A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item
that she doesn't
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Jokes to Work Into
a Maid-of-Honor Speech
A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree,
and the woman gets her master's.
The five essential words for a good marriage: 'I
apologize' and 'You are right
My opinions are my wife's, and she says that I'm lucky to have them.
Thinking Man - A Little Reading is Dangerous
The husband had just finished reading the book 'Man of the House.'
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said,
'From now on
I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner,
you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?
His wife replies, 'the funeral director would be my guess'
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
Worn once by mistake.
Wedding Hymn Sheet
The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was
wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not
remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to
remember 3 things.
First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be
Secondly, the alter because that is where you will
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we
will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in step
with the wedding march, family and friends of the maid-of-honor were horrified
to hear her repeating these 3 words...
... Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter
More Maid-of-Honor Jokes for the Nuptials
You can write the speech yourself, alternatively, you can get a book of wedding
speeches and then modify one. If you are going to make a good maid-of-honor
speech, then it must come from the heart.
The Bride Is Always White
Cindy was just 9 years old, this was the third wedding she had been to
that summer. She turned to her mother and asked:
"Mom, why is the bride always wearing a beautiful white dress?"
Oh, that baby, is because it's the happiest day of her life.
"In that case why is the groom wearing a black suit?"
Kindly sent in by Jean
Is Romance Dead?
Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting his rather large garden
hedge after work, so Dave went straight over to Brian's home. When they got
to the front door, Brian went straight up to his wife, gave her a big hug
and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her excellent
cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian that he was surprised
that he fussed so much over his wife. Brian said that he' d started this
about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be
better. Dave thought he'd give it a go.
When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her
that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Dave was confused and asked
why she was crying. She said, 'This is the worst day of my life. First,
little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing
machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!'
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How To Make A Marriage
'The thrill, the excitement is gone from my marriage,' George
complains to his mate, Tony.
'Why not add some intrigue to your life and
have an affair?' suggests Tony naughtily.
'But what if my wife finds
out?' frowns George.
'Lummee, George,' explains Tony, 'this is the 21st century we live
in, mate. Go ahead and tell her about it.'
So George returns home and says, 'Poppet, I think an affair will
bring us closer together.'
'Forget it,' replies his wife. 'I've tried that - it didn't work.'
A Question Of
Vicky, a young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains,
'I'm looking for a husband. Can you please help me to find a suitable
The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks, 'What are your requirements, please?'
'Well, let me see.' Vicky says, 'He needs to be fine looking, polite,
humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing
accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go
out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation
and be silent when I want to rest.'
The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, 'I
understand. You need a television.'
Do practice your Maid-of-honor speech until you can recite it naturally and without
hesitation. To gain extra confidence find out precisely at
what point during the reception you should give the speech. Usually,
it's after the best man's speech.
More Jokes for a Maid-of-Honor Speech
The Promise of Marriage
Molly and Peter have been married for
almost 48 years and have raised a brood of 12 children and are blessed with
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, Molly
replies, 'Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one
to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.'
The Seven Ages of the
1st year - The husband says, 'Oh, darling, I'm really
worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that
could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to
take you right down to the private hospital and have you admitted for a
couple days of rest. I know the food is good there, and I've already spoken
to the Matron and the Hospital chef and I've paid the bill.
2nd year -
'Listen, sweetie, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've 'phoned the
doctor and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you
just go to bed and get the rest you need? I'll bring you something to eat
when you're hungry.'
3rd year - 'Maybe you better go lie down, darling.
When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something ; do we have
any canned soup around here anywhere?'
4th year - 'No sense wearing
yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and
the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go straight to bed
5th year - 'Why don't you take a couple aspirin?'
6th year - 'You ought to gargle or something, instead of sitting
around barking like a dog.'
7th year - 'For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying
to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the
No.10 above, was kindly sent by Solly, a regular reader, who also enjoys our
Joke of the Day.
Please send us your funny Maid-of-Honor wedding speech jokes.
"Dear, don't expect the first few meals to be great.
time to find the right restaurant."
A Clever, Funny, Shaggy Doggy Wedding Story
Once upon a time, Clara and Jenny were talking when Clara asks Jenny how
many times she's been married, and the reply was 4.
'Four times!' exclaims Clara, 'why so many?'
So Jenny replies, 'Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I
married this wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a
few weeks after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and
'Oh my word, that's terrible,' Clara said.
'Well, it wasn't that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another
man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he
lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a
net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and
suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was
'Your second husband was killed too? That's horrible.'
'Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the
minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday
while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.'
'Three? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live
through all that?'
'It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he's a
wonderful man. I think we'll live a long happy life together.'
'And what does your present husband do for a living?' Clara enquires.
'He's a mortician,' responds Jenny.
'A mortician? I don't understand something here. First you marry a
banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician?
Can you explain such a diverse grouping of husbands?'
'Well, if you think about it it's not too hard to
One for the money...
Two for the show...
Three to get ready...
And four to go ........
A Brief Guide to the Etiquette of Wedding Day Speeches
The order of wedding speeches is traditionally as follows:
The father of the bride
usually talks fondly about his daughter. As with most speeches, it is
accepted that a mixture of affectionate anecdote and humour generally works
well. He then toasts the bride and groom.
The groom speaks next and replies on behalf of himself
and his wife [in these modern times it should be remembered that more and
more brides are making their own speeches*]. He aims to thank those people
involved in helping them both in the planning of the wedding and distributes
gifts to those who are to receive more than a verbal "thank you." The groom
then may talk about his new wife before proposing a toast to the bridesmaids
The best man's oration now follows. He thanks the bride
and bridegroom on behalf of the bridesmaids and himself for asking them to
be part of their special day and for the gifts they have received and then
he reads out telegrams, cards, e-mails or other messages from friends and
relatives who couldn't be at the wedding. He will then go on to talk about
the groom in what can be the highlight, or in some cases lowlight, of the
wedding speeches. Humour and anecdote abound. Finally the best man
should then propose a toast to the parents of the bride and bridegroom.
The maid of honor's speech may follow the best man's.
Will and Guy say that if you are looking for help in preparing your
speech then please spend some time reading our carefully prepared pages.
If you have any maid-of-honor speech jokes, then please send them to
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