Out takes Jokes

A foul-mouthed Royal Navy parrot was locked up when a defence chief visited a warship because officers feared its language would offend him. But Sunny, an 18-month old African Grey, refused to be gagged and let out a string of expletives from an annexe to the officers' mess. The outburst was clearly audible during a flying visit to the frigate Lancaster by Admiral-in-chief Alan West. The admiral was reported to be ' perplexed' as the parrot fired off catchphrases from ' The Fast Show' television comedy, as well as a few choice swear words. Sunny, the ship's mascot, also squawked: 'Zulus ... thousands of ' em!' Admiral West was conducting a briefing in the officers mess when Sunny announced its presence with the word ' arse'swiftly followed by ' bollocks.' It's repertoire includes whistling the theme tune to ' The Great Escape' and the cry: 'You ain't seen me, right?' Ratings are believed to have taught the bird to swear during Lancaster's six-month tour of the Persian Gulf. (Daily Telegraph, June 22nd, 2001)
A college professor always starts his class with a dirty joke. After one particularly vulgar story, all the women decide to leave the next time he starts telling a joke. The next day the Professor comes into the class and says, 'Did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?' With that all the women got to their feet and headed toward the door. 'Wait, 'cried the Professor, 'the boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!'
Hillary Clinton is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to discover that she is pregnant. She is furious and can't believe this has happened, when she is running for the Senate, too!!! She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone and immediately begins to berate him, screaming, 'I just found out I'm 5 weeks PREGNANT, and it is all YOUR fault!!! How could you have let this HAPPEN? With all the trouble going on right now, how COULD you???!!! Well...what have you got to say???' There is nothing but silence on the phone. She screams again: 'DID YOU HEAR ME????!!!' She finally hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, 'Who is this?'

Stars In Their Eyes.

It's Saturday night, and Matthew Kelly is presenting Stars In Their Eyes. A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage, and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon. MK: 'It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair -can you tell the audience what happened?' Simon: 'About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs.' MK: 'That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?' Simon: 'No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year.' Much applause. MK: 'That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be?' Simon: 'Tonight Matthew I will be... Simon and half-uncle!

Irish Maths

A construction boss in Belfast was interviewing men when along came a guy named Paddy from Dublin.' I'm not hiring no dumb Paddy from Dublin, 'thought the boss, so he made up a test hoping that Paddy would fail and he' d be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.' Here's your first question, 'the boss said.' Without using numbers, represent the number 9.' Wittout nombers?' Paddy says.' Agh! dat's easy, 'and he draws three trees.' What's this?' the boss asks.' Ain't ye got no brains? tree, 'n tree, 'n tree makes noin.' Says Paddy ' Fair enough, 'says the boss.' Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99.' Paddy thinks for a minute then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.' Der ye arr!' The boss scratches his head and asks 'How on earth does that make 99? 'Well, 'says Paddy, 'Each tree is dirty now! So dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, makes nointynoin.' The boss is getting worried that he may have to hire a Dubliner after all so he thinks and says, 'Last question, same rules but this time make it 100.' Paddy again thinks for a minute, then takes the picture and makes a small mark at the bottom of each tree.' Der ye arr!' The boss looks at the picture and says, 'You must be crazy that never represents 100! 'Well then, 'says Paddy, 'Ye see, a little doggie comes along and has a shoit at de bottom of dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree ' n a turd, dirty tree ' n a turd, dirty tree ' n a turd an dat makes a hunnert! When do I start?'