APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:
Date: Time of departure:
Time of return:
Location:
From: To:
Beer Wine
Liquor:
Total
Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first
phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be fed up with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.
Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Locations to be visited Females with whom conversation is permitted
IMPORTANT - STRIPPER CLAUSE:
Not withstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.
I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it's not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimited shopping spree, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said
entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.
I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.
Signed -Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:
Request is: APPROVED DENIED
This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
McDonald's Application Form
This is allegedly an actual job application a 16 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Australia. A pparently and they hired him because he was so honest and funny.
NAME: Peter Beale
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It
sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO
WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m.,
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY
SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT
YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE
ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS
THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A
CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED
ANY SPECIAL AWARDS
OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only
when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE TO BE DOING
IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT
THE ABOVE IS TRUE
AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising
Mafia Application Form
