Funny Truisms, jokes, one-liners witticisms

These one-liners and jokes sound like the fodder for Christmas crackers, nevertheless I am sure you will unearth at least one gem.

• Truisms, One-liners and Witticisms
• Surprising Utterances of Famous People
• More Truisms from Famous People
• Funny Truisms- Magic Moments

1) Truisms, One-liners and Witticisms

• Never try to
  teach a pig to sing – it wastes your time and annoys the pig.
• Never go to Dudley. It’s
  not the end of the world, but you can see it from there.
• Dog owners! Your
  monstrously large hound is not more afraid of me than I am of it.
• The trick is to find the right man in the
  right pub.
• Never pretend you can horse-ride.
• People who say, ‘I’m beside myself, ‘are often mistaken; with the notable exception of time
  travellers and Siamese twins.
• If you can’t
  believe it’s
  not butter, you’re an idiot.
• Cats know more than they let on.
• Beginning a sentence, ‘Now, don’tget angry…’
  will always have the reverse effect.
• Nobody has ever read the small print of a mobile-phone insurance contract.
• You can’t
  skip and be unhappy at the same time.
• There are two
  theories to arguing with women. Neither works.
• Too many cooks spoil the TV schedules.
• Never ever mix sleeping pills and laxatives.
• Nothing productive can come from just nipping in for a quick pint at two in the afternoon.  (Will may have to differ here.)
• There’s
  nothing you could wish for in life that you couldn’t
  buy from a man in a pub.
• You can live your life through a computer.
• Lenny Henry isn’t
  very funny.
• Sarcasm may be the lowest form of wit… but it’s
  still funny.

See also Witticisms

2)
Surprising Utterances of Famous People

‘Churchill? He is a busted flush’
.- Lord Beaverbrook in 1932, explaining why he would not give
the man a job on his newspaper. Ten years later he was Prime Minister and Beaverbrook was below him in the government.

‘My uncle is a peaceful man, he thinks war’s
not worth the candle’
. – Willie Hitler
speaking about his uncle Adolf, in 1937.

‘Space travel is utter bilge’
– Dr. Richard Wooley, Astronomer Royal, 1956. The first sputnik was launched in 1957 by Russia [USSR].

‘No woman in my time will be Prime Minister.’
– Margaret Thatcher in 1969. She became Prime Minister in 1979.

3) More Truisms from Famous People

Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.
BF Skinner

I
think age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Tom Stoppard

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

Franklin P. Jones

Invention is the mother of necessity.
Thorstein Veblen

2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.
Grabel’s Law

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
Henry J. Tillman

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy
something.
Jackie Mason

Most people have seen worse things in private than they pretend to be shocked at in public.
Edgar Watson Howe

4) On receiving their invitations to an inventor’s convention
Will and Guy imagine these famous men may have answered with the following
funny truisms:

• Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
• Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
• Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
• Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
• Morse’s reply, ‘I’ll be there on the dot. Can’t stop now must dash.’

Footnote:
Please send us your  funny Truisms.  For example,
The things we
know best are the things we haven’t been taught. Marquis de Vauvenargues