Edinburgh Fringe Jokes


Funny Edinburgh Fringe Jokes

Each August people are drawn to Edinburgh, Scotland like bees to a
honey pot.  They come in search of international
opera, music, drama and dance and especially comedy.

Funny Jokes from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe


Edinburgh Fringe Jokes 2013

Seven of the best jokes from Edinburgh 2013.

  1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an
    oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
  2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was
  3. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress
    party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
  4. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just
    keeps being replaced by white men."
  5. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child
    and it gets lost."
  6. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
  7. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your
    time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

Edinburgh Fringe Jokes 2012

Comedian Stewart Francis has won an award for the funniest joke of the
Edinburgh Fringe. The deadpan Canadian funny man was given the prize by
digital TV channel Dave, whose panel put a selection of their favourites to
a public vote.

He won for the joke: 'You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and

Guy and Will are unsure whether this joke is really funny. What do you

Our Magnificent Seven Fringe Jokes from Edinburgh 2012

  1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh
    and Becks."
  2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back
    to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
  3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my
  4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger
    than your book case."
  5. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got
  6. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept
    together. Riveting!"
  7. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained:
    'It's not rocket salad."

Edinburgh 2011 Joke Results

Comedian Nick Helm has won an award for the best joke of the Edinburgh
Fringe. The up-and-coming funny man was given the prize by digital TV
channel Dave, whose panel put a selection of their favourites to a public

He won for the joke: "I needed a password eight characters long so I
picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

The Rest of the Top Ten Festival Funnies

  1.  Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I
    picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
  2. Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many
    different levels."
  3. Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You
    know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
  4. Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought...
    once you've hired the car..."
  5. Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said,
    'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."
  6. Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything
    in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which
    felt like double standards."
  7. Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because
    we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
  8. Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a
    lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."
  9. DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

2010 Edinburgh Fringe Jokes and Humour

As our site is predominantly a comedy vehicle Will and Guy wish to
present you with the funniest jokes experienced each year at the Edinburgh

Tim Vine with his award for the funniest joke of the Fringe.

Comedian Tim Vine has won a prize for the funniest joke of 2010 at the
Edinburgh Fringe.

The pun pundit, who won the Perrier newcomer award in 1995, was presented
with his latest prize by digital TV channel Dave. His winning one-liner was,
'I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never

The award was judged by eight comedy critics, whose shortlist of 24 jokes
went forward to a public vote.

The Top 10 Festival Funnies
Were Judged To Be:

  1. Tim Vine: I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you
    what, never again.
  2. David Gibson: I'm currently dating a couple of
    anorexics. Two birds, one stone.
  3. Emo Philips: I picked up a hitch hiker.
    You've got to when you hit them.
  4. Jack Whitehall: I bought one of those
    anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say "bought", I
    actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
  5. Gary Delaney: As a kid I
    was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
  6. John Bishop: Being
    an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat
    kid on sports day.
  7. Bo Burnham: What do you call a kid with no arms and an
    eye patch? Names.
  8. Gary Delaney: Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got
    him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have
  9. Robert White: For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of
    chocolates: Empty.
  10. Gareth Richards: Wooden spoons are great. You can
    either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that,
    just write a number on o
    ne and walk into a pub .....

JudgingFunny Edinburgh Fringe Jokes

Competition organisers
Dave said each judge sat through an average of 60 performances, totalling
3,600 minutes of comedy material. They may only have skimmed the surface,
however. The Fringe website lists 883 comedy shows taking place during the
festival's month-long run.

On receiving his prize, Vine said, 'I am very
happy to win this award and I'm going to celebrate by going to Sooty's
barbecue and having a sweepsteak.'

Will and Guy's Funny Fringe
Festival Favourites

  • Andrew Lawrence: Contact lenses are a little bit like parents
    - the older
    they get, the more they irritate you, then you lose one of them and the one
    that's left behind gives you a constant headache'
  • Arj Barker: I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even
    know I exist ... and worse, she can prove it.
  • Mark Watson: The airport confiscated my razor; they said I might cut the
    pilot's throat. It was a Gillette Mach3. Cut his throat? I'm more likely to
    make him look 10 years younger'
  • Russell Kane: On a date you want to present yourself warts and all. Well,
    maybe not warts - 'Ooh, you want to put some liquid nitrogen on that big
    one. Either that or a hat.'
  • Stephen K Amos: We had one book when I was growing up: the phone book.
    I've read it, it wasn't a great read: too many characters and at the end
    loads of Polish people turn up'
  • Tim Vine: So I saw this Scotsman and I asked him if he had spots when he
    was younger. He replied, 'Achh-neeee.'
  • Tom Wrigglesworth: You know when you find things out of place in the
    supermarket? Like when you find a tin of peaches in among the washing
    powder, as if someone's thought, 'well, we can't do the laundry and make a

Photo: Jonathan Smith

to The August Edinburgh Fringe Festival

Each summer people visit Edinburgh, Scotland, from every corner of the
globe and enjoy three exhilarating weeks of the very best in international
opera, music, drama and dance and comedy.

Performers from the Americas and the Pacific rub shoulders with artists
from Spain, Holland, Germany, Russia and the UK, creating a delicious
melting pot of entertainment.

The Edinburgh Festival, which is the largest cultural event in the world,
traces its roots to 1947 when the Edinburgh International Festival [EIF] was
established in a post-war effort to "provide a platform for the flowering of
the human spirit".

That same year, eight theatrical companies "gatecrashed" the official
Festival by organizing their own event, outside the official auspices of the
EIF; this started the movement which grew into the Edinburgh Festival Fringe
[EFF]. The EFF is also referred to as the Edinburgh Fringe, the Fringe, or
[incorrectly] the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.[2]

The EIF and the Fringe remain independent bodies and run separate
programmes each year. Since the Edinburgh International Festival was
organized in 1947, several other festivals have also been established in
Edinburgh. Most of these take place in late summer each year, as well. There
is, therefore, not one Edinburgh Festival, but a collection of independent
festivals which happen to take place in the same city at about the same

The Worst Jokes From The Edinburgh Fringe 2010

  • Sara Pascoe: 'Why did the chicken commit suicide? To
    get to the other side.
  • Sean Hughes: ''You know city-centre beat officers...
    Well are they police who rap?
  • Doc Brown: ''I was born into the music industry. My dad
    worked in Our Price.
  • Sarah Millican: 'I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit.
    I suppose that it's not enough to just buy it.
  • Bec Hill: Some of my best friends are vegan. They were
    going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the
  • Dan Antopolski: 'How many Spaniards does it take to
    change a light bulb? Juan.' [Say it out loud suggests Will]
  • Andi Osho: Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords.
    How did she get in, through the round window?
  • Gareth Richards: My mother is always taking photographs
    of me; she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the
  • Emo Phillips: I like to play chess with bald men in the park
    although it's hard to find 32 of them.

P.S. Please write to Will and Guy if you have a good Oscar Wilde quote or a witty one-liner.

See more clean jokes, one-liners and quotes from these comedians:


Tommy Cooper - Cooperisms
Tim Vine   •
Ronnie Barker   •
Spike Milligan

Oscar Wilde's Quotes

Groucho Marx jokes
Steven Wright
Funny quotes

Edinburgh Fringe Jokes
Clean one-liners   •