Funny Irish Jokes

Here is Will and Guy's collection of short Irish jokes and one liners. There's the story about two Irishmen coming out of a pub. It could happen!

• Best Short, Funny and Hilarious Irish Jokes
• Funny Irish Jokes - One liners
• Short Irish Jokes
• Will and Guy's Irish Jokes - One Liners
• More Examples of a Funny Irish One-Liners

Best Short, Funny and Hilarious Irish Jokes

1. 'Shay, do you understand German,?' 'To be sure, I do if it's spoken in Irish.'
2. 'I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.'
3. Two Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw sign saying "Tree fellers" wanted. Murphy said to Pat, said, 'If only Seamus had been with us we'd have got that job.'
4. 'I'd like some nails,' Michael requested of the travelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Michael.
5. 'The baby is just like his father,' said Pauline McDonald, 'but at least he's got his health.'

More Funny Irish One Liners

These one liners capture the best of Irish humour.  They are even funnier if you read them out load, or better still, tell them to friend in a thick Irish brogue.

1. 'Ah, that was a lovely dress,' announced Colleen, 'and it would have fitted me if I could have got into it, so it would.'
2. O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery. After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.' 'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'
3. Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.
4. Donncha is shocked at finding out all his cows are suffering from "Bluetongue." 'Bejabbers,' Donncha murmurs, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones.'
5. Murphy lost a hundred dollars on the Melbourne Cup, a famous Australian horserace.  He also lost another hundred on the television replay.

 A Collection of Short Irish Jokes Kindly Sent in by Maggie Nutt

1. An Irish lass, a customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?' Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'
2. Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?' 'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
3. 'O'Halloran,' asked the pharmacist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?' 'It did surely,' replied O'Halloran, 'but it keeps fallin' off.'
4. Paddy and Seamus have just opened a new restaurant on the moon.  It serves great cheese dishes, but the atmosphere is terrible.
5. How can you tell when an American moon is going broke?  You can see that the moon is down to its last quarter.

Short Irish Jokes - One-liners

i) The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding. ii) The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble.  I think it must be drink.' 'Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.', said O' Flaherty.

More Examples of a Funny Irish One-Liners

• Where were you going when I saw you coming back?
• I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.
• 'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
• 'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
• 'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'

Things that only the illogical Irish would say:

1. 'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'
2. 'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'
3. 'Spread out in a bunch.'
4. 'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget. 'I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary.
5. 'That's my lot,' said McCarthy leaving the dentist's. 'I've just had all my teeth out - never again!'
6. 'That's my lot,' said McCarthy leaving the dentist's. 'I've just had all my teeth out - never again!'
7. O'Callaghan was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife, 'Hurry up or we'll be late.' 'Oh, be quiet,' replied his wife. 'Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?'

Footnote: Please write to Will and Guy if you have a funny Irish joke one liner.