Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert
is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. So we have clubbed together and bought Albert
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little
leaving speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I
had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen
money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's
wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I
had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'
Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and give his speech.
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession.'
See more Retirement Jokes
Tommy and his Dad
An old man lived alone in Armagh. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Tommy, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a
letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Dear Tommy, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't
be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, 'For Heaven's
SAKE, Dad, don't
dig up the garden! That's
where I buried the GUNS!'
At 6am, the next morning, a dozen security agents and local police officers showed up and dug up
the entire area without finding any guns. They apologised to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's
best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Tommy.
Care for Your Mother-in-law
A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, 'You can have her shipped home for
£5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.'
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?'
The man replied, 'a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't
take that chance.'
Ask your audience to suggest a caption!
Ideas for a caption:
"Hi, Can I interest you in our latest Bible magazines?..."
"Whaddyamean, you dropped the carkeys?"
"Your wife says, if you don't want to go to Wal-mart for the day,
you should so!"
"It cost me £15 to go up this mountain ... it's a bit steep, isn't
"Stop acting the goat and come down..."
[Cartoon and ideas kindly sent in by Perry Estelle]
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See more clean funny after dinner stories:
Supermarket Teacher •
Six Buna Curries •
Funny true story •
• Short after dinner
Funny websites •
Online stories •
An Englishman, Irishman ... •
Silly Bob •
Free short stories •
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