.

It flashed through my mind what had happened, Bill and the Reverend’s father were in this con together. Bill used autosuggestion to
make me think of going to the Church, the Reverend’s father would give me £30 in change, and I would have to make up the difference out of my own pocket.  What could I do, I could hardly ask the Reverend’s father for a recount, by the way, if he counted the money the first time, I would probably be none the wiser.

After weighing up all the options I decided to play dumb and see what happened. When I went back, Bill asked innocently, ‘What did you think of Reverend O’Reilly?’  ‘Interesting man’ I said neutrally.  ‘Here is the change he gave me ‘Well Bill just threw the coins in the till without counting them.  I felt ashamed there was no con.  Then I remembered this is Ireland, this is how they are friendly and amazing people, I soon cheered up. ‘Well done Guy, great idea getting that change from the church,  have a pint on the house’
.

4) O’Shaugnessy needs time off – Irish humor at its best

Soon after O’Shaugnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O’Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news. ‘To be sure it was, Boss’, he replied, ‘I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.’

‘Gosh, that’s awful, ‘replied the foreman, ‘Do you want the rest of the day off?’

‘No’, replied O’Shaughnessy. ‘I’ll finish the day out.’

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O’Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

‘Bejeezuz Boss, it’s even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!’

5) Never Felt Better – Classic Irish Story

In a court in Killarney, deep in Munster, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:

Lawyer: ‘At the scene of the accident, Mr O’Shea, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?’

O’Shea the farmer: ‘That’s right, sir.’

Lawyer: ‘Well then, Mr O’Shea, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client’s car hit your cart?’

O’Shea the farmer: ‘When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt and shot him.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’  I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say: ‘I’ve never felt better in my life.’

6) A Double Lesson

A carload of hunters, on holiday, were looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer’s yard in County Waterford, Ireland. The driver, Brannagh, went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on the farmer’s land.

The old farmer said, ‘Sure you can hunt, but would you be doing me a favor? That old donkey standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?’

Brannagh replied, ‘Of course, I will,’ and strolled back to the car.

While walking back, however, Brannagh decided to play a trick on his hunting friends. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said if it was alright, he said, ‘No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old fellow a lesson he won’t forget.’

With that, the Irishman rolled down his window, stuck his gun out, and shot the donkey. As he shouted, ‘To be sure, that will teach him,’ a second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting mates yelled, ‘And me, begorrah, I got the cow.’

7) Two Heads Are Better Than One

An American tourist traveling in County Clare came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 200 Irish punts ($350), the skull of Brian Boru*.

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull’s authenticity, signed by Brian Boru himself.

Fifteen years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains.

‘I’ve got the very thing for you, ‘said the shopkeeper, ‘It’s the genuine skull of Brian Boru.’

‘You cheat, ‘exploded the American, ‘You sold me that fifteen years ago, ‘and producing the skull added loudly, ‘Look, they’re not even the same size.’

‘You have got it wrong,’ opined the seller, ‘This is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a lad.’

* Brian Boru (940 to 1014) managed the rare feat of uniting Ireland.  In a turning point in the war with the Vikings, Brian Boru defeated the Viking leader Ivar in single combat.  Not only was Brian successful in battle, but he also had at least 4 wives and founded the O’Brien clan.

The Funny Tale of O’Malley and the Scuba Diver

Even though O’Malley was a licensed scuba diver, he finally got an answer to a question that had annoyed him for decades.

Here it is.

Harold, an American tourist, asked his friend, Murphy, ‘Why do Scuba divers always fall backward off their boats?’

To which Murphy replies, ‘If they fell forwards they’d still be in the flippin’ boat.’

Mick and Paddy Visit London

Mick and Paddy were walking in Covent Garden in London. It was their first week in the capital and they were a bit naïve.

‘Lord above Paddy, this is a great city,’ says Mick. ‘Why’s that Mick?’ responds Paddy.

‘Well, to be sure,’ explains Mick, ‘where else in the world would a stranger come up to you, make idle chat, invite you to dinner, and then offer you to spend the night at their house?’

‘Begorrah, ‘ splutters Paddy, ‘did that happen to you?’ ‘No,’ says Mick, ‘but it happens to my beautiful sister all the time.’

O’Connor and the Fierce Dog

O’Connor was sitting in Ward’s Irish bar, Piccadilly, London with a large Rottweiler at his feet.

‘Does your dog bite?’ asks Murphy. ‘No,’ replies O’Connor.

So Murphy pats the dog who almost rips his arm off completely. ‘Hey!’ screams Murphy, ‘you said your dog didn’t bite, O’Connor.’

‘That’s not my dog Murphy,’ concludes O’Connor.

Cutting the Grass

Michael O’Leary was waiting at the bus stop with his friend, Paddy Maguire when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

O’Leary opined, ‘I’m gonna do that when I win de lottery, Maguire.’

‘What’s that, Michael?’ responds his mate.

‘Send me lawn away to be cut,’ concludes O’Leary.

The Irish in Space

Donncha and MacArthur are preparing to be blasted into space and have just left the mission briefing when one turns to the other and says, ‘Mac,
where are we goin?’

MacArthur replies, ‘Well Donncha, the man in charge said we are on a mission to the sun.’

‘OK,’ says Donncha, he thinks for a while and then asks, ‘Won’t it be a bit hot, it being the sun and all?’

‘Don’t be stupid, Donncha,’ says MacArthur, ‘the man said we’d be going at night.’

Irish Mothers Chat

Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.

Kate says, ‘My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.’

Lorna responds, ‘Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of
liquor in all that time.’

‘My word,’ says Kate, ‘You must be so proud.’

‘I am,’ announces Lorna, ‘And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.’

The Irishman and The Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne’s pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O’Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, ‘You’re
making out we’re all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.’

‘I’m sorry sir, I………..’

‘Not you,’ says O’Leary, ‘I’m talking to that little fella on your knee.’

Tis A Funny Irish Story – So It Is

Sean Muldoon loved his dog, Willy, and he walked the dog constantly through town.

When Muldoon and Willy would go on their walks, they would stop to talk to just about everyone they met along the way. Naturally, everyone in town eventually knew both Muldoon and Willy. This went on for years.

One sad day Old Sean Muldoon went on his usual walk, but this time he walked all alone without Willy.

Patrick O’Halloran was the first to spy on Old Sean without his faithful companion. ‘Where’s Willy?’ asked O’Halloran.

‘Tis a sad day ’tis, Patrick,’ replied Muldoon. ‘I had to put poor ol’ Willy down, I did. I loved that dog dearly.’ ‘Oh no,’ cried O’Halloran, ‘Did he go rabid? Was he mad?’

‘Well, he was none too pleased,’ replied Muldoon.

Funniest Irish One-liners

• I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you’d gone.
• ‘What’s wrong with Murphy?’ asked Father Green. ‘I don’t know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn’t stirred since,’ said Mrs Murphy.
• ‘How far is it to the next village?’ asked the American tourist. ‘It’s about seven miles,’ guessed the farmer. ‘But it’s only five if you run!’
• ‘I’m the unluckiest person in the whole world,’ moaned Betty McGrath. ‘I bought a non-stick pan and can’t get the label off.’
• ‘I’d like some nails’, Mick requested of the traveling tinker. ‘How long would you like them?’ asked the man. ‘Forever, if that’s all right with you,’ said Mick.
• ‘I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!’
• See many more Irish Jokes – One Liners

Funniest Irish Short Stories

Of all countries, Ireland probably has the richest seam of storytellers, here are some good examples of their tall stories.

Could be Worse

I first met O’Reilly when I was in St Peter’s Hospital, Chertsey, England. He was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me when I awoke early on that Friday morning.

I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation.

However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to visit O’Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows: ‘What happened to you?’ asked Callaghan.

‘I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op’s plate glass window,’ mumbled O’Reilly.’

‘Begorrah,’ exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, ‘It’s a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you’d have been cut to ribbons!’

The Fame of Red Adair (Overheard by Denis)

At the height of the Gulf wars, the expertise of Red Adair (that well-known firefighter) was called upon to go out to the gulf and put out the oil rig
fires.

On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. ‘Isn’t that Red Adair’?  The other replied, ‘No’.

The old boy then said, ‘I’m sure it is and I’m so sure that I will bet you a pint if I am wrong’. The doubting one said, ‘Ok’ and they both went over to Red and the one said, ‘Are you Red Adair’?  To which Red said he was.

The doubting Irishman said, ‘Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers’?

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

“You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, “but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”

“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”

“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

• a) Sparrow
• b) Thrush
• c) Magpie
• d) Cuckoo?”

“I haven’t got a clue,” said Mick, ”so I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .”

Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

“Hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple. It’s a cuckoo.” “Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure.” Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.

“Dat it is.”

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!” The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

“Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”

“Because everyone knows he lives in a clock!”

[Funny how one funny Irish story reminds you of another]

The Irish Mastermind Champion

Paddy, Deion, and Bruce were three passengers in a light plane.  The aircraft got into difficulties and they needed to bale out, unfortunately
there were only parachutes.

The first, Paddy, was the Irish Mastermind Champion.

The second, Deion, was an American Hall of Footballer.

The third, Bruce, was an Australian dual Olympic Games Champion.

The conversation went thus, Paddy said, ‘There have been many American Hall of Fame footballers and several people have won Olympic Gold medals, but there has only ever been one Irish Mastermind Champion. So I’ll take the first parachute and you two can fight it out for the last one. With that Paddy took a parachute and leapt out of the plane, which incidentally, by now was in considerable distress.

‘How shall we decide who has the last parachute?’, Deion asked Bruce.’ No worries, Bruce said, ‘Yonder Irish Mastermind Champion has jumped out with my rucksack’.

In The Church

When my older brother, Shay, was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion.

On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, ‘What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?’  Mum whispered something in Shay’s ear.

Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn’t say, ‘Be quiet until you get back to your seat.’

A Collection of Short Irish Jokes Kindly Sent in by Maggie Nutt

1. An American lawyer inquired, ‘Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?’
   ‘Who told you that?’ asked Paddy.
2. An Irish lass, a customer: ‘Could I be trying on that dress in the window?’ Shopkeeper: ‘I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.’
3. Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, ‘Is that you, I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantelpiece?’ ‘No,’ said himself, ‘but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.’
4. ‘O’Halloran,’ asked the pharmacist, ‘did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife’s appearance?’ ‘It did surely,’ replied O’Halloran,
   ‘but it keeps fallin’ off.’

Addendum

This yarn sums up Irish humor: irreligious without being offensive. The Irish have a gift for making an illogical argument funny.

More Funny Short Irish Stories

Will and Guy have made a collection of funny short Irish stories based on driving, cars, and other vehicles.

An Old Flame?

An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asked her, ‘Ma’am did you know that you were speeding?’

Irene turns to her husband, Mick, and enquires, ‘What did he say?’

Mick yells out, ‘He says you were speeding!’ The Garda said, ‘May I see your license, please ma’am?’

Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, ‘What did he say?’

Once more, Mick, shouts out, ‘He wants to see your license!’

Irene gives the policeman her driving license.

The Garda retorts, ‘I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.’

For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, ‘What did he say?’

Mick yells very loudly, ‘He thinks he knows you!’

Irish Driver Breathalysed

Late on one Saturday night, the Garda spotted O’Callaghan driving very erratically through the streets of Dungarvan, County Waterford. The policeman pulled him over and asked O’Callaghan if he had been drinking that evening.

‘Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Saturday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints,’ chattered the inebriated O’Callaghan. ‘Then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend O’Reilly home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later…,’ and O’Callaghan fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The Garda officer sighed and said, ‘Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.’

Indignantly, O’Callaghan replied, ‘Why? Don’t ye believe me?’

Dog Causes Car Crash

Johnny Vaughan’s dog, Harvey, crashed his Maserati sports car leaving him with a £8,000 repair bill.

Harvey got his head wedged under the glove box on a trip back from a visit to the vet. Johnny moved into the passenger seat to prise him free but then Harvey jumped across and hit the accelerator pedal.

The £70,000 car plowed into a skip near the radio DJ and TV presenter’s South London home.

Johnny said, ‘The funniest part was having to explain to my insurers.  I couldn’t claim as Harvey wasn’t a named driver on the policy.’

Tricky Parking – Divine Intervention?

O’Malley was driving down the street thoroughly worked up because he had an important meeting and he couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey.’

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

O’Malley looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, Lord, I found one.’

Tale of the Return Ticket

Paddy was a country boy, he had never been to Dublin.  One day he decided to walk into  Wexford and catch the bus to Dublin. 

Duly the bus arrived and Paddy asked the conductor for a return ticket. ‘A return to where?’ asked the conductor’.

‘Why back here of course’ said Paddy.

The American and the Irish Farmers

An American farmer was on holiday in Ireland. He could not resist exploring the hill farms east of Galway. At lunchtime, he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with an Irish farmer.

‘How big is your spread?’, asked the American. ‘Well look you, it’s about 20 acres he said’. Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse, and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I’ll be lucky to cover half my farm’. ‘Begora’, said the Irishman, ‘I once had a horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.’

Irish Donkey

An American called Sylvester was driving in Ireland, he was having trouble with his car boiling over, so he stopped at a country cottage.
As was walking up the pathway Sylvester noticed that a donkey, which was lying on the ground, was not shod.

Anyway, Sylvester knocked at the door and an Irishwoman came out. He said, ‘My car has boiled over could you let me have some water, please?  And by the way, Do you know that your donkey over there has no shoes on?

‘I know that’, the woman replied, ‘To be sure he’s not up yet.’

Leprechaun Pictures, Jokes and Funny Stories

Many cultures have fairies as part of their folklore, but few have little people with such a rich source of humor, funny stories, and different guises as leprechauns.  To begin with, leprechauns are exclusively male which immediately gives them great scope for mischief. People even dress up in entirely green outfits and portray leprechauns around the holidays.

Irish Leprechauns

Funny Leprechaun Jokes

Will and Guy have only ever seen green leprechauns, but we hear rumors that in some parts there have been sightings of black leprechauns.  Any information about the various tribes of leprechauns gratefully received.

Pictures from the Leprechaun Museum – Opens In Time for St Patrick’s Day

Based in the heart of Dublin city, in Eire, the National Leprechaun Museum is a national cultural entertainment center that takes visitors deeper into Irish and Celtic culture to discover what lies behind the well-known tales of Irish cultural iconography – leprechauns, rainbows, and pots of gold.

The National Leprechaun Museum is the first-ever visitor attraction dedicated to Irish mythology and promises to open up a fun and magical world full of fascinating folklore and enchanting stories.

Visitors to the museum are encouraged to feel what it’s like to journey deep beneath the rocks of the Giant’s Causeway, open up their minds to the sights and stories of Ireland’s mythical otherworld on a trip to Fairy Hill, experience what it’s like to live in a leprechaun-sized world and journey to the end of the rainbow to see if the elusive crock of gold exists.

The museum initially employs eight people. The museum’s director and creator, Tom O’Rahilly informed Will and Guy that, ‘The National Leprechaun Museum is a first; nothing like it exists anywhere else in the world. Irish culture is famous the world over – even Walt Disney came to Ireland to look for leprechauns.’

Opened March 2010: http://www.leprechaunmuseum.ie/

Leprechauns – Drunk or Sober!

A Leprechaun is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth.

May the roof above you never fall in and those leprechauns gathered beneath it never fall out.

Luck of the Irish

Kieran O’Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.

‘Thank the Lord I wasn’t sleeping at the other end of the bed,’ Kieran said to his friends in Donegal’s pub. ‘I would have blown my head off.’

Bad Leprechaun

David Cotton, disguised as a leprechaun, robbed a bank in Gallatin, Tennessee on St. Patrick’s Day 2010.

The robber, dressed in a long black cape sporting a fake black beard and wearing a 2-foot leprechaun hat, held up the First State Bank with a gun. He was driven away in a Toyota Corolla by Jonathan Skinner.

Bystanders gave chase and notified police who quickly caught up with the suspects’ car and the robbers opened fire. One police car was hit by several bullets.

Bystanders gave chase and notified police who quickly caught up with the suspects’ car and the robbers opened fire. One police car was hit by several bullets.  During the shootout, Mr Skinner was shot by police but the leprechaun robber killed himself.

“They were confronted by officers. They failed to drop their weapons and gunshots were exchanged,” said Sergeant Bill Storment, a police spokesman.

Police confirmed that the same man had held up a bank in Nashville three days before Christmas – dressed as Santa Claus.