A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each
sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each
is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get
through the long, long spell alone.
The Scotsman asks for a year's supply
of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
The Irishman asks for
a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles
The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's
given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
One year later,
the doors are all unlocked.
The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm
free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
The Irishman is
dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly
to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.To their
surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he
sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'
Scotsman and the 3 Cookies
An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.
The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are?
You'll never beat that!"
The Scotsman says to the Englishman:
"Watch this, a Scotsman is always
cleverer than an Englishman."
He says to the baker,
"Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.
he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats
this one too.
Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie... "
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman
eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous
The Scotsman says:
"Look in the Englishman's pocket!"
and Frenchman Joke
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their
'My son was born on St George's
Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'
a real coincidence', observed the Frenchman', My daughter was born on
Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'
really incredible', drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'
The beauty of telling these Englishman,
jokes is that you can modify the nationalities to suit your audience.
A Frenchman, a German, an Irishman and an Englishman
A Frenchman, a German, an Irishman and an
Englishman are talking together after some rigorous exercise.
'I'm so tired and thirsty,' moaned the Frenchman, 'I think I must have a glass of wine.'
'I'm so tired and thirsty,' responded the
German, 'I think I must have a beer.'
'I'm so tired and thirsty,' murmured the Irishman, 'I think I must have a Guinness.'
'I'm so tired and thirsty,' muttered the Englishman, 'I think I must
A similar joke appeared in Simon Hoggart's column, in The Guardian. Guy
and Will do not generally publish jokes which perpetuate stereo-typical
humour; in this particular case the amusement has won through.
Three Englishmen and a Welshman
Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table.
fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.'
His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.'
The third Englishman said,
'Wait here chaps. I know how to do it.'
He went over to the Welshman and said, 'St David was a flippin' sissy.'
To this the Welshman replied, 'Ah well you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking
The second Englishman now tried his luck and said to the Welshman, 'St David was a stupid fool that wore a dress!'
The Welshman again replied, 'You're very sharp, you don't say!' and
calmly resumed drinking his beer.
The last Englishman told his friends he knew how to rile the Welshman and bounced up to the table and yelled, 'St David was an Englishman!'
The Welshman replied,
calmly, 'That's what your mates were trying to tell me.'
An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when
they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows.
The American thought he would have a joke at the expense of his Irish
companion. 'You see that, Shaughnessy, I reckon,' said the American,
pointing to the gallows. 'And now where would you be if the gallows had its
'Riding alone,' coolly replied Shaughnessy.
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while
fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said,
'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all
in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one
more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys
Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to
remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with
Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more
time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
Some More Silly, Clean, Funny, Englishman Jokes from Will and
Setting aside political correctness, some of these jokes reflect
national stereotypes, while others can be modified to suit any
combination of English, Irish, Scottish or Welshmen.
Entertaining Joke About An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were
confessing their secret vices to each other.
'I'm a terrible gambler,'
said The Englishman.
'I'm a terrible drinker,' said The Scotsman.
vice is much less serious,' said The Irishman, 'I just like to tell tales
about my friends.'
An Englishman, Welshman and Irishman
An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and
about to go on the helter-skelter when an old witch steps in front of
'This is a magic ride,' she says. 'You will land in whatever you
shout out on the way down.'
'I'm game for this,' says Dai, the Welshman, and slides down the
helter-skelter shouting 'GOLD!' at the top of his voice. Sure enough,
when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of
pounds worth of gold coins.
William, the Englishman, goes next and shouts 'SILVER!' at the top of
his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can
Patrick, the Irishman, goes last and, launching himself from the top
of the slide shouts 'WEEEEEEE!'
Funny Jokes From Other Lands
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban
on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the
day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30
miles outside of Paris, caused soldiers at a nearby French Army
garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
'In California, a speech teacher is in a lot of trouble
for encouraging her students to oppose the war with Iraq. The
principal was furious and said telling kids to oppose the war is the
French teacher's job.' - Conan O'Brien
A sign seen in the window of a shop in Enniskillen, County
Fermanagh, Northern Ireland. It reads: 'The bargain basement...is on
the first floor.'
Andrew called in to see his Scottish friend Angus to find
he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he
remarked 'You're decorating, I see.'
To which Angus replied, 'No. I'm moving house.'
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman set up in business as furniture removal
men. On their first job when the householder saw the Englishman and the Scotsman struggling to carry
a wardrobe upstairs, she asked them, 'Where is the Irishman?'
'Oh, he's in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling.'
An Englishman, an
Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking
'I always stir my tea with my left hand,' said The Englishman.
'I always stir my tea with my right hand,' said The Scotsman.
you?' the Irishman was asked.
'Oh me?' said the Irishman, 'I always use
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were out fishing in a boat on a
lake together and doing very well.
'This is a terrific spot for
fishing,' said the Englishman. 'How will we know where this spot is next
'I've thought of that,' said The Scotsman, 'I've just put a mark
on the side of the boat.'
'You idiot,' said the Irishman, 'how do you
know we will get this boat the next time?'
Please send us your funny Funny Englishman,
Irishman, Scotsman jokes.
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