Funny Retirement Stories on This Page
- Same Class?
- Funny Old Goat
- Aging Problems
- A Wise Old Bird
- Golf Retirement Stories
- A Confession (Brilliant Retirement Speech)
- What's Important When Retired?
- Lost in his own back yard?
- Funny Retirement Quotes
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∇Retirement Jokes and Similar Humour on Other Pages
- Retirement Jokes and Tales
- Retirement Sayings and Quotes
- Retirement Speeches
- Farewell Speeches
- Senior Moments
- Wedding Speech Jokes
- Silly Bob - Retirement Story
- Religious Stories
- Love Stories
- Children's Stories
- Philosophy of Old Age
- Secret of Getting Old (PPT)
- Wisdom
Same Class?
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate hanging on the wall; it gave his full name. Thinking hard, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 36 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. 'Yes,' he replied. 'When did you graduate?' I asked. He answered, 'In 1971. Why?' 'You were in my class!' I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then the thoughtless idiot asked, 'What did you teach?'Funny Old Goat
A group of Americans was travelling on a bus tour through France and were
in the Loire Valley quite near to the town of Sancerre. They stopped at the
nearby village of Chavignol and visited a cheese farm where the world famous
'Crottin de Chavignol' goat's cheese is made; their guide, who was the
farmer's wife, led them through a process of cheese making, explaining how
goat's milk was used.
Madame showed the group a picturesque hillside where many goats were
grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produced. Madame then asked, turning to the group,
'What do you do in the USA with your old goats that aren't producing?'
One spry and very quick elderly gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus
tours.'
Footnote:
It's strange how one funny story reminds
you of another. And that is why we have included the next yarn, even
though it has nothing to do with retirement.
See more funny goat stories.
Veteran's Bus Tour
The veteran's football team was being driven through Dublin in an open-top bus. The driver was giving a running commentary as they toured the city. 'We are just passing the biggest pub in Ireland', said the driver. A voice piped up from the back of the bus piped up. 'Why?'Aging Problems
Visiting Doctor Ross last month Paula, a long retired schoolteacher,
explained in some detail her problems while he listened very patiently.
'Now, Paula,' said Doctor Ross, 'you say you have shooting pains in your
neck, aching knees, frequent dizzy spells, and constant nausea. Just for the
record, how old are you?'
'Ah, yes,' Paula spoke brightly, 'I'll be 49 on my next birthday.'
'Really?' commented the doctor quietly, 'I see you have slight
memory loss, too.'
A Wise Old Bird
High in the Himalayan mountains lived a wise old man. Periodically, he ventured down into the local village to entertain the villagers with his special knowledge and talents. One of his skills was to 'psychically' tell the villagers the contents in their pockets, boxes, or minds. A few young boys from the village, decided to play a joke on the wise old man and discredit his special abilities. One boy came up with the idea to capture a bird and hide it in his hands. He knew of course, the wise old man would know the object in his hands was a bird. The boy devised a plan. Knowing the wise old man would correctly state the object in his hands was a bird, the boy would ask the old man if the bird was dead or alive. If the wise man said the bird was alive, the boy would crush the bird in his hands, so that when he opened his hands the bird would be dead; if the wise man said the bird was dead, the boy would open his hands and let the bird fly free. So no matter what the old man said, the boy would prove the old man a fraud. The following week, the wise old man came down from the mountain into the village. The boy quickly caught a bird and cupping it out of sight in his hands, walked up to the wise old man and asked, 'Old man, old man, what is it that I have in my hands?' The wise old man said, 'You have a bird,' and he was right. The boy then asked, 'Old man, old man tell me, is the bird alive or is it dead?' The wise old man looked at the boy and said, 'The bird is as you choose it.' And so it is with your life.A Confession - Funny Retirement Speech
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little leaving speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.' Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech. 'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, 'said the politician.' In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession.'Golf Retirement Stories
For many one of the attractions of retirement is to play endless leisurely games of golf. For Will and Guy, golf and retirement represent a great opportunity for funny yarns.Retire from Golf? - Classic Retirement Joke
'How was your game, dear?' Jacqui asked her husband, Tony, after he had returned from playing golf.
'Well, I was hitting the ball pretty well, but my eyesight's got so bad I
couldn't see where it went,' Tony answered.
'That's not surprising,' Jacqui replied. 'After all, you are 76 years old, Tony. Why don't you take my brother Stewart along?'
'Because he's 87 and
doesn't play golf anymore,' Tony commented dryly.
'I know, but he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch the ball for you.' Jacqui added.
The next day Tony teed off with Stewart looking on.
Tony swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
'Can you see it?' demanded Tony.
'Yeah,' Stewart said smiling.
'Well, where is it?' Tony asked, peering off into the
distance in search of the ball that was now out of his eyesight range.
'I forget.' mumbled Stewart. See more Golf Jokes here
More Short Retirement Stories
How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it might
take him all day.
['How true,' says Will's son. 'Can't think what he means,' says Will.]
