Saint Patrick’s Day Snippets

Return TicketWill and Guy's Irish Jokes - Ticket back here

Paddy was a country boy, he had never been to Dublin.  One day he decided to walk into  Wexford and catch the bus to Dublin. Duly the bus arrived and Paddy asked the conductor for a return ticket. 'A return to where?' asked the conductor'. 'Why back here of course' said Paddy.

How Many Ducks?

On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was carrying a bag on his backWill and Guy's Irish Jokes 'What's in the bag?' asked Paddy 'I'm not going to tell', replied Murphy 'Go on, do.' pleaded Paddy. 'Ah, all right then, it's ducks.' announced Murphy 'If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?' enquired Paddy 'Look', said Murphy, 'If you guess the correct number, I'll give you both of them.' 'Five!' said Paddy triumphantly

Englishman, Frenchman and Irishman

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children. 'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.' 'That's a real coincidence', observed the Frenchman', My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.' 'That's really incredible', drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.' Footnote: In the United Kingdom we have a 'Pancake Day', otherwise known as Shrove Tuesday.  This marks the start of lent. During lent one is supposed to fast, hence a day of eating up all the eggs prior to 40 days of deprivation.  Unlike St Patrick's day which is always on March 17th, Pancake day varies in line with Easter. Footnote Guy's beloved Pauline always adds sultanas to his deluxe pancakes, thus distinguishing them from crêpes.

Irishmen Flying High

Two Irishmen hired an open cockpit aeroplane to fly over Dublin on St Patrick's Day. As they were winging their way through the air, O'Toole turned to his friend, Murphy and said, 'Murphy, I'm going to fly upside down.' 'Begorrah, O'Toole', shouted Murphy, 'don't do that, we'll fall out.' 'No we won't,' responded O'Toole, 'I'll still talk to you.'

Why Worry?

In the end, there are only two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. When you're well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you're sick, then there are two things to worry about: either you get well or you will die. When you get well, there is nothing to worry about. But when you die, then there are two things to worry about: either you'll go to heaven or you'll go to hell. When you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But when you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry! SO WHY WORRY!?!

Why worry

Kindly sent in by Friedrich Steinkuhl

Will and Guy's Top Twenty Funny Irish Phrases

  1. You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.
  2. The longest road out is the shortest road home.
  3. The Irish are very fair people; they never speak well for one another.
  4. A quarrel is like buttermilk: once it's out of the churn, the more you shake it, the more sour it grows.
  5. God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
  6. The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
  7. The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch.
  8. He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice.
  9. One of the worst things that can happen in life is to win a bet on a horse at an early age.
  10. A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.
  11. Every St. Patrick's Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to.
  12. An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth.
  13. If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks.
  14. Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet
  15. My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
  16. God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish.
  17. If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.
  18. The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried.
  19. Other people have a nationality. The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis.
  20. I can resist everything except temptation.  Oscar Wilde (He was the master of the Irish phrase)

Irish Donkey

An American called Sylvester was driving in Ireland, and had more and more trouble with his car boiling over, so he stopped at a country cottage. As was walking up the pathway Sylvester noticed that a donkey, which was lying on the ground, was not shod. Anyway, Sylvester knocked at door and an Irishwoman came out. He said, 'My car has boiled over could you let me have some water please?  And by the way Do you Know that your donkey over there has no shoes on? 'I know that', replied the woman replied, 'To be sure he's not up yet.'

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