Funny Monday Morning Jokes

Each day of the week has a definite personality, for example the
saying, Monday’s child is fair of face.  Will and Guy have a
variety of jokes and funny quotes to overcome the Monday morning blues.

Good Pages of Monday Jokes

• A Look to the Moon – Irish Humour
• Bank Robbery – Thief needs Geography lesson
• Beautiful Life – Ideal daydreaming for a Monday
• Computer
  Jokes – Complete section
• Food for thought – Lovely cartoons
• Husband Encourages Wife to Shop
• How to Cook
  – House husbands
• Mobile Phone – And family confessions
• More Jokes – Good variety
• Newspaper Headlines – Eye drops off shelf (Eye-drops)

Monday -v- Friday

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!

Each Friday afternoon we go home full of the joys of the weekend.  In
contrast after the weekend we drag ourselves into work full of the Monday
morning blues.  This video clip captures that Friday to Monday transition.

A Variety of Funny Monday Quotes

1. I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national
   emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.  Ronald Reagan
   
2. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
3. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘have you got
   anything for wind?’
   So he gave me a kite.  Tommy Cooper
   
4. If you look like your passport picture, you probably needed the
   weekend trip.
5. Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one. Spike
   Milligan

Monday Jokes – Having a Bad Day with Your Computer?

Perhaps one of these sites can help you:

• Need a therapist?  Try Therapist Finder at
  www.therapistfinder.com
• Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
  www.powergenitalia.com
• Visit these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
  www.speedofart.com

20 Funny Monday Morning One-liners To Cheer You Up
And Make Your Colleagues
Laugh

1. I couldn’t repair
   your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
2. A day without sunshine is
   like…, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I
   just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of
   all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99% of Lawyers give the rest a
   bad name.
7. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
8. He
   who laughs last thinks slowest.
9. Depression is merely anger without
   enthusiasm.
10. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
11. Support
    bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
12. A clear conscience
    is usually the sign of a bad memory.
13. Change is inevitable, except from
    vending machines.
14. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
15. Always try to be
    modest, and be proud of it!
16. OK,….. so what’s the speed of dark?
17. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
18. If everything seems to
    be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
19. What happens if
    you get scared half to death twice?
20. Monday is a dreadful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

It’s Monday, You’ve Just Been Jilted – Food for Thought

The hospital’s
consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.

‘The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us
realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water.

However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives. Now,
is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’ A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, ‘Wedding cake.’

Five More Laughs For A Monday Morning

1. I dialled a number and got the following recording, ‘I
   am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I
   am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the
   beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.’
2.  My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use
   mine.
3.  Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
4.  Roger went to apply for a job. After filling out
   all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
   The
   employer read all his applications and said to Roger, ‘We have an
   opening for people like you.’
   ‘Oh, great,’ Roger replied, ‘What is
   it?’
   ‘It’s called the door,’ came the answer.
5. A man walks into a pub and sees Vincent Van Gogh
   standing at the bar. The man says, ‘I love your paintings, can I buy you
   a drink?’
   Vincent replies, ‘No thanks I’ve got one ear.’

Chef’s Special

Nigel: The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
Sally: Which is this?

A Different Cure for the Monday Blues –
A Serene and Peaceful Dawn

Cheer yourself up with more
pictures of a beautiful Monday

Music For Monday Mornings

Monday, Monday by The Mamas and The Papas

Monday, Monday, so good to me
Monday mornin’, it was all I hoped it
would be
Oh Monday mornin’, Monday mornin’ couldn’t guarantee
That
Monday evenin’ you would still be here with me

I Don’t Like Mondays by the Boomtown Rats

The silicon chip inside her head
Gets switched to overload
And
nobody’s gonna go to school today
She’s going to make them stay at home
And daddy doesn’t understand it
He always said she was as good as gold
And he can see no reason
‘Cause there are no reasons
What reason do
you need to be shown

Tell me why – I don’t like Mondays
Tell me why – I don’t like Mondays
Tell me why – I don’t like Mondays
I want to shoot
The whole day down

See more bad jokes

Special Mondays Throughout the Year

If you work in a company where one person gets Monday off, another
Tuesday and so on throught the week, never volounteer for Monday because
there are so many natural holidays on a Monday that you are better off
choosing say a Tuesday or a Thursday.

Presidents’ Day

The third monday in February honors American presidents, in fact it was
once called Washington Day.

Labor Day

An American holiday on the first Monday in September.

Bank Holiday Monday

Here is an English tradition of wet weekends spread throughout the year.

Columbus Day

The second monday in October commemerates Christopher Columbus
discovering America in 1492.

Cyber Monday

While Thanksgiving is an official holiday, the week following is not.
Since 2005 the following Monday has been labelled ‘Cyber Monday’ and has become one of the
busiest shopping days of the year.

Clean Monday or Ash Monday

Clean Monday is the first day of the Eastern Orthodox
Christian and Eastern Catholic Great Lent. It is a movable feast that occurs
at the beginning of the 7th week before Orthodox Easter Sunday.

It is called “Clean Monday”, because it refers to people leaving behind
their sinful attitudes.

Funny History Exam Answer

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed
the Ocean, and that was called the Pilgrim’s Progress. When they landed at
Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling
their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried their cabooses, which
proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
setters. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was
responsible for all this.

Monday Blues – Sicknote Frequency

Analysis of workplace sickness reveals that Mondays in January are the
most popular days for workers pulling a ‘sickie’.  Twelve of the twenty
most popular days for sickness absence occurred in January.

Another study of sickness found that 34% of all sick leave is taken on a
Monday.  What happens is that attendance on the remaining working days
becoming higher as the week progresses. Thus the lowest sick leave rate was
recorded on Fridays with just 2.9% of the total.

Blue Monday

Blue Monday the most depressing day of the year.  It falls on at the
end of the January, typically on the Monday of the last full week of
January.

Cliff Arnall’s formula is:

Where: weather=W, debt=d, time since Christmas=T, time since failing our
new year’s resolutions=Q, low motivational levels=M and the feeling of a
need to take action=Na. ‘D’ is not defined in the release, nor are units.

Arnall says the date was calculated by using many factors, including:
weather conditions, debt level (the difference between debt accumulated and
our ability to pay), time since Christmas, time since failing our new year’s
resolutions, low motivational levels and feeling of a need to take action.

However, Ben Goldacre points out that Cliff Arnall’s equation does not
make mathematical sense.  Will and Guy say that while maths is mumbo
jumbo, there is an underlying truth that the anti-climax after Christmas and
New Year bottoms out at the end of January.

Arnall’s dates for Blue Monday:

24 January in 2005
23 January in 2006
22 January in 2007
21 January in 2008
19 January in 2009
18 January in 2010.
In 2011
some say blue Monday was on 24 January 2011, while other claim the 17th of
January.
23 January 2012
24 January 2013

More Samples of our Best
Monday Jokes: Sign on Motorway Garage:

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.
YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH, BUT OUR PETROL IS

Spotted in a Safari Park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Funny Warning Labels on Appliances

On a cardboard windshield sun-shade: ‘Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place’
.

Why Pumpkins are Better than Men?

Each year you get a brand new crop to choose from.  Also, they are always on the doorstep there waiting to greet you.

Funny Notices Seen in Hotel Bedrooms:

1. Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing please not to read notice.
2. Please to bathe inside the tub.
3. Please leave your values at the front desk.
4. You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
5. Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it
   is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

Monday Blues Joke

Important Phone Fixed

Having just moved into his new office in Whitehall, pompous, newly promoted Lieutenant Commander Rodney Grant [Royal Navy] was sitting at his desk when Leading Seaman Jones knocked on his door. Particularly
aware of his new position, the commander quickly picked up the phone, told the seaman to enter, then said into the phone, ‘Yes, Admiral, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In
the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.’

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed young Jones man, he asked, ‘What do you want?’

‘Nothing important, sir,’ Jones replied without batting
an eyelid, ‘I’m just here to connect up your new telephone.’

Funny Motor Insurance Quotes from Claim Forms Filed on a Monday

• I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he had been
  run over before.
• The other man altered his mind so I had to run into him.
• I collided with a stationary tree.

Bad Label on a Passenger Manifest

A New York lawmaker called and asked, ‘Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s
luggage belongs to who?’ I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’
She replied, ‘Well, when I checked in with

the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight, I think that is very rude?’
After putting her on hold for a minute while I ‘
looked into it’
(I was
actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I thought under my breath, a good job she
wasn’t
going to Show Low airport in Arizona (SOW).

Footnote:
Please send us your funny Monday morning
jokes.