Assorted Jokes and One-liners
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
What is the difference between a cello and a viola? A cello burns longer.
I was staying in a hotel and I saw a sign on the shower cap, it said: ‘Fits one head only’.
Ronnie Barker Jokes
‘The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.’
‘The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.’
Amusing Truisms
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Funny Notices
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Wise Words
Even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.
To cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Saturday’s child works hard for a living.
Saturn day. (Samedi in French). Saturday morning still has a special feeling for Will and Guy – it’s sports day, quickly finish the chores and then watch our favourite sport.
The Season Ticket
Iris was reading her Saturday newspaper, while her husband, Ben, was engrossed the magazine.
Suddenly, Iris burst out laughing. ‘Listen to this, Ben,’ she said, ‘There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to *Stamford Bridge.’
‘Hmmm,’ Ben said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Iris asked, ‘Would you swap me for a season ticket?’
‘Absolutely not,’ Ben replied.
‘How sweet, ‘Iris continued, ‘Tell me why not.?’
‘Season’s more than half over,’ Ben trumpeted.
*Stamford Bridge is the stadium where Chelsea Football Club plays.
Sunday’s child is wise and good.
Sun day, the day of God. The Latin translation is Dominica, hence Dimanche in French. Sunday still has an element of a day of rest. Therefore, it’s only natural that our humour should change at the weekend. I see mellower jokes going down better at the weekend, a reminder of the movies, or the big game
Five Funny Signs Spotted In Sunday Restaurants
- At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: Eat here and get gas.
- At a Sante Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
- In a New Hampshire jewellery store: Ears pierced while you wait.
- In an New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
- In a Michigan restaurant: The early bird gets the worm. Special shoppers’ luncheon before 11am.
Cartoon opposite is by Fitz
Silly Weekend Chant
1 Tequila
2 Tequila
3 Tequila
Floor.
Please send us your funny weekend jokes.
