Jokes For May

Jokes for May

• The Nutty Soldier
• Big Eric
• Tempus Fugit (Time Flies)
• A Soldier is Always Prepared
• Absolutely useless trivia

The
Nutty Soldier

Our mission is to amuse you with a wide variety of jokes,
amusing anecdotes and thought provoking images.  We also aim to surprise, but never shock you.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he
found, frown and say, ‘That’s
not it’
and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the
soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: ‘That’s
it.’

Big Eric

One day, Dave, the bus driver, was in his bus when
the biggest man he had ever seen got on. The giant looked at the driver and growled, ‘Big Eric doesn’t
pay’
, and took his seat.  Dave was only a little man and he didn’t
really want to argue.

This
happened for several days. After a week, Dave was beginning to get a little angry. Everybody else paid, so why not the big man?

So Dave went to the gym and started a course of body-building. He didn’t
want
to be frightened of Big Eric any longer.

Eight weeks later the driver had strong muscles and was feeling very fit.

At the usual stop, Big Eric got on. ‘Big Eric doesn’t
pay’, he barked; but this time Dave
was prepared for him. He stood up, shaking slightly, and said between clenched teeth, ‘Oh, yeah? And why doesn’t
Big Eric pay?’

‘Because Big Eric has got a bus pass’
, the man replied.

Tempus Fugit (Time Flies)

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t
get mad at me….I know We’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t

think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t
remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

A Soldier is Always Prepared

The
American Air Force unveiled its new Battle Dress Uniform today. The utilitarian thing about the new uniform said Air Force representatives was that it has a built-in reversible Hawaiian shirt.

‘This helps
keep troops at the ready,’ said one Air Force Official. ‘If they are off duty they simply turn the shirt inside-out and come into work.’

Absolutely useless trivia:

• The word ‘Checkmate’ in chess comes from the Persian phrase ‘Shah Mat,’ which means ‘the king is dead’.
• There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, ‘therein’ the, there, he, in, rein, her,
  here, ere, therein, herein.
• The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle.
• The word ‘set’ has more definitions than any other
  word in the English language.
• ‘Underground’ is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters ‘und.’
• There are only four words in the English language which end in’-dous’
  tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Even more trivia:

• The longest word in the English language.
  According to folk-lore Antidisestablishmentarianism is the longest word in the dictionary, it means being against separating church and state.However, floccinaucinihilipilification, a word found in the Oxford English dictionary since 1800, is one letter longer.  This strange word means estimating that something is worthless.While the Oxford English Dictionary has even longer words such as pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, these are compound technical words and many people discount them.
• The longest one-syllable word in the
  English language is ‘screeched.’
• The longest place-name still in use is
  Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
• Los Angeles’s full name is ‘El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula’ and
  can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, ‘L.A.’
• The name for Oz in the ‘Wizard of Oz’ was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence ‘Oz.’
• The longest common word that you can type with just the left hand is probably ‘Stewardesses’, however there is the obscure but longer: ‘Aftercataracts’.  With the right hand the longest word is
  Phyllophyllin.  (Lolypop comes close, but as Groucho Marx would say: ‘no cigar’)
• To ‘testify’ was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.
• The combination ‘ough’ can be pronounced in nine
  different ways. The following sentence contains them all ‘A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.’
• The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
• Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning ‘containing
  arsenic.’

More clean jokes and one-liners for May