Funny wisecracks that can enliven your day. Maybe you can work at
least one of these witticisms into a chat with your friends.
A Multi-lingual Slant On
Ways to maintain your insanity
When chemists die, technicians barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
How does Moses like his tea. Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned
on me ...
I am reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can't put it down.
Why did Indians get to America first.
They had reservations.
What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: 'Does
this taste funny to you?'
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that:You can't
kayak and heat it too.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
A jump-start cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't
'Doc, I can't
The Green, Green Grass of
Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
Is it common? 'Well, It's
The invisible man marries the invisible
woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
Two cows are standing next to each other in a
field. Daisy says to Ermentrude, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' I don't
believe you', says Ermentrude.'It's
true, no bull!'
'Deja Moo': The feeling that You've heard this bull before.
A Multi-lingual Slant On Silly Puns
These puns are from a New York magazine competition where competitors were asked to change one letter in a familiar non-English phrase and redefine it. These
multi-lingual puns were created by
Michael A. Alderete:
Harlez-vous francais? ..... Can you drive a French motorcycle?
Rigor morris ..... The cat is dead.
Repondez s'il vous plaid ..... Honk if you're Scots.
sera serf ..... Life is
Monage a trois ..... I am three years old.
Cogito eggo sum ..... I think; therefore, I am a waffle.
Haste cuisine ..... Fast French food.
Idios amigos ..... We're wild and crazy guys.
Le roi est
mort. Jive le roi ..... The king is dead. No kidding.
Posh mortem ..... Death styles of the rich and famous.
Pro bozo publico ..... Support your local clown.
Visa la france
..... Don't leave chateau without
Veni, vidi, vice ..... I came, I saw, I partied.
Please send us your silly puns.
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their
diversity. 'You are all part of our team now', said the HR rep during the welcoming
briefing. 'You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for
something to eat, but don't eat any employees.' The cannibals promised they
would not. Four weeks later the cannibal chief remarked, 'You're all working very hard
and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole
company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any
of you know what happened to her?' The cannibals all shook their heads. 'No.'
After the boss had left, the chief of the cannibals said to the others, 'Which
one of you idiots ate the secretary?' A hand rose hesitantly. 'You fool!' the leader raged. 'For four weeks we've
been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and
eat someone who actually does something.............
Will and Guy's
Recommendations on Further Ways to
Maintain Your Insanity:
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it: 'In box'.
Put Decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their
caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.
Don't use any punctuation.
Specify that your Drive-through Order is 'To Go'.
Go to a Poetry Recital and then ask why the poems don't rhyme?
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because
you're not in the mood.
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, 'Run for
your lives! They're loose!'
A Pastor Will and Guy Know
I can remember the first time I did some missionary work on an Indian
Reservation in the southwest of New Mexico. After we had built a couple of
homes and we were getting ready to leave I asked the Chief if there was
anything else we could do before we left. He asked if we could put in a
light along the path to the outhouse. After doing it and leaving for home I
realized that was the first time I had wired a head for a reservation.
and Guy's Favourite Top Ten Funny, But Silly Puns
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of
war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, 'I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it.''But I paid
a million dinars for it,' the King protested. 'Don't you know
who I am? I am the king!' Croesus replied, 'When you wish to pawn a
Star, makes no difference who you are.'
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately
destroyed in a fire, so we'll never know for whom the Tell's bowled.
A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, 'Doctor! I
think I'm shrinking.'The doctor calmly responded, 'Now, settle
down. You'll just have to be a little patient.'
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out
and trap some more.On the way back, he spied two lions asleep
on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls
across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Back in the 1800's, Tate's Watch Company of Waltham, Massachusetts
wanted to produce other products.Since they already made watch
cases, they used them to produce compasses, but the new compasses were
so erratic that people
often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than
California.This, of course, is the origin of the expression,
'He who has a Tate is lost.'
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
toilets, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, 'We have
absolutely nothing to go on.'
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long,
thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite
off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.After a
month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The
chief shrugged and said, 'The thong is ended, but the malady lingers
on.'(At first Guy could not get this, but
then I realised 'thong = song'.)
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to
the local civic official who apologised profusely saying, 'I must have
taken Leif off my census.'
There were three Indian squaws.One slept on a deerskin, one
slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All
three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one
who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.This goes to
prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the
squaws of the other two hides.
A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal *brujo who indicated that the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation.When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the
brujo looked him in the eye and said, 'Let me tell you, with fronds like
these, who needs enemas?'
* sorcerer or wizard The foregoing 10 puns were entered in a contest. With 10 entries, you
might figure one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. Kindly sent in by David Foley
Funny Wisecracks Kindly Sent by Shirley Willis
The midget fortune-teller, who escaped from prison, was a small
medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's
your count that votes.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Footnote: Please send us your silly puns!
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