Funny Irish Jokes

Irish Jokes - One Liners

Here is Will and Guy's collection of short Irish jokes and one liners.

There's the story about two Irishmen coming out of a pub.
It could
happen!

Best Short, Funny and Hilarious Irish Jokes

  1. 'Shay, do you understand German,?'
    'To be sure, I
    do if it's spoken in Irish.'
  2. 'I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already
    had one.'
  3. Two Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw sign saying "Tree
    fellers" wanted.
    Murphy said to Pat, said, 'If only Seamus had been
    with us we'd have got that job.'
  4. 'I'd like some nails,' Michael requested of the
    travelling tinker.
    'How long would you like them?' asked the man.
    'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Michael.
  5. 'The baby is just like his father,' said Pauline
    McDonald, 'but at least he's got his health.'

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One
less drunk.

More
Funny Irish One Liners

These one liners capture the best of Irish humour.  They are even funnier
if you read them out load, or better still, tell them to friend in a thick
Irish brogue.

  1. 'Ah, that was a lovely dress,' announced Colleen, 'and it would have
    fitted me if I could have got into it, so it would.'Irish One-liners
  2. O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.
    After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not
    guilty.'
    'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to
    keep the money?'
  3. Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a
    headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest
    man."'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the
    two of them in one grave.
  4. Donncha is shocked at finding out all his cows are suffering from
    "Bluetongue." 'Bejabbers,' Donncha murmurs, 'I didn't even know they had
    mobile phones.'
  5. Murphy lost a hundred dollars on the Melbourne Cup, a famous
    Australian horserace.  He also lost another hundred on the television
    replay.

 A Collection of
Short Irish Jokes Kindly Sent in by Maggie NuttWill and Guy's Sham Rock Irish story

  1. An Irish lass, a customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the
    window?'
    Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'
  2. Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin'
    in the vase on the mantel piece?'
    'No,' said himself, 'but I'm
    gettin' closer all the time.'
  3. 'O'Halloran,' asked the pharmacist, 'did that mudpack I gave you
    improve your wife's appearance?'
    'It did surely,' replied O'Halloran,
    'but it keeps fallin' off.'
  4. Paddy and Seamus have just opened a new restaurant on the moon.  It
    serves great cheese dishes, bu
    t the atmosphere is terrible.
  5. How can you tell when an American moon is going broke?  You can see
    that the moon is down to its last quarter.

Short Irish
Jokes - One-liners

i) The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

ii) The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't
diagnose your trouble.  I think it must be drink.'

'Don't
worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.',

said O'
Flaherty.

More Examples of a Funny Irish One-Liners

  • Where were you going when I saw you coming back?
  • I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.
  • 'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green.
    'I don't know, Father. Yesterday
    he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
  • 'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's
    about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
  • 'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought
    a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'Funny Irish Jokes

Things that only the illogical Irish would say:

  1. 'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'
  2. 'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'
  3. 'Spread out in a bunch.'
  4. 'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget. 'I'm leaving them out
    till I get used to them!' said Mary.
  5. 'That's my lot,' said McCarthy leaving the dentist's. 'I've
    just had all my teeth out - never again!'
  6. 'That's my lot,' said McCarthy leaving the dentist's. 'I've just had all
    my teeth out - never again!'
  7. O'Callaghan was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his
    wife, 'Hurry up or we'll be late.'
    'Oh, be quiet,' replied his wife.
    'Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a
    minute?'

Footnote:
Please write to Will and Guy if you have a funny Irish joke one liner.

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