Collection of funny phone jokes. Amusing telephone calls

When your in the bath and the phone rings, it's invariably the wrong number.

Funny Phone Jokes on This Page

• Phone Story as told to Will by his friend, 'Shaky'
• Guy's Funniest Phone Joke
• Funny Telephone Operator Tales
• Actual Amusing Answer Machine Recordings

Spreading jokes via the amazing Galaxy S Duos mobile phone is screen-touch smooth and easy - just use compatible earphone plugs for privacy.

Phone Story As Told to Will by His friend, 'Shaky', in the Pub

Shaky rushes in and announces loudly, 'I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was this woman in a BMW doing at least 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her mascara. I looked away for a couple seconds and then the next thing I knew was she was careering all over my lane. It scared me so badly that I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my mobile 'phone.'

Fast Phone Service

Ian Bell, a lorry driver, who had never owned a cell-phone, was a frequent user of the pay telephone at Weybridge Café, in Brooklands Road, and was greatly inconvenienced when the 'phone broke down. He made repeated requests for it to be repaired but sadly the telephone company only made promises. After several days, Ian, decided to contact the phone company again and told them that there was no longer any hurry to repair the box. He added that the 'phone was now working fine, concluding with 'except that all money was being returned to callers upon completion of each call.' A repairman arrived within the hour.

Guy's Funniest Phone Joke

The telephone rang in the stately home of Lord Armstrong in North Yorkshire, England and his butler answered the call. 'It's me. Please go to my wife's bedroom and tell her that I'll be home late from the club.' I'm sorry, Milord, her ladyship is already asleep.' 'Then wake her and tell her, while I hold the 'phone,' the caller demanded. 'Yes, Sir,' the butler replied. The butler returned and said, 'My Lord, her ladyship's door was locked, and when I knocked, a man's voice told me to go hell.' The caller then ordered gruffly, 'Damn them! Get a rifle from my collection, break down the door, and shoot them both.' 'Yes, Sir,' the butler responded. A few minutes later, the butler returned to the 'phone and reported, 'My Lord, I tried my best. I killed your wife, but as I was about to shoot the man, he jumped through the window and into the garden, and ran away.' The confused caller then said, 'Eh, what garden? There's no garden next to my bedroom window.' 'In that case, Sir, I am afraid you dialled a wrong number.  Good day.'

Happy Birthday

Martin and Mary phoned Tim, an acquaintance, to give their birthday greetings. They dialled the number and then sang 'Happy Birthday' together to him. When they had completed their terribly off-key rendition, they discovered that they had 'phoned the wrong number. 'Don't let it bother you,' said a strange but very amused voice. 'You folks obviously need all the practice you can get.'

Woven in Scotland.

Cecily phoned directory enquiries and asked for the knitwear company in Woven. The operator asked, 'Woven? Are you sure? There's no knitwear company that I can find.' 'Yes,' Cecily firmly responded, 'That's what it says on the label of my jersey - "Woven in Scotland".' Footnote: Reports are that Woven in Scotland has been twinned with Maid in Korea

Funny Telephone Operator Tales

Will and Guy know a lady who works in Directory Enquiries in England and these are a few of the calls she receives, sometimes more than once:

1. 'I'd like the number for Windsor Safari Park, please.' 'I'm sorry, madam, but it closed down in 1992.' 'It can't have, I took my grandchildren there last year.'
2. 'Give me the number for Middlesex County Council.' 'Sorry, sir, but the council was abolished in the mid-70's.'
3. 'Can I have a Chinese please?' 'Which town please?' 'This one, of course'.

Wrong Number?

Very early one morning the 'phone rang at Barry's house, it was 3am. He picked up the phone and a woman bellowed into his ear, 'Is this 2983645?' 'No, I'm sorry, this is 2983642,' Barry answered, surprisingly calmly. 'Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you then,' the woman said. 'That's alright,' Barry murmured, 'I had to get up to answer the 'phone anyway.'

Right Number?

Jerry was deeply in love with Myra, but couldn't pluck up enough courage to 'pop the question' face to face.  So Jerry decided to ask her on the telephone. 'Darling,' he blurted out, 'will you marry me?' 'Of course, I will, you silly boy,' Myra replied, 'but first, who's calling please?'

Hilarious Telephone Story

Will found this tale on a website entitledCallcentrevoice, a site created by Brent Preece, and it is included here because it is so funny. This story was related by Pat Routledge of Winnepeg, Ontario, Canada about an unusual telephone service call he handled while living in England. It is common practice in England for the telephone company to signal a telephone subscriber [ring the phone] by applying 90 volts between one side of the two wire circuit and ground (called "earth" in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, the phone switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. [This method has changed since this was written - Will and Guy] This particular subscriber, an elderly lady with several pets, called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did manage to ring her dog always barked first. Torn between curiosity to see this psychic dog and a realization that standard service techniques might not suffice in this case, Pat proceeded to the scene. Climbing a nearby telephone pole and hooking in his test set, he dialled the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, Pat found: a) Dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar. b) Dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current. c) After several jolts, the dog was urinating on ground and barking. d) Wet ground now conducted - and the phone rang.

Actual Amusing Answer Machine Recordings

1. A is for academics, B is for beer.  One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
2. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need block-paving, windows, nor a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they may get back to you.
3. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
4. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
5. Hi this is Sonya. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Please leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.
6. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
7. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?  Leave a message and I'll get back to you.
8. We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!

Here are Snippets take from our other pages of funny phone jokes

True Phone Calls to the Emergency Services  [911 in USA or 999 in UK]

Caller One - Wrong number? Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. Caller Three - Wrong order? It may have seemed like an emergency at the time, but an inebriated man from Hebron, Connecticut, USA, is now regretting his call to 911. The 35 year old man was arrested when Police reported that he called 911 numerous times and told the dispatcher he was out of beer and asked them to pick up more for him.  He was arrested for disorderly conduct and will appear in court soon.

Funny Long Distance Phone Call

Solar-powered payphone in Lake Victoria, Uganda

Unfunny Phone Call

A man in Hamburg, Germany kept getting phoned, but when he picked up the receiver there was no-one on the other end of the phone.  To begin with he paid the phone company to block the number. However, it was expensive just to stop one nuisance call, so he phoned the police. The police soon tracked the calls to a barber's shop.  What happened was that every time someone paid for the haircut by credit card, the credit card machine erroneously dialled the wrong number.  What Will and Guy cannot understand is why nobody at the barber's or the credit card company noticed the problem. Fortunately, there was a happy outcome and the barber's credit card phone was re-programmed.

Hate Calls?

Important Phone Fixed

Having just moved into his new office in Whitehall, pompous, newly promoted Lieutenant Commander Rodney Grant [Royal Navy] was sitting at his desk when Leading Seaman Jones knocked on his door. Particularly aware of his new position, the commander quickly picked up the phone, told the seaman to enter, then said into the phone, 'Yes, Admiral, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.' Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed young Jones man, he asked, 'What do you want?' 'Nothing important, sir,' Jones replied without batting an eyelid, 'I'm just here to connect up your new telephone.'

School Answering Machine - Joke or True?

This is the message that a School staff in the Worcester area voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and Parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children's failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.

The Message:

'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.  In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

• To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
• To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2
• To complain about what we do - Press 3
• To swear at staff members - Press 4
• To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several letters posted to you - Press 5
• If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6
• If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
• To complain about school lunches - Press 8
• To complain about bus transport - Press 9

LASTLY: If you realize this is the real world, and your child must be accountable and responsible for their own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a really wonderful day!

Funny Phone Joke

Amusing Tech Support Phone Calls

Advisor: 'Press any key to continue. Customer: I can't find the 'Any' key. Customer: 'My disk ran out of space when trying to save my Word document, so I changed it from double spaced to single spaced and it still wouldn't fit!' 3) Advisor: You have Spyware on your machine which is causing the problem. Customer: Spyware?  Can they see me getting dressed through the monitor? 4) Tech Support: 'Have you made backups of your software and data?' Customer: 'I didn't know it had a reverse.' Footnote: Please send us your funny phone jokes