Regarding the England match against Argentina; it is being said that Jonny Wilkinson is passed his best because he missed more penalties than the England football team.

• New Zealand Scrum Practice
• All Blacks -v- England
• Welsh Rugby World Cup Joke
• Quotations from the Rugby World Cup
• Welsh Rugby Jokes

Clean, Funny, Hilarious, Irreverent Rugby World Cup Humour

Celebrate the 2011 World Cup with Funny Jokes and Stories from Will and Guy

New Zealand -v- Australia 23rd October 2011

A New Zealand fan was watching the Rugby World Cup final.  In the packed Eden Park stadium, there was only one empty seat - right next to him. 'Who does that seat belong to?' asked Shaun from the row behind. 'I got the ticket for my wife,' replied Patrick. 'But why isn't she here on this special occasion?' 'I'm afraid she died in an accident.' 'So you're keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect,' said Shaun. 'No,' said Patrick, 'I offered it to all of my friends.' 'So why didn't they take it,' asked a puzzled Shaun. 'They've all gone to her funeral.'

The Pope and British Rugby Fans

The Pope was cruising along the beach near Christchurch in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off-shore. A helpless man, wearing an English rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 30 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Welsh, Irish and Scottish rugby jerseys.  The Scotsman quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the hapless English fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned all three to see him, 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatred between the Celts and England rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.' As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his mates, 'Who was that?' 'It was the Pope,' one replied. 'He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom.' 'Well,' the harpooner said, 'he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK? Or do we need to get another Englishman?'

All Blacks -v- England

The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own. 'No worries,' Jonah told them, 'I'll join you later and tell you what happened.' After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his team mates the final score: 95-3. 'What!" exclaimed a furious Michael Jones. 'How did you let them get three points?' Jonah replied apologetically, 'I was sent off with 10 minutes to go.'

The Rugby Referee

Craig Joubert, the rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If he could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in. ''Well,' said Mr Joubert, 'I was controlling a game between New Zealand and England in the World Cup Quarter-Final.' England were two points ahead with a minute to go.  Chris Ashton made a break, passed inside to Johnny Wilkinson.   We was driven on by his forwards, before he passed out to Mike Tindall who went over in the corner. But Tindall dropped the ball before he could ground it.  As England were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had got it down and awarded the try without calling for the video ref.' 'OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book,' said Peter, before disappearing to look it up.  When he came back he said, 'Sorry, there's no record of this.  Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?' Craig Joubert looked at his watch and replied, 'Forty-five seconds ago at the West Stand end.'

A Quick Guide on How to Understand New Zealanders

• Min - Male of our species.  As in Irish min.
• Inner me - Enemy.  For example, Australia are the inner me.
• Sucks - Six.
• Tin - Ten.  Thus a likely scoreline: Argentina tin, England sucks.

Build a New Zillund Sentence

• Ear roebucks - Aerobics
• Bull - Bill
• Fear hear - Blonde!
• That fear heard Bull is doing his ear roebucks.
• See more on how to speak New Zealand.

Rugby Support in NZ

The family of Auckland Blues Rugby supporters head out shopping one Saturday before Christmas. While they were in a sport's shop, the son picks up a Crusaders rugby jersey and says to his sister, 'I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas.' The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, 'Go talk to your mother.'  Off goes the little lad, with Crusaders jersey in hand and finds his mother. 'Mum ?' 'Yes son?' 'I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas.' The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, 'Go talk to your father.' Off he goes with the Crusaders jersey in hand and finds his father, 'Dad?' 'Yes son?' 'I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I would like this jersey for Christmas.' The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, 'No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!' About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, 'Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson today?' The son turns to his father and says, 'Yes, Father, I have.' Father says, 'Good son, and what is it?' The son replies, 'I've only been a Crusaders supporter for an hour and already I hate you Auckland b*****ds.'

Rugby Heaven

During a South Africa v Australia match at Newlands Stadium lightning storm hit Capetown and a bolt was conducted through the towers to the touch line. In a tragic accident coaches, Robbie Deans of the Wallabies and Peter de Villiers of the Springboks were killed. They were taken straight to heaven where they were warmly greeted by the Almighty. After a while, Robbie was taken to his new accommodation. He was pleased to find a lovely Aussie-style cottage with statues outside in the form of Aussie rugby greats. As a constant background he could hear the sweet voices of angels singing "Go Wallabies Go" and "Waltzing Matilda." Robbie was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top of the hill.  He listened closer and could hear "Nkosi sikelel' iAfrika.' Robbie looked up the hill to see a great palace with statues outside of Francois Piennar, Victor Matfield, and John Smit. A party was taking place in the garden with Castle ales flowing freely as the crowd watched Bryan Habana scoring another great try at Newlands.' Robbie went to the Lord and said, 'Look, I don't want to appear ungrateful - my cottage is great, but why does Peter get the huge mansion?' God broke into a laugh as he replied, 'Robbie, you've got it all wrong. That's not Peter's place - it's mine.' See a modern insight into the rugby world cup 2011.

Welsh Rugby World Cup Joke

Snow White was returning from Merthyr to the cottage in the woods where she lived with the 7 dwarfs.  In the distance she could see black smoke, then as she got nearer she realized that their cottage had burnt down. Frantically, Snow White searched amongst the trees for the dwarfs, then she heard a lone voice saying, 'Wales for the World Cup, Wales for the Rugby World Cup, Wales for the New Zealand World Cup. On hearing these chants, Snow White gave a little sigh of relief - she knew that at least Dopey was safe.

Quotations from the Rugby World Cup and other Important Occasions

Some of these quotes are from the Rugby World Cup, others are by famous internationals.

1. Remember that rugby is a team game; all 14 of you make sure you pass the ball to Jonah.  FAX to the New Zealanders before the 1995 World Cup semi-final.
2. 'There's no doubt about it, he's a big b****rd,' Gavin Hastings, master of the obvious, on Jonah Lomu.
3. We're going to tear those boys apart.  Message stuck-up on the changing room wall by England captain Will Carling before his team faced the All Blacks in the 1995 World Cup semi-final.  It took all of 90 seconds for New Zealand to score their first try as they demolished England 45-29.
4. I think Brian Moore's gnashers [teeth] are the kind you get from a DIY shop and hammer in yourself.  He is the only player we have who looks like a French forward.  England prop Paul Rendall on his front row colleague.
5. If you can't take a punch, you should play table tennis.  French coach Pierre Berbizier illustrates his nation's attitude to on-pitch violence.
6. You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late. Welsh hard-man Ray Gravell explains his rugby philosophy.
7. I played ten injury-free years between the ages of 12 and 22. Then, suddenly, it seemed like I was allergic to the twentieth century.  Former England scrum-half Nigel Melville who spent most of the 1980s injured.
8. Don't ask me about emotions in the Welsh dressing room.  I'm someone who cries when he watches "Little House on the Prairie". Former Welsh second row Bob Norster remembers that special Dragons' atmosphere.
9. The relationship between the Welsh and the English is based on trust and understanding.  They don't trust us and we don't understand them.  Former RFU supremo Dudley Wood on Anglo-Welsh relations.
10. 'A player of ours has been proven guilty of biting. That's a scar that will never heal'. Bath coach Andy Robinson said after his prop Kevin Yates was suspended for taking a chunk out of an opposing flanker's ear.

Some Clean, Funny, Rugby Shorts

• Rugby is a good occasion for keeping thirty bullies far from the centre of the city. - Oscar Wilde
• I'm still an amateur, of course, but I became rugby's first millionaire five years ago. - David Campese [1991]
• On playing for Wales at Lansdowne Road, Dublin: I didn't know what was going on at the start in the swirling wind. The flags were all pointing in different directions and I thought the Irish had starched them just to fool us. - Mike Watkins [1984]
• On Jonah Lomu: I've seen a lot people like him, but they weren't playing on the wing.- Colin Meads [1995].
• Ray Gravell Eats Soft Centres. - Banner seen at Cardiff Arms Park.

World Cup Rugby Nicknames

Will and Guy have been debating the dearth of players' nicknames.  Is it just two old-timers with selective memory, or are there really fewer nicknames today?  Could it be that a combination of teams not drinking together, coupled with a fear of being labelled *xyz_ist have surpressed nicknames?  Please prove us wrong and send us interesting nickames of modern players. * Where xyz could be race, age, or other form of discrimination. Good nicknames from previous World cups

• Chariots - Martin Offiah
• Squeaky - Rob Andrew
• Le Pit-Bull - Brian Moore (Now a commentator)

Present Day Examples

• Shrek - Steve Thompson
• Wellies - Stephen Jones

International Rugby Team Nicknames

The situation with International nicknames is different, it seems that every nation has at least one shortened name to fire up its fans, and to increase the commentators vocabulary.

• Argentina: Los Pumas
• Australia: The Wallabies
• Canada: Canucks or Maple Leafs
• Fiji: Bati [The Warriors] Sometimes referred to as The Flying Fijians
• France: Les Bleus or sometimes Les Tricolores
• Georgia: The Lelos [The team's nickname comes from 'lelo burti', a traditional Georgian sport with strong similarities to rugby]
• Italy: Azzurri, The Gladiators of Rome
• Japan: The Cherry Blossoms or The Brave Blossoms
• Namibia: The Welwitschias [a desert flower]
• New Zealand: The All Blacks
• Romania: The Oaks
• Samoa: Manu Samoa
• South Africa: The Springboks
• Tonga: Ikale Tahi [Sea Eagles]
• USA: The Eagles
• Wales: Dragons

Countries that appear not to have real nicknames: England, Scotland, Ireland.  Perhaps you know better? Will has heard England referred to as "The Red and Whites" but it is not a common nickname. Scotland is known in some quarters as "Rob Roy's Army". The "Tartan Army" tends to refer to the Football team. Ireland may be called "Paddy's Army"

Embrace the New Zealand Culture

The owner of a bar in Wanaka is holding a competition to find the 'perfect woman', the prize is $NZ 1,000 and tickets for a rugby game. Amongst the tasks the candidates will be expected to undertake are:

• Reverse a trailer load of manure.
• Change a car tyre.
• Clear a pool table.
• Darn a sock.
• Lift a ram, and hold it for shearing.