School Jokes

Here is Will and Guy's diverse collection of amusing excuses, schoolboy
howlers, and funny teachers' tales.


Funny School Jokes: Topics on This Page

  • Out of the Mouths of School
  • Touché
  • Teacher's Magnetism
  • What Happened to Jonah?
  • Dylan at the Supermarket

More Funny School Jokes on Other Pages

  • Back to School Jokes
  • Funny Excuse Notes
  • History Jokes
  • Resumés- Funny Job
  • Schoolboy Howlers
  • April Fool's
    Day Jokes
  • School Answering Phone
  • Teachers' Stories
  • More Teacher's Tales
  • Collection of Funny Children's Stories

Out of the Mouths of School Children.  Kindly sent in by Arthur Burley

It's mid-September and school has
been back for a while.  The children and their teachers are getting to know one another; here are some of their exchanges.

Maths Lesson

The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn't paying attention in class.  She called on her and said, 'Daphne!  What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Daphne quickly replied, 'ABC, CBS, HBO and
the Cartoon Network!'

Two Sunday School Funnies

1) Finding one of her pupils making faces at others on the playground,
Miss Barker, their teacher, stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, 'Tony, when I was a
child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would
stay like that.'

Tony looked up, smiled and replied, 'Well, Miss Barker, you can't say you
weren't warned.'

2) Miss Barker continued with the lesson and challenged her children to
take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to
bring their letter back the following Sunday.

Tony wrote, 'Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could
have been there.'


Will, when he taught French in Paulsgrove in England, used to write little
notes on pupil's translations.

He was working late one night, and as the hours passed, his handwriting

The next day a pupil approached Will at his desk with the translation he had
corrected. 'I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper, Sir.' said
the pupil.

Will took her paper, and after squinting at it for a minute, sheepishly
replied, 'It says that you need to write more legibly.'

Teacher's Magnetism

Mrs Mollard had been giving her second-grade students a lesson in

She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails
and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and Mrs Mollard asked, 'My
name begins with the letter "M" and I pick up things. What am I?'

Tim, a little boy in the front row proudly said, 'You're a mother!'

A Question of Physics

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated
concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

'Why do we have to learn this stuff?' one young man blurted out.

'To save lives,' the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. 'So how does physics save

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a
word. Finally the professor concluded, 'Physics saves lives,' he said,
'because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.'


A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was
a weapon of math disruption.


perfect school bag
can hold your paperwork, books, electronics and - jokes

What Happened to Jonah?

Jane was talking to Mrs Darby, her teacher, about whales.  Mrs Darby
said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

Jane girl stated quite clearly that the Bible says Jonah was swallowed by
a whale.

Irritated, Mrs Darby reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.

Finally, Jane murmured, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah, myself.'

Mrs Darby continued, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

Very smartly Jane replied, 'Then you can ask him.'

Frog in His Throat?

Miss Hewitt, was one of the teachers at Northern Infants, Normanton,
[kindergarten] when Philip came up to her and say that he had found a frog.
Miss Hewitt asked if the frog was alive or dead. Philip, aged 6, declared
that it was dead.

Miss Hewitt enquired as to how he could be so sure that it was dead.

Philip replied, 'I pissed in its ear.'

Flabbergasted, Miss Hewitt demanded, 'You what, Philip Brown?'

Philip added, 'You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it
didn't move. So it must be dead.'

Dylan at the Supermarket

Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand
and is giving him a big 'hello'

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can't
place where he might know her from, so he says, 'Sorry, do you know me?'

replies, 'I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children'

mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, 'Blimey!'
he says, 'Did
we meet on Frank's
stag do in Newport?  Dylan continued, 'When I got out of the police station and got back to the hotel room you had gone.'

No, 'she replies, 'I'm your son's
English Teacher'.

Stand up and be Counted

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up.  The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Examples of Funny School Jokes from Other Pages

Most Wanted

Little Ronnie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.  One of the youngsters pointed to
a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'

Little Ronnie asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you
took his picture?'

Caught with an
Axe in His Hand

Mr Harris, the 3rd grade teacher asked, 'George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Iris, do you know why his father didn't punish him?'

Iris replied, 'Because George
still had the axe in his hand?'

See More Funny Teachers' Stories


One day before school, Little Susie watched, fascinated, as her mother
smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' she asked.  'To make myself beautiful,' said her mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter?' asked
Little Susie. 'Are you giving up?'

Moira was struggling to get the tomato ketchup out of the bottle. As she
was trying the phone rang and her 4 year old daughter, Louise, answered it
saying, 'Sorry, mummy can't come to the phone at the moment because she's
hitting the bottle.'

Funny School Excuses

  • Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's
  • Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  •  See more funny school

Teachers' Tales

Maggie, [Will's sister] was an infant school teacher, and on her
first day with the reception class [1st graders] at Northern Primary,
Portchester, a little girl gave her a note which said: 'The opinions
expressed by this child are not necessarily those of her parents.'

Paul, while working for 'meals-on-wheels', an organisation that delivers
lunches to the elderly, Paul used to take his 4-year-old daughter, Lois,
with him on his afternoon rounds. Lois was unfailingly intrigued by the
various appliances of old age, particularly the walking sticks,
triangular walkers and the wheelchairs. One day Paul found Lois staring
at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As he prepared himself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, Lois merely turned and whispered, 'The
tooth fairy is never going to believe this.'

Schoolboy Howlers

Laugh along with these actual answers to questions on science tests by
5th and 6th graders:

  • The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the
    top, and you sit on the bottom.
  • The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.
  • The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
  • Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
  • Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I
    never have been able to make out the numbers.
  • One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
  • A monsoon is a French gentleman.
  • The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at
    the top and plural at the bottom.
  • Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
  • To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
  • See more Schoolboy

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See more funny school jokes, schoolboy howlers and
teacher's tales:

Funny school jokes   •
Teachers' stories    •
More teachers tales   •
Funny excuse notes


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