- Ireland's Worst Driver
- Mr Prawo Jazdy
- Service Charge?
- Rare Offence
- Something Missing?
- 10 Bungling Burglar Stories
- Skulduggery in the Garden
- Police Uniform
- A True Funny Police Story
- Police Humour -
10 Funny Comments Made By Arresting Constables, Allegedly
This is one of the funniest examples of police humour that Will and Guy
have encountered for many a year.
To be sure, your man Prawo Jazdy is a slippery fellow. He's wanted
for 50 different driving offences all over Ireland. Now, Prawo is clever
because every time we book him, his driving licence has a different address.
Every man in the *Garda has a different theory about how this 'Scarlet
Pimpernel' escapes the clutches of the law. Finally, the penny
dropped, Prawo Jardy is not a Hungarian name, but the Polish words for
The Garda had caught 53 different Polish drivers, but thought they were
dealing with the same man. Naturally, the Polish community in Ireland are having a good
laugh about Mr Prawo Jazdy.
*Garda are the Irish Police force.
Policeman: I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the
Man: What's the charge officer?
Policeman: Oh, there's no
charge. It's all part of the service.
Solly, the elderly tramp, is brought, by the police, before the
magistrate and he doesn't half smell; in fact he is distinctly olid.
judge says, 'What's the charge against this man?'
The policeman says, 'A
fragrancy charge, your honour.'
Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in
Wigan, Lancashire, along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report
that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description of
the missing man.
Vicky described him clearly and in detail, 'He is 35
years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build,
weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous with the children.
Pauline interrupts her protesting, 'Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8
inches, corpulent, bald, has a big mouth, and is horrid to your children.
Vicky replied, with a sigh, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?'
- Investigating a purse snatching in Brunswick, Georgia,
detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove
him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the
victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and
blurted, 'Yeah, that's the woman I robbed.'
- In Nashville, they tell of a burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of
the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.
- In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't
get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated,
he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash
register, he ran......but got only three feet before falling down. The
register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again,
but a diner knocked him to the him and called the police.
- In Rhode Island, police were sure they had the right man when the
suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely
- Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who
was fleeing naked. He said he'd stripped after the job because he
figured his clothes would make him identifiable.
- In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided
himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his
high-tech tennis shoes.
- In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid ID. in a
"Seven-Eleven" robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the
occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods
Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.
- Two robbers in Michigan, USA, entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his
partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
- A robber, in a town in Germany, was caught after he escaped with his
swag but he left his trousers behind. Police successfully arrested him
at a railway station trying to board a train in his underpants. You
couldn't invent these funny occurrences.
- A bungling Australian car thief was nabbed after accidentally locking
himself in the vehicle he was trying to steal in Adelaide, Australia.
3am. A knock on the door.
It's the police.
He feared the worse.
May have to share the last piece of cake.
Riot policemen stand with their shields spray-painted by students during
a demonstration in Bogota, Colombia.
Students took part in a nationwide protest against the government reform
of public universities.
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. 'Hello?'
'Hello, is this FBI?'
'Yes. What do you want?'
'I'm calling to report my neighbour Graham. He
is hiding marijuana in his firewood.'
'This will be noted.'
the FBI visit Graham's house. They search the shed where the firewood is
kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, curse Graham and leave.
The phone then rings at Graham's house. 'Hey, Graham! Did the FBI come?'
'Yeah, they did.'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep, every piece.'
'Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden dug.'
More Examples of Police Humour
Sonya asks a man in uniform, 'Are you a policeman?'
'No, I am an
'So why are you in a policeman's uniform?' demands
'Today is my day off.'
Will and Guy can inform you that a town's entire police force has
resigned in Hungary after winning more than £10 GBP million [$16.4million
USD] in a lottery.
The 15-strong squad policing Budaörs, a town in Pest county, Budapest
metropolitan area, Hungary, scooped the jackpot with their ticket and all
quit on the spot.
A bank robber in Virginia Beach Virginia, USA got a nasty surprise when a
dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his trousers.
robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was
running out the door.
A police spokesman informed us, 'He was seen
hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants.'
Police have the man's charred trousers safely in custody.
A police officer stops Moira Wilde for speeding and asks her, most
politely, if he can see her licence.
Moira replies in a huff, 'I wish you people would get your act together.
Only yesterday you took away my licence and then today you expect me to show
it to you.'
Two policemen are called to the scene of a crime at the Gateway local
convenience store in Fareham, England. One asks the manager, Roger Cook,
Roger replies stolidly, 'There's a man over there covered
in Corn Flakes and, I'm afraid that he's dead.'
'That's odd,' frowned the
first police detective, 'didn't we have one covered in Bran Flakes yesterday and
another covered in Weetabix last week?'
'You're right,' agreed the second
detective, 'This is obviously the work of a cereal killer.'
The Reckless Driver: A Puny Tale
Driving to work last week, Nicholas had to swerve quite violently to
avoid a box that fell out of a lorry in front of him.
Moments after, a policeman pulled him over and accused him of reckless
driving. Fortunately, another officer had also seen the container in the
road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to
contain large upholstery tacks.
'I'm sorry sir,' the first traffic cop told Nicholas, 'but I am going to
have to write you a ticket.'
Amazed, Nicholas asked for what.
The policeman retorted, 'Tacks evasion.'
Police Understanding - A Funny Short Story
A policeman stops Mavis just outside the city of Exeter, England, and
asks to see her driving licence. He says rather peremptorily, 'Lady, it says here that you should be
Mavis promptly answers sweetly, 'Well, I have contacts.'
The policeman replies gruffly, 'I don't care who you know, my dear.
You're still getting a ticket.'
A long-haired Chihuahua named "Momo" has passed exams to become a police
dog in Japan.
A long-haired Chihuahua named Momo [Japanese for Peach)]goes through an
examination to become a police dog in Yamatokoriyama, western Japan. The
brown-and-white Momo was one of 32 successful candidates out of 70 dogs,
passing a search and rescue test by finding a person in five minutes after
merely sniffing their cap Will and Guy have learned.
'Any breed of dog can be entered to become a police dog in the search and
rescue division,' a police spokesman from the western Japanese prefecture of
Nara told us.
Also he admitted that news a Chihuahua had been entered may still come as
a surprise to many. 'It's quite unusual,' he said.
Momo will be used for rescue operations in case of disasters such as
earthquakes, in the hope that she may be able to squeeze her tiny frame into
places too narrow for more usual rescue dogs, which tend to be German
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a line-up.
When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, 'Give
me all your money or I'll shoot,' the man shouted, 'That's not what I said!'
New Police Lie Detector
Suspect Gives Police The Run-around
Police in Oakland, California, USA, spent two hours attempting to subdue
a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was
standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up.
Problem, Madam? We Got Here As Fast As We Could.
Police Rescue and Arrest Suspect - A Silly Story To Laugh At
A man suspected of stealing a laptop computer finds himself stranded on a
window ledge as he attempts to flee the police.
This photo captures the man as he inches along on the fourth floor where
he eventually smashes a window and sits on the ledge without moving as he
waits to be arrested.
See Will and Guy's
- The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog.
- Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
- Life's tough, but it's tougher if you're stupid.
- No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.
- Just how big were those two beers?
- The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out
after you wear them awhile.
- If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.
- So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, eh?
- Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?
- In God we trust, all others are suspects.
This one almost made
our top ten: Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to
do that again or I'll give you another ticket.
Designer Police Constable Keith Waller admits his mean machine is
unlikely to catch many villains other than 'those with Zimmer* frames'.
However, he insists the five-gear, 20mph (32kph) go-kart has helped drive
down anti-social behaviour on his beat in Ringwood, Hampshire, England.
PC Waller recruited teenagers to help him build the £1,000 GBP [$1500
USD] Car, which will race in the British Pedal Car Grand Prix in Ringwood on
11th July 2010.
Will and Guy have learned, 'Getting youngsters involved gives them
something to focus on at lunch and after school so they are not out there
committing anti-social behaviour,' said PC Waller. 'I have been able to
reach out to the students and make the police more approachable. It makes me
look cooler, we all have fun and the children can come and talk to me.'
The battery-assisted car features full Hampshire Constabulary livery, a
siren and a roll bar to protect the driver in the, fairly unlikely, event of
a crash. The pedal car grand prix is a two-hour endurance race around a
track. 'I'm looking forward to it but do not expect to win: I'm no Lewis
Hamilton,' said PC Waller.
*Zimmer frame = walking aid for the elderly or disabled.
New Proposed Helicopter to Catch Speeding Motorists
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