Quanatas airline jokes. Pilot and engineer

Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet’, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.

Quanatas bug report

Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.

Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Engineers: That’s what they’re for.

Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.

Engineers: Suspect you’re right.

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.

Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.

Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums

Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.

Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

Engineers: Cat installed.

And perhaps, the best one for last…

Pilot:. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

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