Funny Newspaper Headlines

Here is a selection of funny banner headlines.  Once you alerted to the phenomenon, I guarantee
that you will start seeing amusing headings in your newspaper headlines.

Unusual, Strange and Funny Newspaper Headlines

The meaning is not quite what the editor had in mind, nevertheless, they gave Will and Guy a chuckle.

• Funny News Headlines
• Newspaper Headlines -
  With Subtitles
• Naughty but Hilarious Newspaper Story
• More, Strange and
  Funny Newspaper Headlines
• Another Batch
  of Funny Newspaper Headlines
• Funny Newspaper Stories

Funny News Headlines
Researched by Alan Turnham

• Something Went Wrong in Plane Crash, Expert Says
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• Juvenile Court to Try
  Shooting Defendant
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike Isn't
  Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
• Enfield ( London ) Couple
  Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges!
• Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

More
Funny Newspaper Headlines - With Subtitles

• Miner Refuses to Work after Death
  [That-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so!]
• Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
  [He probably IS the battery charge!]
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  [What a man!]
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  [Weren't
  they fat enough?!]
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  [Taste like chicken?]

Amazing,
True, Naughty But Hilarious Newspaper Story

The Bristol Evening Post newspaper has informed Will and Guy of the
following amusing happening.

Outside Bristol Zoo is a car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8
coaches.  It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same
charming and very polite car park attendant with a ticket machine. The
charges are £1 per car and £5.per coach. [$1.60 and $8.12 USD]

Apparently on Monday 1st June, he did not turn up for work. Bristol Zoo
management phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement
parking attendant.  The Council told Zoo, 'That car park is your
responsibility.'

The Zoo replied, 'The attendant was employed by the City Council...
wasn't he?'

The Council said, 'What attendant?'

Gone missing from his home is a man who has been taking daily the car
park fees amounting to about £400 per day [$650 USD] for the last 23 years.

Footnote
It's funny how one story triggers memory of
a similar tale.  Guy once knew a council car park attendant back in the
1960s.  He had an scam whereby he left the car park at 5:00pm, but
returned unofficially at 6:00pm and reopened the car park.  At the end
of the night he pocketed all the evening's takings.

More, Strange and
Funny Newspaper Headlines

Unknown source: Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung.

Unknown source: Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.

Aberdeen Evening Express: At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster
radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He
replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any
help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

The Times: A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented,
'This sort of thing is all too common.'

The Daily Telegraph: Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about
a large gas bill, a spokesman for North-west Gas said 'We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas
used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'

BBC news online: Researchers at Leicester University discovered that playing
songs such as Simon and Garfunkel's 'Bridge Over Troubled Water', and popular
1950s standard 'Moon River' to cows succeeded in relieving tension - and
boosting milk yields.

De Groene Amsterdammer: A Dutch veterinarian was fined 600 guilders [about
$240USD] for causing a fire that destroyed a farm in Lichten Vourde, the
Netherlands. The vet had been trying to convince a farmer that his cow was
passing flatulent gas; to demonstrate, the vet ignited the gas, but the cow
became a 'four-legged flame-thrower' and ran wild, setting fire to bales of hay.
Damage to the farm was assessed at $80,000USD.The cow was unharmed.

Manchester Evening News: Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform
at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail
ticket.

Barnsley Chronicle: Police arrived quickly, to find Mr Melchett hanging by his
fingertips from the back wall. He had run out of the house when the owner, Paul
Finch, returned home unexpectedly, and, spotting an intruder in the garden, who
had been visiting Mrs Finch and, hearing the front door open, had climbed out of
the rear window. But the back wall was 8 feet high and Mr Melchett had been
unable to get his leg over.

Belga [The Belgium news agency]: man suspected of robbing a jewellery store in
Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school
at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school. Daily Telegraph: In a piece headed 'Brussels Pays £200,000 Pounds to Save
Prostitutes: the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket,
but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training
them for new positions in hotels.'

Cilantro (Coriander) - or
Cement!

Guy calls cilantro coriander and Will knows this herb as Chinese parsley;
actually it's funny news item even if you don't know what this word means!

Another Funny Cooking Story

Another Batch of Funny Newspaper Headlines

• Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
• Safety Experts Say
  School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
• Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
• Eye Drops off Shelf
• Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
• Shot Off Woman's
  Leg
  Helps Nicklaus to 66
• Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
• Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
• Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Red Tape Holds Up New
  Bridge
  
• Deer Kill 17,000
• Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
• Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
• Ban On
  Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
• Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New
• Vaccine May Contain Rabies
• College Opens Doors
  to Hearing
• Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
• Include your Children
  When Baking Cookies
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• See our funny small ads section

Out-takes - Intriguing newspaper headlines that did not make our main joke list

Will and Guy have sympathy with the newspaper editors who allowed these
bloopers to slip through the net to end up being published. As the writers
of this particular website we do not always place totally correct stories or
jokes on the site. Proof reading is, of course, essential, but sometimes
errors can be overlooked. We are always grateful to have our errors pointed
out, so that we may correct them.

Having said that, we still find these mistakes amusing and funny

• Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
• British Left Waffles on
  Falkland Islands
• Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time
• Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
• Farmer Bill Dies in House
• Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
• Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash
• Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Drunken Drivers Paid £1000
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike isn't
  Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• Astronaut Takes Blame for
  Gas in Spacecraft
• Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts
• Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf

Funny Newspaper Stories

Editor: a person employed by a newspaper, whose business it is to
separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.
Elbert Hubbard

From the South Wales Argus

Emily Tomlinson reporting to the police that her Ford Focus car was stolen.
In the report she also mentioned sheepishly that her Nokia phone was in the
car.

The policeman who took down her details was quick-thinking and called
Emily's Nokia phone and told the person who answered that he had read seen
an advert in the Argus, and the Ford seemed just the car he was looking
for.  They arranged to meet in a motorway service on the M4, where the
thief was arrested.

Stop Press:
Please send us your Funny Newspaper Headlines

For example, CB sent us this Newspaper item:
Wanted, member for vacant West Ward (Fool time position)