Seen in the University of Texas student newspaper: Sweet, little old Jewish lady wishes to see U.T. undergraduate at Yom Kippur. Prefers six-foot male with brown eyes answering to initials: J.A.S.
Signed, His Mother.
Perfect Round?
Rabbi Ben Simmons was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.
Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.
As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi Ben Simmons playing the best game he had ever played. The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course and then again on the next hole.
Moses turned to God and asked, ‘I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?’
God replied, ‘Who can he tell?’
A Priest and a Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance.
Rabbi Shimon Ben Gamliel explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the Father John tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins.
After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife, Deborah, about the conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur.
Deborah turns her head and laughs.
The rabbi says, ‘What’s so funny, dear?’
Deborah’s response, ’40 days of Lent – one day of Yom Kippur…so, even when it comes to sin, the goyyim* pay retail…..’
*Goyyim is a term for a gentile or non-Jew.
Save Me Lord
David Greenbaum is a devoutly religious man who believes in the power of prayer. His house is caught in the rising waters of a devastating flood.
A row boat comes by to rescue him; he refuses it because he waits for his God to save him. As the waters rise Greenbaum climbs higher and higher up his house, refusing each successive boat that comes by.
Finally he drowns and goes to heaven. He complains bitterly to the Lord that he was such a good Jew and yet the Lord had forsaken him ‘How can you say that, David?’ the Lord retorts. ‘I sent four boats for you.’
A Rabbi, A Priest and a Minister
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were talking together one day in Central Park. The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a snowstorm so terrible that he couldn’t see more than a foot in front of him. He was completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to walk. He prayed to God, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 metres away.
The minister told a similar story. He had been out on a small boat when a heavy storm struck. There were 20-foot high waves, and the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to God, and, while the storm continued all around, for several feet in each direction, the sea calmed, and the minister was able to return safely to port.
The rabbi, too, had such a story. One Sabbath morning, on the way home from his Shul, he saw a very thick wad of £20 notes in the gutter. Of course, since it was Shabbat, the rabbi wasn’t able to touch the money. So he prayed to God, and everywhere, for miles in every direction, it was still Shabbat, but for 10 feet around him, it was Thursday.
Gambling Clergy
Father Murphy, Reverend Phillips and Rabbi Nussbaum are all playing cards together and gambling in the back room of the pub. All of a sudden, the police come in and they are arrested.
In court, the magistrate asks Father Murphy, “You are accused of gambling. What do you have to say?”
The old priest looks up to heaven, winks and prays silently, “Oh, God! Just one little white lie! I’ll never do it again. Okay?”
He then announces to the magistrate, “Not guilty.”
“Okay,” says the magistrate, “you can go.”
He turns to the Reverend. “And what about you, Reverend?” he asks. “What do you have to say?”
The clergyman looks piously to heaven and then bows his head in prayer, “Oh, God! Just one little white lie! I will never do it again,” and then says out loud, “Not guilty.”
“Very well,” says the magistrate, “you can go.”
Rabbi Nussbaum is the only one left. “You are accused of gambling,” says the magistrate to the rabbi. “What do you have to say?”
“Gambling?” asks the rabbi. “With whom?”
When to Call For a Priest
Joshua is on his death bed late one night with the wind howling and the rain beating down fiercely.
His wife Rachel comes in and asks if she can do anything for him.
Joshua replies, ‘There is one thing. Call a priest.’
‘Darling, Josh, you’re delirious. You mean a Rabbi?’
‘No I mean a priest. Why send the Rabbi out so late on such a night?’
Help!
Daniel is walking along a coastal path with a sheer cliff alongside. He slips and falls down the cliff, grabbing desperately for something to hold on to. Luckily he manages to catch himself on a hanging branch.
Looking down at the long fall below him, Daniel turns his eyes toward the heavens and says, ‘God, I’m sorry that I never really believed in you, but if there’s anybody up there, please help me.’
A still small voice comes down from heaven and says, ‘Do not worry my son. Now have faith in me. All you need to do is let go, and I will save you from the fall.’
Daniel looks down again at the jagged rocks below him and up to heaven and says, ‘Is there anybody else up there?’
Triple XXX
Samuel Cohen was the oldest of seven children. Unfortunately, he had to leave school early and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. So Samuel never learned to read.
Years later when he married and opened a bank account, he signed his cheques just “XX”.
Samuel then started his own tailoring business in Golders Green, London, which soon prospered. He became a very rich man.
One Thursday, he got a call from his bank, ‘Mr. Cohen, I wanted to ask you about this cheque. We weren’t sure you had really signed it. All these years, you’ve been signing your cheques, “XX”; this one is signed with three X’s………’
Samuel sighed, “Since I’ve become rich, my wife thought I should have a middle name.’
Ways of Celebrating the Special Holy Days of Yom Kippur
While there are elements of joy and celebration, Yom Kippur is a deeply religious occasion. The customs and symbols of Yom Kippur reflect the holiday’s dual emphasis, happiness and humility.
Yom Kippur, Will and Guy have been told is celebrated with sweet foods, like apples dipped in honey and honey cake, as a wish for a sweet year. Some families also celebrate with symbolic foods like the head of a fish, pomegranates, and carrots.
The head of a fish is so that we can be “like the head and not like the tail.” This is a symbol of having a year in which we are on top and not the bottom. Pomegranates are symbolic of plenty. We want plenty of health and happiness for the New Year, just as many good things as there are seed in a pomegranate. Thousands say Will and Guy.
Carrots are also eaten and it isn’t just to see better in the dark. For Ashkenazi Jews, carrots symbolize the Yiddish word “merren” which also means more. We want more of all the good things in life. More health, more happiness, more success. For Sephardic Jews, carrots are symbolic of the phrase “Yikaretu oyveychem” which means may your enemies be cut down. We ask that those who wish bad for us not get their wish, that they don’t succeed.
A shofar is a horn, traditionally that of a ram, which is used for Jewish religious purposes. Shofar blowing is incorporated in synagogue services on both Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
Yom Kippur – Day of Atonement
Ten days after the start of Rosh Hashanah comes Yom Kippur. Jews all over the world do not eat or drink for 24 hours. Yom Kippur is a day for thoughts and prayers generally at the synagogue. All adults are required to fast. Boys and girls before their Bar or Bat Mitzvahs are not required to fast. People that are too ill to fast are also not required to fast.
After the Yom Kippur services the fast is broken by having breakfast. Now the real party begins with the breaking of the fast. It is tradition to celebrate this with a hearty spread of food that may include, for example, challah, [a bread] pickled and smoked fishes and bagels with cream cheese.
A shofar is a horn, traditionally that of a ram, which is used for Jewish religious purposes. Shofar blowing is incorporated in synagogue services at Yom Kippur.
Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, Falls on the Hebrew Calendar Date of 10 Tishrei
Here are the coinciding secular dates
2010: September 17th – 18th
2011: October 7th – 8th
2012: September 25th – 26th
2013: September 13th – 14th
2014: October 3rd – 4th
2015: September 22nd – 23rd
Will and Guy are keen to collect more Yom Kippur jokes and funny stories.
Yom Kippur 2012 September 26th
Yom Kippur is Jewish religious festival that starts at sunset on the evening of the 10th day of their civil new year (Tishrei 10).
Yom Kippur – Day of Atonement
Ten days after the start of Rosh Hashanah comes Yom Kippur. Jews all over the world do not eat or drink for 24 hours. Yom Kippur is a day for thoughts and prayers generally at the synagogue. All adults are required to fast. Boys and girls before their Bar or Bat Mitzvahs are not required to fast. People that are too ill to fast are also not required to fast.
After the Yom Kippur services the fast is broken by having breakfast. Now the real party begins with the breaking of the fast. It is tradition to celebrate this with a hearty spread of food that may include, for example, challah, [a bread] pickled and smoked fishes and bagels with cream cheese.
A shofar is a horn, traditionally that of a ram, which is used for Jewish religious purposes. Shofar blowing is incorporated in synagogue services at Yom Kippur.
Origin of Yom Kippur
On the 10th of Tishrei, “God restored His goodwill with the Jewish people gladly and wholeheartedly, saying to Moses ‘I have forgiven, as you ask’, and gave him the Second Tablets”. This was forgiveness for people of Israel betraying their new covenant with God by worshipping a Golden Calf. Thus Yom Kippur was established that as a day of atonement or forgiveness.
See more about Rosh Hashanah which is 10 days befor Rosh Hashanah and establishes the start of the civil Jewish year.
Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, Falls on the Hebrew Calendar Date of 10 Tishrei
Here are the coinciding secular dates
2010: September 18th – 19th
2011: October 8th – 9th
2012: September 26th – 27th
2013: September 14th – 15th
2014: October 4th – 5th
2015: September 23nd – 24th NB. The Jewish calendar date begins at sundown of the night beforehand, Will and Guy have learned. Thus all holiday observances begin at sundown on the secular dates listed, with the following day being the first full day of the holiday. Jewish calendar dates conclude at nightfall.
Clean and Funny Jokes for Yom Kippur
1) When to Call For a Priest
Joshua is on his death bed late one night with the wind howling and the rain beating down fiercely.
His wife Rachel comes in and asks if she can do anything for him.
Joshua replies, ‘There is one thing. Call a priest.’
‘Darling, Josh, you’re delirious. You mean a Rabbi?’
‘No I mean a priest. Why send the Rabbi out so late on such a night?’
2) A Priest and a Rabbi A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance.
Rabbi Shimon Ben Gamliel explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the Father John tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins.
After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife, Deborah, about the conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur.
Deborah turns her head and laughs.
The rabbi says, ‘What’s so funny, dear?’
Deborah’s response, ’40 days of Lent – one day of Yom Kippur…so, even when it comes to sin, the goyyim* pay retail…..’
*Goyyim is a term for a gentile or non-Jew.
3) Save Me Lord
David Greenbaum is a devoutly religious man who believes in the power of prayer. His house is caught in the rising waters of a devastating flood.
A row boat comes by to rescue him; he refuses it because he waits for his God to save him. As the waters rise Greenbaum climbs higher and higher up his house, refusing each successive boat that comes by.
Finally he drowns and goes to heaven. He complains bitterly to the Lord that he was such a good Jew and yet the Lord had forsaken him ‘How can you say that, David?’ the Lord retorts. ‘I sent four boats for you.’
4) The SynagogueRick wanted to get into the synagogue In Gants Hill, London on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don’t let you in.
Rick pleads, ‘Look, I just want to give a message to Morris in there.’
The man at the door says, ‘Sorry sir, you’ve got to have a ticket.’
Rick replies, ‘Just let me in for one minute, then I’ll be right out.’
‘Alright,’ says the man at the door, ‘but I better not catch you praying.’
5) The Rabbi Has a Heart Attack The President of the congregation went to visit Rabbi Ben Azzai, who is in the Tel Aviv hospital having just suffered a mild heart-attack.
He says, ‘Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery.’
Will and Guy are keen to learn more about Yom Kippur, so please send us your stories, and corrections to our information.
