Only in England do supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.
Old in England - A Funny English Story
- Older Than Dirt Quiz:
- The Problem with
- The Best Funny
Typical British Jokes
English Humour - Message from Her Majesty the Queen
- Short English Jokes
Replacement Windows - A Funny English Joke
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
casement type with shutters. Today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been
completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloo............ Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy
had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
Hellloo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence
at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called
I bet he felt like an idiot.
Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Paul: I is the...
Teacher: No, Paul . You must say "I am" not "I is."
John: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
A True English Rose - Funny English Yarn
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the
breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were named Emily,
Maggie and Rose.
After approximately 14 hours, Emily staggered up on the shore and was
declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, Maggie crawled up on the shore
and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, Rose finally came ashore and promptly
collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race,
she replied, 'I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those
two other girls were using their arms.'
See our Olympics jokes.
Funny English Jokes
- Stanley decided to lookup his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted
Yorkshireman. He found Alf at his bungalow in Huddersfield
stripping the wallpaper from the dining room. Rather obviously, he
remarked, "You're decorating, I see." To which Alf replied, "Nay
Stanley lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."
- At an antiques auction in Leeds, England a wealthy American
announced that he had lost his wallet containing £5,000, and he would
give a reward of £50 to the person who found it. From the back of
the hall a Yorkshire voice shouted, "I'll give £100!"
Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite fast food when you
were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All
the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called "at home,"' I explained. 'Mum cooked every day and
when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table,
and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there
until I did like it.'
By this time, the other person was laughing so hard I was afraid he was
going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about
how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood
if I figured his system could have handled it:
- Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf
course, or had a credit card.
- Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.
- All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers.
- We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19. It was, of
course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight,
after playing the national anthem.
- My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed
probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
- I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line.
- Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you
didn't know weren't already using the line.
- Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the
- There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced
for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most
- If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want
to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just
don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
- Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and
he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle.
In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew
immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they
had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle
that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because
we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old!
How many of these do you remember?
- Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
- Ignition switches on the dashboard.
- Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
- Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
- Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Your age ratings is at the bottom.
- Candy cigarettes
- Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
- Home milk delivery in glass bottles
- Party lines on the telephone
- Newsreels before the movie
- TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were
there until TV shows started again in the morning (there were only 3
channels [if you were fortunate]).
- 45 RPM records
- Wash tub wringers
- Metal ice trays with lever
- Blue flashbulb
- Cork popguns
- Ford Zephyrs
If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered
4-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell
If you remembered 11-14 = You're older than dirt!
Don't forget to test your really OLD friends....
Results of Quiz
What's amazing is that although Will scored 14, and Guy 13, neither of us can
remember who won last year's world series, or the 2008 cup final.
More Age Tests - How Old is
- Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
- Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
- Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
- Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than us.
- Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.
See more on quirky English
- Only in England...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the
drive and put our junk in the garage.
- Only in England...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
- Only in England...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way
to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
See more Only
in... English jokes
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while
fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said,
'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all
in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one
more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys
Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to
remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with
Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more
time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
See more Englishman,
The New Zookeeper
Peter starts his new job at the London Zoo and is given three tasks. First is to
clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps
out and bites him. To show who is boss, Peter beats it to death with a
spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the
fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, Peter is
attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two
chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, Peter says to himself, because lions eat
anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
Peter moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to
do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another
lion and says, 'What's the food like here?'
The lion replies, 'Absolutely brilliant!..... Today we had fish and
chimps with mushy bees.'
The British Abroad
Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.
Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since
Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish
and to correct any mistakes of usage.
Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple
and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with
his fishing rod, and announced, 'Mira el mosca.'
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, 'No,
senor, "la mosca"... es feminina.'
Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said,
'Good heavens..... you must have incredibly good eyesight.'
Devyani; Hey, I wanted to confirm one of my answers. Can you help
Anil: Sure, which one was it?
Devyani: Well, we were supposed to add a suitable preposition in the
blank. The question was, 'Bear ____ me for a while.'
Naturally, the answer was "Bear with me for a while." This means that the
speaker requests the person to be patient for a while.
Devyani, however, changed the meaning completely with her answer by
writing: "Bear chased me for a while."
See more Ingrish jokes.
On the London Underground
Two old men, Dick and Norton were sitting next to each other on the
London subway [tube]. Their hearing isn't good.
Dick mutters, 'Is this Wembley?'
'No,' says Norton, 'It's Thursday.'
Dick answers, 'OK then, let's find a pub and have a drink.'
The British At School
One day, Mrs Arnold, a teacher at Green Barn Infant School, Norwich,
England, was attempting to teach the names of animals to a class of
Firstly she held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy, 'Sammy, what
is this animal?'
Sammy looked at the picture with a disheartened look on his face and
responded, 'I'm sorry Mrs Arnold, I don't know.'
Mrs Arnold was not one to give up easily, so she then asked Sammy, 'Well,
Sammy, what does your Mummy call your Daddy?'
Sammy's face suddenly brightened up, but then a confused look spread
slowly, and he asked, 'Mrs Arnold, is that really a pig?'
What did Anne Boleyn's mother say when her daughter said that she had
fallen in love with Henry the VIII and was going to marry him?
That man's not worth losing your head over.
The British at University
A famous scientist, Arnold Nijmegen, was on his way to a lecture in yet
another university, this one in Aberdeen, Scotland, when his chauffeur
offered an idea.
'Tell you what, sir, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could
deliver it and give you the night off.'
'Sounds great,' the Nijmegen responded.
When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat
and settled into the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and
delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions.
'Yes,' said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical
question. The chauffeur, panic stricken for a moment, quickly
recovered. 'Ah, professor now that's an easy one,' he replied, 'in fact,
it's so easy, I'm going to let my chauffeur answer it.'
Will and Guy have created this guide for those of you who will venture into
the English county known as Essex, where they have a language all of their own.
This Essex is in the UK, not far from London, and the accent is not unlike
cockney, but without the rhyming slang.
We recommend that you speak each phrase or word out loud before reading the
translation which we have supplied:
alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item:
how much is it?
amant - Quantity; sum total ('Thez a yuge amant of mud in
assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness or
awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more
likely lost ('That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day'): horse
branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ('Ere,
Trace, ya look branna today, 'ave you been on sunbed?'): browner
cort a panda - A rather large hamburger: quarter
Dan in the maff - Unhappy ('Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit
Dan in the maff'): down in the mouth
eye-eels - Women's shoes: heels
Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre:
garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: 'Oi,
Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper'):
Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island: Ibiza
lafarjik - Lacking in energy ('I feel all lafarjik'):
OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway
of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs: hello
paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport: newspaper
reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after
rejection by a lover ('I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig'):
Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure
pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera,
Eastenders go on holiday: Southend
tan - The city of London, the big smoke: town
webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ('Webbats
is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour'): whereabouts
wonnid - Desired, needed or Wanted by the police:
zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better
than it actually is. ('I told ya a fazzand times already'): exaggerate
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your failure in recent years to
nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister,
David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up
'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Look up aluminium, and
check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you
have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words
such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
'-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We
will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with
immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to
make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and
those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup
but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer
is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they
are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be
due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what
it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four
Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football.
There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you,
like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing
baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for
a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are
aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with
proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits
(cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
See also the Queen's
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