- Wierd Jokes Based on Clever Use of Language
- A Jackson Story
- Sherlock Holmes - Elementary Dear Watson
- Two Wierd Jokes that have stood the test of time
- Heroic Failures
- Short Jokes
Classic Short and Sweet JokeWhere's the English Channel? I don't know - our television doesn't pick it up.
The American and the Welsh farmersAn American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer. 'How big is your spread?' , asked the American. 'Well look you, it's about 20 acres he said' . Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. 'Dew dew' , said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.'
Windy Tale?Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it? 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' The third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
This Will Rot More than Your TeethThe hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire. 'The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives. Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'
Divine Intervention'I'm in a terrible fix,' moaned Raymond. 'I'm in love with two girls and I don't know which to marry.' 'No problem,' said Sean to the Englishman. 'I know you're not a Catholic but I think the church could help you. Call in tomorrow morning, kneel down and try a sincere prayer to God - that should do the trick.' Next morning Sean arrived to find Raymond with a beaming smile. 'It worked. It's a miracle,' Raymond enthused. 'I walked in, knelt down and there it was written in red across the altar cloth: AVE MARIA!'
One-liners - Deliberately Chosen to Give Variety and Surprise
- Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- War Dims Hope for Peace. (Newspaper headline)
- If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
- In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.'
- I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.
- Include your children when baking your cookies. (Newspaper leader)
- 'I hate music, especially when it's played.' - Jimmy Durante
Difficult LandingThe airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a - 'Thanks for flying XYZ airline'. An airline pilot on this particular flight hammered his plane into the runway really hard. In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the passengers in the eye, all the time he thought that a passenger would have a smart comment. However, it seemed that all the passengers were too shell shocked to say anything.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' Why no Ma'am,' said the pilot, 'What is it', the little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'
Divine Intervention'I'm in a terrible fix,' moaned Raymond. 'I'm in love with two girls and I don't know whether to propose to Wendy or Mary.' 'No problem,' said Sean to the Englishman. 'I know you're not a Catholic but I think the church could help you. Call in tomorrow morning, kneel down and try a sincere prayer to God - that should do the trick.' Next morning Sean arrived to find Raymond with a beaming smile. 'It worked. It's a miracle,' Raymond enthused. 'I walked in, knelt down and there it was written in red across the altar cloth: AVE MARIA!'
Out of the Mouths of Babes (So often these tales are a source of a wierd joke)A nursery school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to little Sarah who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. Sarah replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Sarah replied, 'They will in a minute' Footnote: Please write to Will and Guy with your Wierd Jokes.
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