Witty Funny Quotes

Here is Will and Guy’s collection of short quotes from famous people.

Will’s 10 Favourite Witty Funny Quotes

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace. – Helen Keller
People seldom do what they believe in, they do what is convenient, and then repent. – Bob Dylan
Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver. – William James
The wise man has long ears and a short tongue. – Anonymous.
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. – Jimi Hendrix
Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. – Unknown, but often attributed to Albert Camus
The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold them in the right scale of values. – Norman Thomas
Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who’ll get the blame. – Bertrand Russell
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. – Albert Einstein
I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it. – Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx
Coffee isn’t my cup of tea. – Samuel Goldwyn
I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? – Paul Merton
At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual. – Patrick Moore
Operator! Give me the number for 911. – Homer Simpson
I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes. – Oscar Wilde
Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning? – George W Bush
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said, ‘No, Six should be enough.’ – Les Dawson
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil. – Paul Getty

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies. – Voltaire on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.
Wagner’s music is better than it sounds. – Mark Twain.
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. – Jerome K. Jerome
It takes a long time to grow an old friend. – John Leonard
There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. – Benjamin Franklin
I think; therefore I am. – Rene Descartes
I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that. – Ellen DeGeneres
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. – Voltaire
A drunk is in front of a judge. The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking.’ The drunk says, ‘Okay, let’s get started.’ – Henny Youngman
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”. – Tommy Cooper.

Here is a list of witty and funny quotes. I truly believe that amongst these famous sayings there is a maxim or a proverb for any every occasion.

The authors of these quotations is often a surprise, for example:

Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.
Bill Gates

Please send us your witty funny quotes