A Beer Drinker's Guide to Fault Finding - CAMRA Guide

'Giving up drinking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've
done it thousands of times.' Mark Twain

Contents

Beer Testing

George and Harold, two elderly gentlemen well into their 80's, often would
sit on a bench in front of 'Dermot's Hair Cuts' discussing current affairs,
debating political issues and chatting about life in general. Among their
favourite concerns was which of the local brands of beer was the best. George
has his favourite, while Harold had a preference for a different brand.

After several years of listening to this argument, Dermot, the barber, in front
of whose shop the men sat suggests, 'There is a way you can resolve this dispute
once and for all. Why don't you send samples of each brand of beer off to one of
those new-fangled laboratories where they can test them and determine which is
actually the better quality of the two.'

George and Harold decide this suggestion is appealing, and so they walk across
the street to the Last Chance saloon and ask the bartender to find two jars,
fill them with the respective brands of beer, and package them up for delivery
to the laboratory.

After a few months, an envelope arrives at the local post office. Eager to read
the test results, George and Harold hurry over to their favourite bench in front
of the barber shop and open the envelope. Inside is a letter which reads,
'Gentlemen: Thank you for submitting the two specimens. We are happy to report
that both performed very well under testing. In fact, it is our conclusion that
both horses are in the best of health.'

Drinkers' Guide

I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended
upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real
facts, and beer. Abraham Lincoln

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh,
I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go
nearly as well with pizza. Dave Barry

[I recommend]...bread, meat, vegetables and beer. Sophocles' philosophy of a
moderate diet

I would give all my fame for a pot of ale and safety. Shakespeare in Henry V

No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer. John Churchill,
First Duke of Marlborough

An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger, or a beer. Confucius

He was a wise man who invented beer. Plato

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. Kaiser Wilhelm

Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink.

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if
you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very
least you need a beer. Frank Zappa

Bull's Eye

We had a stag party in a bar, I was drinking & invited to play darts. 'I don't play darts'

'Play anyway' they said so I did. After throwing badly including losing over & over...this final game I was a few more beers into it, throwing bull eyes with the 1st & 2nd darts, everyone is off there
bar stools watching the 3 dart thrown. It hits, Sparks are fling...all eyes are following it as it falls to the floor below...it's lit up spinning in sparks...comes to rest and everyone is in Awwwhh, big
eyed, silent or saying Look at that, what the heck!!

A moment...then big laughs from me as I go to pick it up, I hold it up saying, 'oh, I throw my cigarette'. Everyone grumbled, walked away & I was
never asked to play darts since.

Wisconsinittes (Cindy)