Clean but funny Irish stories

Contents

Seven Funny Irish Stories

1) Irish Directions

My personal involvement with Irish humour came when I went  on holiday to the west coast.  I soon got lost in Lahinch and I wanted directions to get to Lisdoonvarna, when I asked a local he said.  If I wanted to get to Lisdoonvarna I would not start here, I would start in Ennis.

2) Irish Racing Story

Racing is a national pastime, I soon got accustomed to the Reverend fathers, rushing past me to get a bet on at the race track.  My mate Trev spotted one Reverend father making a big fuss of a horse in the parade ring.  Amazingly the horse went on to win the next race easily.

We took great interest when we saw the same Reverend father bless another horse in the next race, blow me, this horse won too.  Well we were hot on the Reverend father's coat tails for the third race and as soon as he patted a horse called Foxy Loxy, we raced off to get
the best odds we could with the bookies.

Foxy Loxy was well up with the pace on the first circuit, but down the back straight for the second time, Foxy Loxy dropped to the rear.
Then to our chagrin it dropped dead by the water jump.

When we went back to the bar we fell into conversation with a local, and told him the tale of the Reverend father. 'Be gora'
he said, 'you have to learn the difference between when Reverend Murphy is blessing a horse and when he is giving it the last rites'
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3) Amazing Experience in the Vestry

The hospitality in Ireland is legendary, and I soon fell into conversation with the landlord of the pub in Lisdoonvarna where I was staying.   On the third day the landlord Bill bemoaned the fact that he was running out of change, and the mobile bank would not be in town for another 4 days.  All lunch hour he would talk about nothing else except shortage of change.  So I came out of holiday mode and put my thinking cap on.  Then in a moment of inspiration, it came to me - all the change goes into the Church collection (this was back in the 1970s).

I think you have hit the nail on the head, said the landlord, here is a £50 note go up and ask the Reverend O' Reilly in the church for some change.  Well it just seemed natural and obvious to go and do as he asked.  I arrived in the vestry and sure enough, there was the Reverend father.' Bill from the Rose sent me to see if you had any change, 'I said.' Of course, of course he said I'll break the £50 in
change for you'.  Now I have seen some three card sharps at the race track, and I have seen people riffle chips in casino, but I have never seen anything like this Reverend father count out £50 in change. He lost me in the count after the first pile of £10's worth of 10p coins.

It flashed through my mind what had happened, Bill and the Reverend father were in this con together. Bill used autosuggestion to
make me think of going to the Church, the Reverend father would give me £30 in change, and I would have to make up the difference out of my own pocket.  What could I do, I could hardly ask the Reverend father for a recount, by the way he counted the money the first time, I would probably be none the wiser.

After weighing up all the options I decided to play dumb and see what happened. When I went back, Bill asked innocently, 'what did you think of Reverend O' Reilly?'  'Interesting man' I said neutrally.  'Here is the change he gave me 'Well Bill just threw the coins in the
till without counting them.  I felt ashamed there was no con.  Then I remembered this is Ireland, this is how they are friendly and amazing people, I soon cheered up. 'Well done Guy, great idea getting that change from the church,  have a pint on the house'
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4) O'Shaugnessy needs time off - Irish humour at its best

Soon after O'Shaugnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O'Shaugnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news. 'To be shure it was, Boss', he replied, 'I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.'

'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'

'No', replied O'Shaugnessy. 'I'll finish the day out.'

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaugnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'

5) Never Felt Better - Classic Irish Story

In a court in Killarney, deep in Munster, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:

Lawyer: 'At the scene of the accident, Mr O'Shea, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?'

O'Shea the farmer: 'That's right, sir.'

Lawyer: 'Well then, Mr O'Shea, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?'

O'Shea the farmer: 'When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'  I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say: 'I've never felt better in my life.'

6) A Double Lesson

A carload of hunters, on holiday, were looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard in County Waterford, Ireland. The driver, Brannagh, went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on the farmer's land.

The old farmer said, 'Sure you can hunt, but would you be doing me a favour? That old donkey standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?'

Brannagh replied, 'Of course I will,' and strolled back to the car.

While walking back, however, Brannagh decided to play a trick on his hunting friends. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said if it was alright, he said, 'No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old fellow a lesson he won't forget.'

With that, the Irishman rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and shot the donkey. As he shouted, 'To be sure, that will teach him,' a second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting mates yelled, 'And me, begorrah, I got the cow.'
Skull Only Used Once

7) Two Heads are Better Than One

An American tourist travelling in County Clare came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 200 Irish punts ($350), the skull of Brian Boru*.

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Brian Boru himself.
Joke Brian Boru Skull

Fifteen years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains.

'I've got the very thing for you, 'said the shopkeeper, 'It's the genuine skull of Brian Boru.'

'You cheat, 'exploded the American, 'You sold me that fifteen years ago, 'and producing the skull added loudly, 'Look, they're not even the same size.'

Joke Brian Boru Skull'You have got it wrong,' opined the seller, 'This is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a lad.'

* Brian Boru (940 to 1014) managed the rare feat of uniting Ireland.  In a turning point in the war with the Vikings,
Brian Boru defeated the Viking leader Ivar in single combat.  Not only was Brian successful in battle, but he also had at least 4 wives and founded the O' Brien clan.

Footnote: Please send us your funny Irish stories