The Secret of a Happy Marriage by R.Hynes of Mornington

Bad husbands are like bad coals - they smoke, they go out, and they don't
keep the pot boiling.

• Marriage article by R. Hynes
  of Mornington
• Hilarious
  Advice On How To Look After Your Husband
• The Secret of
  Marriage - Understanding men
• Marriage Makes You Fat - True
• Ogden Nash's Secret of
  Marriage
• More
  Secrets of a Happy Marriage: from the postbag
• Is This The Secret To
  A Happy Marriage?

The Secret of a Happy Marriage
From R.Hynes of Mornington

My wife and I have the secret to making the marriage
last...
Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship. She goes Tuesday and I go Friday. We sleep in separate beds, hers in Sydney and mine in Melbourne.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary, 'Somewhere I haven't been for a long time' she said. So I suggested
the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, an electric toaster and an electric bread maker. When she said that she had too many gadgets but nowhere to
sit down. I bought her an electric chair.

Remember that marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Ms. Right, I just didn't know
that her first name was ALWAYS.
I haven't spoken to her in 18 months now - I don't like to interrupt her.  The last time we had a fight, it was my fault.  She asked, 'What is on the TV?'  I said
'It looks like Dust'.

In the beginning; God created the earth and rested. Then God, created the man and rested. Then God created woman.  And since then neither God nor man has rested.

Original article - The Secret of a Happy Marriage by R.Hynes of Mornington.

Hilarious Advice On How To Look After Your Husband

This advice was allegedly in a Home Economics textbook.

Have his dinner ready. Plan the night before to have a delicious meal
ready for him on time. This will let him know that you've been thinking of
him and concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home
and the thought of a good meal is part of the warm welcome he needs.

Make yourself look nice. Take a 15 minutes rest so that you will be
refreshed when he arrives home. Touch up your make-up and put a pink ribbon
in your hair. Don't forget he has just been with a lot of work-weary people,
so he will need you to look fresh. Be gay and interesting, as his boring day
will need a lift.

Clear away the clutter around the house. Make one last trip through the
main part of the house just before your husband arrives home and gather up
school books, toys, paper, etc. Run a duster over the tables. Then, when he
arrives home, your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and
order. It will give you a lift too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash their hands and faces,
comb their hair and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little
treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimise all noise. As soon as he arrives home, turn off the washer,
dryer, dishwasher and vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy
to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and look glad to see him.

Don't greet him with problems and don't complain if he is late for
dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that
day. So make him comfortable. Have him lean back in his armchair or suggest
that he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool drink ready for him. Arrange
his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing
and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. Listen to him. You may
have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the
time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or other pleasant entertainment. Instead try to understand his world
of strain and pressure, his need to unwind and relax. Your goal is to try to
make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax in
body and spirit.

How to Understand Women!

The Secret of Marriage - Understanding
Men

• Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling a garage is not an option. I will win.
• Because I'm a man, when I catch a
  cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
• Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon
  to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
• Because I'm a man,
  when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other,
  'I used to be able to fix these
  things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of Holy Communion.
• Because I'm a man, when one of our
  appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
• Because I'm a man, I
  must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator
  instead (applies to engineers only).
• Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
  Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards
  ... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
• Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either
  pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine.. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we
  just go now?
• Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2011, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the
  rest; like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a tongue in cheek public service message from Will and Guy to
help women to better understand men.

A Secret of a Happy Marriage

Marriage Makes You Fat - True

Couples who marry or live together are more than twice as likely to
become obese than those who live apart, say scientists.

Will and Guy can inform you that a recent study, to be published in the
journal "Obesity", also showed that the risk of obesity rises the longer
people live together.

Penny Gordon-Larsen, associate professor of nutrition at the University
of North Carolina, USA, found some positive health benefits to marriage,
including decreased cigarette smoking and lower mortality, but she added,
'We also see greater weight gain than in others of the same age, and greater
risk of obesity. Maybe the cause of weight gain is not just age, but the
pressure of shifting behaviours that result in weight gain.'

She went on to tell us that people living together tended to eat meals
together, possibly cooking bigger meals or eating out more often than they
did when they were single. They were more likely to watch television
together instead of going to the gym or playing a sport.

So be warned.

Ogden Nash's Secret of Marriage

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.

Ogden Nash [1902-1971]

Secret of Marriage - Comic Poem

As an example of how some people viewed marriage in the 1850s, here is a
comic poem:
You know I'm very fond of the ladies,
I say bless those wives that fill our lives
With little bees and honey,
They ease life's shocks, they mend our socks -
But can't they spend the money?

Anon

More Secrets of a Happy Marriage: from the
Postbag:

Wife [whingeing]: You never speak to me anymore.

Husband: What? Only five minutes ago I told you to shut up.

Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage:

1. The woman always makes the rules
2. These rules are subject to change without notice
3. No man can possibly know all the rules
4. The woman is never wrong
5. If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding
   caused by something the man did or said
6. The man must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
7. The woman can change her mind at any time
8. The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
9. The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
10. At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.

The Secrets of a Long Marriage

An Hilarious Look at a Successful Italian Marriage

At St. Mark's Catholic Church in Weymouth, Massachusetts, USA, they hold
weekly husband's marriage seminars. These are always well attended.

At the session last week, the priest asked Cristiano, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share
some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all
those years.

Cristiano announced to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to
treata her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her
to Italy for the 25th anniversary.'

The priest responded, 'Cristiano, you are an amazing inspiration to all
the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for
your 50th
anniversary?'

Cristiano proudly replied, 'I'ma gonna go picka her up.'

As funny as that is, getting your wife great
anniversary gifts can show her how special she is to you.

Will and Guy's Marital Advice

The secret to a happy marriage for men is choosing a wife who is smarter
and at least five years younger than you, UK experts have suggested to Will
and Guy. These pairings are more likely to go the distance, particularly if
neither has been divorced in the past, according to researchers at Bath
University, England.

The work is published in the European Journal of Operational Research.
The researchers studied interviews of more than 1,500 couples who were
married or in a serious relationship.

Five years later, they followed up 1,000 of the couples to see which had
lasted.

They found that if the wife was five or more years older than her
husband, they were more than three times as likely to divorce than if they
were the same age. If the age gap is reversed, and the man is older than the
woman, the odds of marital bliss are higher.

Is This The Secret To A
Happy Marriage?

Two identical twin brothers have married two identical twin sisters in a
joint wedding ceremony in China. The two couples, from Binhai town, Jiansu,
China, look so much alike that members of their own family struggle to tell
them apart.

Footnotes:
Please send us your secret of a happy marriage.

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