People who claim they don't
let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. (Anon)
Jokes for July
- An Atheist and a Bear
- Buffalo - One to Avoid
- Cat and Mice in Heaven
- Circus Strong Woman
- Couch Potato Exercises
- Dates Quiz For July
- Hillbilly Drunks
- Kung-fu Kick at a Train
- Loser of the Month
- Out of the Mouths of Babes
- Pigs - Not Rearing
- Running of the Bulls at Pamplona
- Shocking Bills
- Strange Sayings
- Wife Carrying Championships
Here is a selection of our quick funny jokes for July:
Our mission is to entertain you with quick funny jokes. We also aim to surprise, but never shock you.
All our jokes are clean and amuse both adults and kids.
Out of the mouths.............
I was nervous the night my husband and I took our three young sons to a restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became
quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, at that moment, our six-year-old piped up, 'Mum drinks a lot more than that.'
- Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does
not smoke or drink.
- Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't
much, but the reception was excellent.
- Wanted: Mother's
helper - peasant working conditions.
Always Sell the Benefit
Rupert, the salesman, was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a John Lewis
department store in Doncaster. He was impressing the people who stopped by
to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress. Finally
to impress even the sceptics in the crowd, Rupert bent the comb completely
in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he
bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see
and calmly said, 'And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable
comb looks like on the inside.'
Interesting study - take note
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with very low intellect read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking your hand off now. It's
Loser of the month
- Quick Funny Jokes
A burglar was caught after he fell down a chimney while escaping over the roof of a house he had just broken into. Police in Maastricht, Holland, arrested the 33-year-old after being called out by the house
owners who heard his calls for help. The man had tried to flee out of a roof window with his booty of cash and jewellery, but tumbled in the dark and got stuck inside the chimney.
Checking the menu, Barry, a restaurant customer, ordered a bowl of soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth. He called the waitress over and said,
'It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked.'
The waitress said, 'You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?'
'Yes,' Barry replied grimacing, 'but maybe it has a leek in it!'
Roderick is rambling in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really
tall tree. The bear starts to climb the tree, so Roderick climbs up higher.
Then, the bear climbs down and goes away.
Again, the Roderick starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear
returns, and this time he's brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears
climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. Rod climbs even
higher still, so that the bears can't reach him. Eventually, the bears go away.
Naturally quite relieved, Roderick starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the
two bears return, this time Rod knows he is in big trouble, as each bear is
carrying a beaver.
Strange Things People Say
- What the residents of Moscow are called? - Mosquitoes.
- Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?
- Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Acting on a tip-off, Greek police officers raided a nunnery in the
village of Filiro, near Thessaloniki in Greece. It amazed them to find 35
healthy cannabis plants growing in the walled garden.
What the nuns told the police was, two gentleman offered to help them
tidy the garden in the Greek Orthodox nunnery. Summing up the circumstances,
the officers believed the nuns when they said they had no idea that
'decorative plants' were really pot, or kánnabis in Greek. Police are still
trying to trace the two gardeners.
Hillbilly Letter From Home
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull
him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned
for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal
Your Favorite Aunt,
July Distinguishing Events
- 1st Canada Day
- 1st Doctor's Day
- 1st Wife Carrying Championships Finland
- Cycling: Tour de France
- 4th of July - American Independence Day
- 6-14th Running of the Bulls at Pamplona
Muslim Festival Ramadan Ends
- 12th Orangeman's Day Northern Ireland
- 14th July Bastille Day
- 15th July St Swithin's Day
- Golf: UK
- 24th Cousins' Day
- 27th National Scotch Egg Day
- 29th The inauguration of the Arc de Triomphe in Paris (1836)
See other interesting events that happened in July back down
- Dates for January - Test your knowledge
- Zodiac Signs - January
- Quiz - July Dates
- Zodiac Signs - July
Please send us your clean July jokes.
See more of Will and Guy's best clean jokes for each month:
January • February • March • April •
May • June •
Special Day Today • Home
July • August •
• November • December • Jokes Months