The farmer allows walkers to cross his field for free,
... But the
- Rancher John
- Farmer's Names
- Prize Donkey - Old Farmer Joke
- Never Felt Better - Classic Farmer Story
- Funny Farming Jokes
Ten Technical Terms About Computers And What They Mean To Farmers
- The Farmer and The City
Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.
'I need a list
of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.
'Well,' replied old John, 'There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook
has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10
per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied old
George, the farmer, had so many children that he ran out of names. So he started calling his kids after something around his farm.
It was the first
day of school and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer George's sons, the boy replied, 'Wagon Wheel.'
The teacher said, 'I need your real name boy, to which the lad
replied, 'It's Wagon Wheel, sir....Really.'
The teacher, rather annoyed rejoined, 'All right young man, take yourself right down to the Principal's office this minute.'
The youngster pushed himself
out of his chair, turned to his sister and said, 'C'mon, 'Chicken Feed', he ain't gonna believe you, either.'
It was a cold
November afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Ellis why such a large crowd
of men was gathered there.
farmer replied, 'Jo's
donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.'
'Well, 'replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.'
'Nope, 'said Farmer Ellis.'
We all just want to buy
In a court in Tralee, deep in
County Kerry, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:
Lawyer: 'At the scene of the accident, Mr O'Brien, did you tell the
Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?'
old farmer: 'That's right, sir.'
Lawyer: 'Well then, Mr O'Brien, how is it that you are now claiming you were
seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?'
O'Brien the farmer: 'When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my
dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.'
Farmer Evans was driving his John Deere tractor along the road with a trailer load
of fertilizer. Tim a little boy of eight was playing in his yard when he saw the farmer
and asked, 'What've you got in your trailer?'
'Manure,' Farmer Evans replied.
'What are you going to do with it?' asked Tim.
'Put it on my strawberries,' answered the farmer.
Tim replied, 'You ought to
come and eat with us, we put ice-cream on our strawberries.'
- Log on: when you want to make the homestead warmer.
- Log off: Timberrrrrrrrrrrr.
- Mega Hertz: when you not careful getting the firewood.
- Lap top: where the cat sleeps.
- Hard drive: manoeuvring thought those rocky fields on the northern
range when there is snow in the ground.
- Windows: what to shut when it's cold outside.
- Byte: what mosquitoes do.
- Modem: what I did to the hay fields.
- Keyboard: where the keys hang.
- Mouse: critters that eat the grain in the barn.
Not forgetting RAM [Random Access Memory]: when you can't remember
anything at all from earlier.
You may be able to add to this list - if so,
please send your funnies to us.
Sally was in the Fox and Hounds at Newbridge last Saturday night, when
this really ugly looking guy walked into the bar.
She told me later: "The wierdo came over to the bar and pinched my bum.
Then he had the nerve to demand, 'Give me your number, sexy.'"
I replied, "Have you got a pen?"
He smiled and said, "Yes."
I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices
Hilarious and Best, Funny Country Story
Barry Farmer got into his Toyota 4 by 4 and drove to the neighbouring
ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, Neil, aged about 9, opened the
'Is yer Dad home?' Barry demanded.
'No, sir, he ain't,' Neil replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well, then,' inquired Barry, 'is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad,' explained Neil patiently.
Barry Farmer stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the
other and muttering to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' Neil asked politely. 'I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a
message fer Dad.'
'Well, it's difficult,' answered Barry uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to
talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother getting my daughter pregnant.'
Neil considered for a moment, 'You would have to talk to Pa about that,'
he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $600 for
the bull and $60 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer
Further Five Favourite Funny and Silly Short Farmer Jokes
- How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
- Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
- What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for
- When is a farmer like a magician?
When he turns his cow to
- Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
He has got no beef.
Clean and Hilarious Farmer's Tales
The Jogger and the Farmer
Paul, a jogger, is running down a country road and is startled when a
horse yells at him, 'Hey-come over here buddy.'
Paul is stunned but still runs over to the fence where the horse is
standing and asks, 'Were you talking to me?'
The horse replies, 'Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky
Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a
plough and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him
$5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money because I can still run.'
Paul thought to himself, 'Wow, a talking horse.' Dollar signs started
appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old rancher is sitting
on the porch.
Paul tells the farmer, 'Hey man I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken
down nag you've got in the field.'
The farmer replies, 'Son you can't believe anything that horse says. He's
never even been to Kentucky.'
How to Buy a Horse
Ethan walks into a barn with a farmer to buy a horse
The horse is laid down in some straw. After giving the horse the
once-over Ethan says, "This horse hasn't got any shoes on."
The farmer replies "Well he hasn't got up yet.
The Favourite Son: A Classic Farmer Joke from Will and Guy
Tony and Luke, two brothers, were sitting in Cobbler and Proust's, the
solicitors, waiting room preparing themselves for the reading of their
The two began yet another session of bickering about which of them was
the favourite son and it was getting into full flow when they were invited,
by Mr Cobbler, into the office.
After a few preliminaries, including the disposal of a few small items to
the cousins and old friends, the important bit came: who would inherit the
farm, Tony or Luke?
Mr Cobbler, the solicitor, took a deep breath, looked at the eldest
brother Tony and said, 'Well, Tony, the farm is yours.'
Tony turned to his brother, Luke and complained, 'See! I told you, Luke,
you were the favourite.'
A good stabilizing job by the wife!
Amusing Irish Farmers' Joke
First Irish Farmer:
My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.
Second Irish Farmer:
Did you shoot it in the hole?
First Irish Farmer: No, in the head.
Two west country yokels were on the train heading homewards through
Somerset, England when one of them noticed some cows.
'What a lovely bunch of cows.' he remarked.
'Not a bunch, herd,' his
'Heard of what?'
'Herd of cows.'
'Of course I've heard of cows.'
'No, a cow herd.'
'What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow.'
Funny Farmer Story
The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a
The farmer looks at the man, obviously a city slicker, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The
farmer thinks it over, it's a huge herd so he accepts the bet.
The city slicker parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on
his location. From there he feeds the data to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
seconds he receives an email on his Smart phone that the image has been
processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an
ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few
minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally
turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,423 cows'.
The farmer is astonished because the city slicker's figure is exactly
correct. He says, 'OK, I'm a man of my word, take a cow.' The
investment city slicker selects one of the animals and begins to walk away.
'Wait,' yells the farmer, 'Let me have a chance to get even. Double
or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.' The city slicker agrees
'You are a Congressman for the U.S. Government,' says the farmer.
'Good grief!' splutters the city slicker, 'You are exactly right, tell me,
how did you deduce that?'
'Easy,' says the farmer, 'give me back my dog, and
I will tell you.'
"No guessing required.' answered the farmer. 'You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,
to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me
you are; and you don't know a thing about cows.
Time and the Pig
On a drive in the country, Roger, a city gent noticed a farmer lifting a
pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after
'Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about,' said Roger, the
city gent, 'but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground,
wouldn't it save a lot of time?'
'Ooh ar, time?' answered the farmer.
'What does time matter to a pig?'
Hillbilly Knows Best
A hillbilly farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way,
to the general store.
'Heya, Wilbur,' said Ron, the store owner. 'Tell me, are you and Myrtle
still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?'
'You betcha, Ron. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?'
'Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a
'Match? Never heard of it.'
'Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this,' Ron says, taking a
match and striking it on his trousers.
'Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Ron.'
'I can't be walking twelve miles every time I want a fire and borrow your
See more hillbilly jokes.
Story of a Farmer Seeking True Love
A farmer's cooperative in North Wales offering
organic food has come out with a unique idea of finding love for its 20 farmer-members. The dairy cooperative Calon Wen is introducing "Fancy a Farmer?" campaign by placing the pictures of lonely farmers on its
According to the Daily Post, the cartons of Calon Wen's organic milk will have the stickers of three men and two women looking for a date. The men and women were all members of the
cooperative, the report said. Iwan Jones, 30 of Groes Bach, Groes, near Denbig, and a director of the Calon Wen cooperative, conceptualized the idea after
numerous love failures for himself.
He told the Post,
'It's a bit of a laugh really - but if I was approached by an attractive young lady I wouldn't turn her away.'
The 20-member organic farmers cooperative have also tied a partnership with a Welsh online
dating agency to maximize their exposure. Jones adds, 'The Welsh countryside is a great place to live, with stunning scenery, but it can be a hard place to find a date as I'm finding out!' He said the two young
women participating in the campaign only agreed 'after a bit of arm-twisting.' 'We didn't want to be accused of being sexist,' he added.
- Above story sent in by Jeff Hall, please send us your farmer jokes.
- See more farmer
jokes and funny stories