Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an
oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was
Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress
party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just
keeps being replaced by white men."
Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child
and it gets lost."
Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your
time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."
Edinburgh Fringe Jokes 2012
Comedian Stewart Francis has won an award for the funniest joke of the
Edinburgh Fringe. The deadpan Canadian funny man was given the prize by
digital TV channel Dave, whose panel put a selection of their favourites to
a public vote. He won for the joke: 'You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and
Becks.' Guy and Will are unsure whether this joke is really funny. What do you
think? Our Magnificent Seven Fringe Jokes from Edinburgh 2012
Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh
Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back
to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my
Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger
than your book case."
Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got
Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept
Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained:
'It's not rocket salad."
Edinburgh 2011 Joke Results
Comedian Nick Helm has won an award for the best joke of the Edinburgh
Fringe. The up-and-coming funny man was given the prize by digital TV
channel Dave, whose panel put a selection of their favourites to a public
vote. He won for the joke: "I needed a password eight characters long so I
picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
The Rest of the Top Ten Festival Funnies
Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I
picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many
Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You
know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought...
once you've hired the car..."
Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said,
'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."
Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything
in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which
felt like double standards."
Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because
we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a
lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."
DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."
2010 Edinburgh Fringe Jokes and Humour
As our site is predominantly a comedy vehicle Will and Guy wish to
present you with the funniest jokes experienced each year at the Edinburgh
fringe. Tim Vine with his award for the funniest joke of the Fringe. Comedian Tim Vine has won a prize for the funniest joke of 2010 at the
Edinburgh Fringe. The pun pundit, who won the Perrier newcomer award in 1995, was presented
with his latest prize by digital TV channel Dave. His winning one-liner was,
'I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never
again.' The award was judged by eight comedy critics, whose shortlist of 24 jokes
went forward to a public vote.
The Top 10 Festival Funnies
Were Judged To Be:
Tim Vine: I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you
what, never again.
David Gibson: I'm currently dating a couple of
anorexics. Two birds, one stone.
Emo Philips: I picked up a hitch hiker.
You've got to when you hit them.
Jack Whitehall: I bought one of those
anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say "bought", I
actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
Gary Delaney: As a kid I
was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
John Bishop: Being
an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat
kid on sports day.
Bo Burnham: What do you call a kid with no arms and an
eye patch? Names.
Gary Delaney: Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got
him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have
Robert White: For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of
Gareth Richards: Wooden spoons are great. You can
either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that,
just write a number on one and walk into a pub .....
Judging Competition organisers
Dave said each judge sat through an average of 60 performances, totalling
3,600 minutes of comedy material. They may only have skimmed the surface,
however. The Fringe website lists 883 comedy shows taking place during the
festival's month-long run. On receiving his prize, Vine said, 'I am very
happy to win this award and I'm going to celebrate by going to Sooty's
barbecue and having a sweepsteak.'
Will and Guy's Funny Fringe
Andrew Lawrence: Contact lenses are a little bit like parents
- the older
they get, the more they irritate you, then you lose one of them and the one
that's left behind gives you a constant headache'
Arj Barker: I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even
know I exist ... and worse, she can prove it.
Mark Watson: The airport confiscated my razor; they said I might cut the
pilot's throat. It was a Gillette Mach3. Cut his throat? I'm more likely to
make him look 10 years younger'
Russell Kane: On a date you want to present yourself warts and all. Well,
maybe not warts - 'Ooh, you want to put some liquid nitrogen on that big
one. Either that or a hat.'
Stephen K Amos: We had one book when I was growing up: the phone book.
I've read it, it wasn't a great read: too many characters and at the end
loads of Polish people turn up'
Tim Vine: So I saw this Scotsman and I asked him if he had spots when he
was younger. He replied, 'Achh-neeee.'
Tom Wrigglesworth: You know when you find things out of place in the
supermarket? Like when you find a tin of peaches in among the washing
powder, as if someone's thought, 'well, we can't do the laundry and make a
Photo: Jonathan Smith
to The August Edinburgh Fringe Festival
Each summer people visit Edinburgh, Scotland, from every corner of the
globe and enjoy three exhilarating weeks of the very best in international
opera, music, drama and dance and comedy. Performers from the Americas and the Pacific rub shoulders with artists
from Spain, Holland, Germany, Russia and the UK, creating a delicious
melting pot of entertainment. The Edinburgh Festival, which is the largest cultural event in the world,
traces its roots to 1947 when the Edinburgh International Festival [EIF] was
established in a post-war effort to "provide a platform for the flowering of
the human spirit". That same year, eight theatrical companies "gatecrashed" the official
Festival by organizing their own event, outside the official auspices of the
EIF; this started the movement which grew into the Edinburgh Festival Fringe
[EFF]. The EFF is also referred to as the Edinburgh Fringe, the Fringe, or
[incorrectly] the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. The EIF and the Fringe remain independent bodies and run separate
programmes each year. Since the Edinburgh International Festival was
organized in 1947, several other festivals have also been established in
Edinburgh. Most of these take place in late summer each year, as well. There
is, therefore, not one Edinburgh Festival, but a collection of independent
festivals which happen to take place in the same city at about the same
The Worst Jokes From The Edinburgh Fringe 2010
Sara Pascoe: 'Why did the chicken commit suicide? To
get to the other side.
Sean Hughes: ''You know city-centre beat officers...
Well are they police who rap?
Doc Brown: ''I was born into the music industry. My dad
worked in Our Price.
Sarah Millican: 'I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit.
I suppose that it's not enough to just buy it.
Bec Hill: Some of my best friends are vegan. They were
going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the
Dan Antopolski: 'How many Spaniards does it take to
change a light bulb? Juan.' [Say it out loud suggests Will]
Andi Osho: Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords.
How did she get in, through the round window?
Gareth Richards: My mother is always taking photographs
of me; she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the
Emo Phillips: I like to play chess with bald men in the park
although it's hard to find 32 of them.
P.S. Please write to Will and Guy if you have a good Oscar Wilde quote or a witty one-liner.
See more clean jokes, one-liners and quotes from these comedians: