Short Jokes for Thursday

You may well guess that Thursday is named after the Norse hero Thor.  The Romans regarded Thursday as Jupiter's
day, dies Jovis, the French Jeudi
could be a corruption of this Jupiter theme.

 Thursday Jokes

• Academic Jargon - Cut through to the real meaning
• Burger Stories - Giant Burgers
• Bus Driver and Drunk - True story
• Courtroom Stories  - True sayings from lawyers.
• Employee Evaluations - The real genuine information.
• Irish Humour - The Irish have a different slant on life.
• Little Old Lady -
  Sees off robber
• Maturity - Really?
• Peanuts - May contain nuts!
• Parrot and the Thief - Watch out for the dog.
• Thanksgiving Jokes - What are those turkeys doing?

Famous Thursdays

• Thanksgiving.
• Maundy Thursday (Day before Good Friday).
• Elections usually poll on a Thursday in the UK.
• National Day of Prayer -
  1st Thursday in May

Funny, Droll and Quirky Jokes for Thursday

Burglar Caught

Sarah woke Mark, her husband one night and said, 'There's a burglar in
the kitchen eating my home-made steak and kidney pie.'

'Oh dear:,' replied Mark. 'Who shall I call, police or ambulance?'

Shakespeare Country

A very large car screeched to a halt in the middle of a Warwickshire
village. The driver removed his cigar and called out to a local farmer,
'Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's birthplace?

'Straight ahead, sir,' said the farmer. 'But there b'aint no need to 'urry.
He's dead.'

Retouched Painting

Cindy decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, 'Paint
me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach,
and gold Rolex.'

'But you are not wearing any of those things,' Vincent replied.

'I know,' Cindy said. 'It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm
sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking
for the jewellery.'

Knock, knock

Who's there?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?

Never mind, it's pointless.

Is Your Thursday As Bad As This?

Funny True Happenings To Make You Laugh on Thursday

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000 USD. [£52,000GBP]. At a special ceremony, two of
the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from tree hugging onlookers. A minute later, in full
view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
A psychology student in
New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him
constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and
beat her repeatedly with an axe, leaving her mentally retarded.

In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world
flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from 'flu he came down eight hours short
of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left
him and his 'phone and electricity had been cut off.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically
with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric
kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him
with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.
Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs
to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of
them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two
hapless protesters to death.

There now. Your day's not so bad, is it?

Funny Psychiatrist

Stephanie went to a psychiatrist and said to him. '' want to ask you
about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator.'

'Well that's nothing to worry about,' said the psychiatrist. 'I would say
that's quite a harmless obsession.'

'Yes, but the thing is,' added Stephanie, 'he sleeps with his mouth open
and the little light keeps me awake at night.'

Sample Short Jokes - Honeymoon Joke

When visiting my wife's
home country of England on our honeymoon, we arrived at London's
Heathrow Airport. Geraldine headed for the British passport entry queue while I, an Australian, waited in the 'foreigners'
queue. When my turn came, the Immigration official asked me the purpose of my visit.'
Pleasure, 'I replied.'
I'm on my honeymoon.'

The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. 'That's very interesting, sir', he said as he stamped my passport. 'Most men bring their wives with them.'

The Irish Arrive - Classic Joke Genre

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.  An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.

'No', replied the Irishman. 'It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'
'That's terrible, how did that happen?'

'The cork fell out of me bottle'

Three Classic One-line Jokes

• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Manufacturer's
Notices - A good source of laughs.

On Boot's
Children Cough Medicine:

'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication'
.

On Nytol Sleep Aid:

'Warning: May cause drowsiness'
.

Quotes from Employee Performance Evaluations:

1. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I
would not allow this employee to breed.

3. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was
previously in there.

4. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

5. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Can You Believe It?

'The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police'.
U.S. Commerce Department spokesman
on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.

My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger. She asked the individual behind the counter for
'minimal lettuce'.
He said he was sorry, but they only
had iceberg.

Translations of Academic Jargon

'CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE'
...
Wrong.
Wrong. Wrong.

'ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS'
...
Rumour has it.

'A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS'
...
A really wild guess.

Chicago Newspaper Story

When two service station
attendants in Chicago, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police.  They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

Footnote:
Please send us your Thursday jokes.