From what I have seen, clean pope jokes are far
funnier than the smutty offerings. Let us see if you agree, check out this is a great collection of papal humour.
- The Pope-mobile
Causes a Stir in Germany
- What Does the Pope Drink?
Funny Short and Rather Irreligious Jokes About The Pope
- The Pope Meets Rugby Fans
Keep the Pope off the moon! - Spike Milligan
In 2011 Pope Benedict the XV1 made an emotional trip to his homeland
Germany. The papal flight touched down at Berlin's Brandenburg
Airport. After lugging all of Pope Benedict's bags into the limo,
Herman the driver, notices that the Pope is still standing on the pavement.
Pardon me, Your Holiness,' says Herman, 'Would you please take your seat
so we can get to the Olympic Stadium in time?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at
the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive for old
time's sake now I am back in Germany.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
'But who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets into the rear seat as the Pope climbs in
behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision because after
exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to over
'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope
keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear police sirens.
Duly the Pope pulls over and winds-down the window. The Autobahnpolizei approaches the pope-mobile, takes one look inside, goes back
to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to Chief Rhode,' he says to the dispatcher.
Chief Otto Rhode gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's
stopped a limo doing 200 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that, he's
really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really
important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, mayor Klaus Wowereit?'
Chief: 'A member of parliament?'
Chief: 'The Chancellor of Germany?'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Autobahnpolizei: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled
and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Autobahnpolizei: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
Seamus and Michael, two boyos from County Clare, Ireland went on holiday
to Rome. After a quick look around the Vatican they made for the
nearest bar. Seamus asked the barman for two pints of heavy'.
'Heeavyy, we don't stock that', said the barman.
Michael chipped in, 'We've just seen where the Pope lives, what does he
The barman sensing a sale after all says, 'he likes a glass of Crème de
Menthe whenever he drinks here'.
'That'll do us', says Seamus, 'gives us two pints of that, then'.
Two large glasses of Crème de Menthe duly arrive.
'What do you think? Michael asks his drinking companion 'It's a bit like
drinking Polar Mints', his companion replies.
'Ah well, who cares. Another two pints of Crème de Menthe please.' Michael says to the
They wake up in the morning, in a terrible state. Sometime later
Seamus ponders, 'They say the Pope drinks that green stuff, no wonder they
carry him around in a chair.'
- President Bush is going to visit the Vatican. He says he's looking
forward to meeting the Pope and Mrs Pope.
- Did you hear about this? The Pope was getting on the flight in Rome,
and he was almost not allowed on the aircraft because he tried to bring
on more than three ounces of holy water.'
- In a statement released this week, Pope Benedict said that he has
forgiven the Beatles for John Lennon's claim that they were bigger than
Jesus and for their Rock and Roll excesses - in the clearest sign yet
that the Vatican is working from the bottom of the complaint box.
- It's exciting to be here now because you know what's going to
happen? The Pope is coming to New York City. Can you feel the
excitement? He arrived earlier today in Washington, D.C. Of course, he
flew Virgin Atlantic.
- This seemed odd to me. For the Pope's arrival ceremony at the White
House tomorrow, they're going to give him a 21-gun salute. Now, really,
isn't there a better welcome for the Apostle of Peace than a show of
firearms? I mean, whose idea was that?
Artie was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery. He
flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained; his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whisky was sticking
out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
He turned towards the priest and asked, 'Father, what causes arthritis?'
'Well my son,' looking down his nose at the inebriated Artie, 'it's the
result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and
contempt for your fellow man.'
'Well I'll be damned!' Artie muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean
to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?'
'I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
Funny Papal Stories - The Club
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks
who he is.
The Pope: I am the pope.
St. Peter: Who? There's no such name in my book.
The Pope: I'm the
representative of God on Earth.
St. Peter: Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ...
Pope: But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ...
St. Peter: The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check
with the boss. St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with
St. Peter: There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your
representative on earth.
God: I don't have a representative on earth,
not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus. (Yells for Jesus)
Jesus: Yes father, what's up?
God and St. Peter explain the
Jesus: Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.
Ten minutes pass and Jesus re-enters the room laughing out loud. After a
few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still
Looking For My Son
One day, Jesus was walking by the Pearly Gates, when St. Peter asked him
to watch the gates for a few minutes.
Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He
walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.
'How did you spend your life on earth my son?' asked Jesus.
'I was a
simple carpenter for sixty years.' replied the old man.
'And what do you hope to find here in heaven?' asked Jesus.
to find my son.' said the man
'Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find
'I'll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet,'
states the old man.
Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says, 'Father?'
old man looks at Jesus and says, 'Pinocchio?'
Golf and the Pope
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from
Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.
'Your holiness,' said one of the Cardinals, 'Mr Peres wants to determine
whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.'
The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his
'Not to worry,' said the Cardinal, 'We'll call America and talk to Phil
Mickelson. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres ... We can't
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course,
Phil was honoured and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Mickelson reported to the Vatican to inform the
Pope of his success in the match. 'I came in second, your Holiness,' said
'Second?' exclaimed the surprised Pope. 'You came in second to Shimon
'No,' said Mickelson, 'second to Rabbi Woods.'
The Muslim/Christian Debate: A Funny Story
Back ten centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Muslims had to
leave Jerusalem. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Muslim community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of
the Muslim community. If the Muslim won the debate, all the Muslims could
stay. If the Pope won, all the Muslims would have to leave.
The Muslims realised that they had no choice. They looked around for a
champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It
was too risky. But they finally picked their representative, an old Mullah
who unknowingly agreed without knowing what he was getting himself into. He
agreed only on the condition that neither side be allowed to talk but
communicate by miming. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. The Mullah and the Pope sat opposite
each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed
three fingers. The Mullah looked back at him and raised his middle finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Mullah Nasruddin
pointed to the ground and stamped his foot.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Mullah pulled out an
apple. The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The
Muslims can stay.'
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what
happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was
still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me
to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the
ground and stamping on it, showing that God was also right here with us. I
pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our
sins. He pulled out an apple, reminding me of the first sin. He had an
answer for everything. What could I do?'
Meanwhile, the Muslim community had crowded around the Mullah in total
astonishment. 'What happened?" they asked. 'Well,' said the Mullah, 'First
he said to me that we Muslims had three days to leave Jerusalem. I told him
up yours. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Muslims.
I said none of us leaving this land!'
'And then?' asked a woman.
'He took out his lunch and I took out mine,' said the Mullah.
The Bus Driver and St Peter
A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time.
They get to the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to
the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are
about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll.
St. Peter turns to the priest and says, 'This will be yours for eternity.
A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden,
and a library full of books.'
The priest says, 'Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!' St. Peter drops
off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver.
They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500
acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200-room
castle on one of the mountains, and a wishing well that makes wishes come
true. St. Peter says, 'This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that
castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have
everything you want.'
The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says, 'Well, now, don't think I'm
not grateful, but why am I getting so much more than the priest?'
St. Peter just laughs and says, 'You brought more souls to Heaven! When
the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. When you drove your bus, people
The Pope was cruising along the beach near Christchurch in the Pope-mobile when there was a
frantic commotion just off-shore. A helpless man, wearing an English rugby
jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 30
As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men
wearing Welsh, Irish and Scottish rugby jerseys. The Scotsman quickly fired a harpoon
into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the hapless
English fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark
to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned all three to see him, 'I give you my
blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatred
between the Celts and England rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own
eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his mates, 'Who was that?'
'It was the Pope,' one replied. 'He is in direct contact with God and has
access to all of God's wisdom.'
'Well,' the harpooner said, 'he may have access to God and his wisdom,
but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK?
Or do we need to get another Englishman?'
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