Funny New Year’s Eve Jokes
An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.
Bill Vaughan
∇
A New Year Prayer For the Elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.
New Year: Time to Diet
Well, well. It seems that your weight is perfect. It just happens that you are eleven feet too short.
Dieting – New Year Resolutions
2009: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds. 2010: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds. 2011: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight. 2012: I will work out 3 days a week. 2013: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
New Year’s Day Prayer for One and All
Dear Lord So far this year I’ve done well. I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help. Amen
A New Year’s Wish
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck – the bartender was almost crushed to death.
That Was a Tough Year
It’s been a tough year, but I’ve made it so far! But not everyone is as lucky as I am……
Lecture Tour with A Difference
On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer. ‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger. ‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically. ‘My wife,’ slurred Daniel grimly.
Politician in Action
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky. ‘If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.’
New Year Jokes – One LinersTo kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative. The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass. When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year. I gave up thinking. Definition of a hangover: Wrath of Grapes.
Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover
- You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil’s pets.
- Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to “Stay still.”
- Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
- The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, “Step right up and give it whirl!”
- You’d rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
- You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
- You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
- Your catch phrase is, “Never again.”
- You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
- Your new response to “Good morning,” is “Be quiet!”
Happy New Year
Artist, Harwinder Singh Gill, displays a special new year message he carved into the tips of coloured pencils in Amritsar, India.
How to Quit Smoking
Peter, at a New Year’s party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette. ‘I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,’ Ken responds. ‘I’m in the process of quitting,’ replies Peter with a grin. ‘Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.’ ‘Phase one?’ wonders Ken. ‘Yeah,’ laughs Peter, ‘I’ve quit buying.’
New Year’s Day Quotes
- New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. Mark Twain
- One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things. John Burroughs
- Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. Oscar Wilde
Classic New Year Poem
Ring out the old, ring in the newRing out the old, ring in the new, Ring, happy bells, across the snow: The year is going, let him go; Ring out the false, ring in the true.
Alfred, Lord Tennyson. (1849 –> 50)
New Year’s Day Party – That Never Was?
As in many homes on New Year’s Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself. Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television. Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0. ‘See?’ Janet said happily, ‘You didn’t miss a thing.’
A Bad Dream?
Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’ ‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.
New Year’s Resolutions by Fido
- I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.
- I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance all over the back yard with it.
- I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think that I am haemorrhaging.
- I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the house.
- Something different – Chinese New Year Jokes
Auld Lang Syne
Auld Lang Syne was partially written by
Robert Burnsin the 1700’s, it was first published in 1796 after Burns’ death. Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to produce the modern rendition. An old Scotch tune, ‘Auld Lang Syne’ literally means ‘old long ago,’ or simply, ‘the good old days.’ Here are the lyrics: however, many people seem to remember only the first verse.
Auld Lang SyneShould auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne? For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne. Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne? And here’s a hand, my trusty friend And gie’s a hand o’ thine We’ll tak’A cup o’ kindness yet For auld lang syne.
New Year jokes.
•
New Year Humour – Jokes and Funny Pictures
This page is a mini sitemap for Will and Guy’s New Year Humour. Enjoy our jokes, riddles and funny New Year pictures.
A Bad Dream?
Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’
‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.
New Year’s Day Party – That Never Was?
As in many homes on New Year’s Day, Janet and Jim, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.
Hoping to keep the peace Jim ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.
Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Jim. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Jim told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.
‘See?’ Janet said happily, ‘You didn’t miss a thing.’
Introduction to the Mari Lwyd Tradition
The custom of the Mari Lwyd (Grey Mare) is unique to Wales. What happened on or around New Year’s Eve was this, a group of friends would dress up in costume with the star attraction being a real horse’s head. What distinguishes the Mari Lwyd celebrations from other types of New Year merriment is that the revellers challenge house-holders to a singing contest in Welsh. In a nutshell the Mari Lwyd tradition is wassail singing par excellence, with mummer animal head costumes, coupled with trick-or-treat menace.
Maeshowe Orkney Isles (Scotland) Cairn built 5,500 years ago
At the winter solstice, the sun is so low in the Orkney islands that it’s rays light up the back wall of the cairn. This only happens once a year on the shortest day – weather permitting. It’s fascinating to think how our ancestors not only calculated what would happen, but had the time and patience to construct the aperture.
New Year – Key Questions
How to tell that you have entered a new year:
- You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
- The concept of using real money instead of credit or debit to make a purchase is foreign to you.
- Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.
Ode To The New Year
‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvellous meals I’d prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I’d never said, ‘No thank you, please.’
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt – I said to myself, as I only can ‘You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!’
So – away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished ‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie – not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions
- Spend more time with the family.
- Take more exercise – Get fit.
- Lose (loose!) weight.
- Give up smoking (again).
- Get out of dept.
- Learn a new skill, take up a new hobby.
- Put something into the community -help others.
- Get organized. Else buy shares in diary, or companies selling electronic planners!
- Become more security conscious.
- Give up drinking, at least for the first week of January!
Please write to Will and Guy if you have any examples of funny
New Year pictures or jokes
