The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent. Hugh Leonard
Please think of this page as a sitemap for St Patrick's Day jokes, and funny Irish stories.
- Classic St Patrick's Day Jokes
- Funniest Irish Jokes
- Clean Irish Jokes
- Good Irish Jokes
- Best Irish Jokes for St Patrick's Day
- Even More Irish Jokes
- St Patrick's Day Quotes
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk!Amusing Irish Tales
- Funny Irish Stories
- Short Irish Stories
- Irish Drinking Stories
- St Patrick's Day Toasts and Blessings
- Murphy's Law
- St Patrick's Day - Funny Pictures
- Irish Logic
- Leprechaun Pictures
- Funny Notices in Dublin Buses
- Other Buses
- St Patrick's Day - Video
When is Saint Patrick's Day?March 17th. St Patrick's Day falls on a Saturday in 2012.
Mary and the PriestCresley Irwin goes up to Father O'Reilly after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Cresley my dear?"She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Cresley, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"She says, "That he did, Father ..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Cresley?"She says, "He said, "Please Cresley, put down that damn gun."
The MarriageDeclan had asked Cormac for the hand of his daughter in wedlock.'And can you support a family?' asked Cormac. 'I think so,' replied Declan.'Well. There are six of us, you know,' said the future father-in-law.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk.
Letter to America from IrelandDear Thomas,Your father has a new job, with 2,000 people under him. He's a gardener at the local cemetery.Since I last wrote I have had all my teeth out and a new cooker put in. I was going to send you a turkey but it got better.I sent you a coat in the post. When the post office weighed it they said I'd have to pay extra for the buttons because they were so heavy. So I cut the buttons off. You'll find them in the top pocket.We've had a threatening letter from the undertaker. Unless we pay the outstanding money for your grandma's funeral by Wednesday - up she comes.I must close now. I would have enclosed some money, but I'd already sealed the envelope.A team of council workers were drilling nearby and accidentally cut through the drains to the house. Since then there's been a terrible smell from your loving mother,Siobhan.
An Irishman in ParisIt's revolutionary France 1789; Paris is in turmoil and three spies from across the channel are about to be guillotined.'Do you want to be beheaded on your back or your front?' the executioner asked Baldwin.'On my back,' said Baldwin. 'I'm not afraid of death.'So Baldwin was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner pulled the lever. Schtuck......and the blade jammed. Baldwin was reprieved because no man can be sentenced to death twice.Cameron was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed, and Cameron was reprieved.Patrick Murphy was third. 'Back or front?''If it's good enough for Baldwin and Cameron, it's good enough for me,' and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade.'Begorrah,' Patrick said. 'Wait justa minute. To be sure, I think I can see why it jams.'
O'Malley's Wife Goes ShoppingMaggie O'Malley was off to Dublin to do her shopping. 'Be careful,' said Mary McGee. Those Dublin stores charge far more than you'd pay here in Sligo. They always double the price. So when you get there only offer them half.''I will,' said Maggie, and indeed she did. 'The green dress in the window,' she said. 'It's priced at £40. That's much too dear!' 'Madam,' said the salesman, 'believe me it is a very reasonable price.''Don't give me that,' said Maggie. 'I know your kind, you're all robbers of the worst kind - I'll give you £20 for the dress.' 'Look, Madam,' said the salesman. 'I don't want a scene. If you calm down, I'll let you have the dress for £20.''In that case,' bellowed Maggie to a gathering crowd, 'I'll give you £10 for it.' 'Madam, please,' begged the salesman, 'I don't want to sully our reputation. If it'll make you go away you can have it for £10.''In that case I'll give you £5,' said Maggie. 'Madam, you're driving me nuts. To get rid of you, please take the dress for nothing.''In that case,' said Maggie, 'I want two!'
Whitewashing the Shed'I'm thinking of whitewashing the shed,' said Finnegan to the barman Michael McGee. 'What colour were you thinking of whitewashing it?' asked McGee.'Well, I was thinking of whitewashing it green,' mused Finnegan. 'But I'm not sure if I can spare the time.''Why don't you let my lad do it for you,' suggested Mick. 'He'll whitewash it any colour you like. He won't charge you a penny and it'll be a few quid for the boy as well!'
St Patrick's Day Costume Goes MissingWill and Guy have discovered that a 6 foot tall costume in the shape of pint of Guinness has gone missing from Eastpointe, near to Detroit in the USA.This excessively large green pint worth about £6,200 [$3,000 USD] and originally from Ireland, appears to have been stolen in order for the crooks to use it on their 17th March - St Patrick's Day celebrations.Will and Guy fail to believe that the robbers will get away with it as it is so easily recognisable.
What's in the Name of Patrick?On St Patrick's day, 17th March 2008, over 1,000 Patricks and Patricias gathered in Trafalgar square. The point of the gathering was to raise awareness that Patrick as a name may die out in a few generations. If you look at a list of the top 300 names for babies, Patrick is not there. Irish chef Paul 'Paddy' Rankin, organized the event to raise awareness of the demise of the name Patrick.As a sign of the times, the current record for the most people with the same name stands at 1,096 Mohammeds. The organizers claimed that Patricks broke the record on 17th March 2008. Will and Guy wonder who checks the birth certificates? Also does it count if Patrick is your second or third Christian name?
About St PatrickLegend has it that St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. It is also claimed that he had a way with words, and used the three leaves of the Shamrock to explain the Trinity of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.Question: does March 17th commemorate St Patrick's birth or his death, clue the Irish love their wakes. Answer, St Patrick died on March 17th 461 AD.It often happens that there are not many Irishman celebrating St Patrick's day in Ireland. The reason is simple they will all be at Cheltenham Festival for the racing craic.Incidentally, the first celebration of St Patrick's day in America was 1737 in Boston.
Celtic BlessingMay the road rise up to meet you May the wind be always at your back May the sun shine down upon your face. And the rain fall soft upon your fields Until we meet againMay God hold you in the hollow of his hand
Flying to Dublin'Hello, Aer Lingus?' said Paddy Murphy, 'Could ye be tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?' .The voice on the telephone said, 'I'll see sir, just a minute.''Ahh, 'tis fast. Thank ye', Paddy said as he hung up.Siobhan followed her husband to the public house, 'How can you come here', she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, 'and drink that awful stuff?' .'Now!' he cried, 'And you always thought I was out enjoying meself.'
JudgementThe local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of twenty euros costs.'Now don't let me ever see your face again, 'said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.'I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir, 'said the released man.'And why not?''Because I'm the barman at your regular pub.'
You Can't Believe Everything You Read In The PapersDermot McCann opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly 'phoned his best friend Reilly.'Did ye see the paper?' asked Dermot. 'They say I died.' 'Yes, I saw it.' replied Reilly. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
No Hiding PlaceWalking into the bar, Shamus said to O'Heir the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.''O, bejabbers,' said O'Heir, 'And how did this one end?''Hah, when it was over,' Shamus replied, 'she came to me on her hands and knees.''Really?' cried O'Heir, 'now that's a switch! What did she say?'She said, 'Come out from under the bed, Shamus, you little chicken.'
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