Here is Will and Guy’s collection of hilarious Christmas gags and witty riddles.
‘Waiter – There’s a Fly in My Champagne’
A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.
- The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
- The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.
- The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
- The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
- The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
- The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
- The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
- The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
- The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
- The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a $50 million compensation.
- The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, ‘Now spit out all that you swallowed.’
Mistletoe Joke
Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section. ‘How much is this gold tinsel garland’.
The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, ‘This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre’.
‘Wow, that’s great’, said Jennifer, ‘I’ll take 12 metres’.
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.
She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, ‘My Grandpa will settle the bill.’
Funniest Christmas Label Seen This Year
On the bottom of a Tesco’s Christmas Tiramisu dessert ‘Do not turn upside down’ [……….. woops, too late!]
French Parents Seek Ban on Father Christmas Advert
French parents have sought to ban a television commercial in which a father tells his adult son that Father Christmas does not exist, claiming it has traumatised their children Will and Guy have discovered.
The 20-second clip was aired last week during a commercial break on TF1, which was broadcasting the family film, “Ratatouille”.
‘Son, I’ve got some bad news for you,’ says the father in the advert for Crédit Mutuel, a high street bank. ‘Father Christmas doesn’t exist,’ he says, making a parallel with financial advisers whose prime motivation for selling products, he claims, is their commission.
The commercial sparked outrage among parents who are calling on the advertising watchdog to ban the clip.
The Funniest Christmas Riddles and Puns
- I went to the Canary Islands on holiday this year, didn’t see one canary.
Going to the Virgin Islands next year, can’t wait. Ed Byrne - Why did the turkey cross the road?
Are you kidding? It’s Christmas – he should run a mile.Stephen K Amos - Why did the atheist cross the road?
So he could see both sides.Tom Wrigglesworth - A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre ……
So the barman gives her one.Meera Syal - How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.Ben Miller - What does a frog do if his car breaks down?
He gets it toad away. - Never read a popup book about giraffes. Sean Lock
- Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… Or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.
Sean Hughes - Man: I’ll have the steak and kiddley pie, please.
Waiter: I think you mean steak and kidney?
Man: That’s what I said, diddle I?Alexander Armstrong - I’ve started dating this Jewish podiatrist.
I’m in love with her footspa.Phil Nichol - Where do Snow-women like to dance?
At Snowballs. - How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?
He has Santa claws!Dave Hill - What do you give a railway station master for Christmas?
Platform shoes.Will
Can You Tell If This Snowman is Lying?
Surgeon: Can I pick your nose?
Father Christmas Calls
Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, ‘from Father Christmas.’
A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.
‘What’s the matter, Al?’ I asked.
‘Ummmm’, replied Alex slowly, ‘I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Christmas’.
