More Jokes

Despite the legend of Saint George slaying a dragon, St George was a real person.  Historical records show that his father was a career soldier in the Roman army, while his mother was from Lydda (Lod) Israel.  What is strange is that
Saint George never actually set foot in England; he spent his life in what today we call Turkey and the Middle East.

As with many saints, it is Saint George’s death on 23rd April in 303 AD that cements his anniversary in the calendar.  Indeed, it was his gruesome death in Palestine, that was instrumental in the
Catholic Church declaring St George an illustrious and Great Martyr.  The precise date of St George’s birth is not recorded, but it was believed to be in 275 AD, thus he lived for only 28 years.

May Day Jokes

Right Turn?

Two yokels were driving to the next village’s May Day Fair.  They came
to a sign that said: May Day Fair Left.   … So they turned around and
went home!

How to get to the fair

A townie was looking for the May Day Fair, he stopped and asked Jethro.
‘Will this road take me to the May Day Fair?’  ‘Oh no,’ said Jethro.
‘You’ll have to go by yourself!’

Fell off the back of a lorry – Guy’s favourite May Day Joke

Freddie was looking at the animals section at the May Fair when a dirty,
scruffy man came running in the opposite direction.  He stopped and asked
Freddie, ‘Have you seen a cart load of pigs go this way?’  ‘No’, said
Freddie, ‘Why did you fall off?’  See more about
May Day customs

Good Insurance Policy?

Hooligans had set fire to a farmer’s haystack which then spread to his barn.

While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife ‘phoned their insurance company
and asked them to send a check for £30,000, [$60,000 USD] the amount of
insurance on the barn.

‘We don’t give you the money,’ a company official explained. We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.’

‘In that case,’ replied
the wife, ‘cancel the policy I have on my husband.’

See more funny marriage jokes

Seeing Pink Elephants

If a friend tells you they are “seeing pink elephants”, then this is
serious.   What it means is they are suffering delirium tremens.
The condition and the accompanying hallucinations are caused by alcohol
poisoning.

Baby Pink Elephant

However, this cameraman, Mike Holding, had definitely not been drinking
when he captured these photos of a pink elephant in northern Botswana,
Africa. Experts believe it is probably an albino, which is an extremely rare
phenomenon in African elephants. While albinism is thought to be fairly
common in Asian elephants, it is much less common in the larger African
species.

Here we see the baby pink elephant attempting to shelter under its mother
because surviving is very difficult in the harsh African bush as the glaring
sun may cause blindness and skin problems.

Fast Phone Service!

Ian Bell, a lorry driver, who had never owned a cell-phone, was a
frequent user of the pay telephone at Weybridge Café, in Brooklands Road,
and was greatly inconvenienced when the ‘phone broke down.

He made
repeated requests for it to be repaired but sadly the telephone company only
made promises.

After several days, Ian, decided to contact the phone company again
and told them that there was no longer any hurry to repair the box. He
added that the ‘phone was now working fine, concluding with ‘except that
all money was being returned to callers upon completion of each call.’

A repairman arrived within the hour.

10  Silly Jokes.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He
   acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an
   Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only
   a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was
   confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
   work.
6. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
7. Time
   flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
8. A hole has been found in
   the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
9. A sign on the lawn
   at a drug rehab centre said: “Keep off the Grass.”
10. A small boy swallowed
    some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to
    ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

Silly Billy – But Who is Going to Tell Him?

See more silly jokes

Ludicrous Vice Presidential Faux Pas to Make You Giggle

Dan Quayle
was Vice President of the USA between 1989-1993. He quickly became famous
for his faux pas when speaking. Here we offer ten examples of funny
political quotes for you to enjoy:

1. Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
2. We’re
   going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
3. We have a
   firm commitment to NATO, we are a “part” of NATO. We have a firm commitment
   to Europe. We are a “part” of Europe.
4. The Holocaust was an obscene
   period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all
   lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.
5. Quite frankly,
   teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
6. It isn’t
   pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and
   water that are doing it.
7. It is wonderful to be here in the great state
   of Chicago.
8. I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only
   regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could
   converse with those people.
9. I love California, I practically grew up in
   Phoenix.
10. For NASA, space is still a high priority.

‘Waiter – There’s a Fly
in My Champagne’

A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas.
The waiter gave each
guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest
noticed that their glass contained a fly.

• The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass
• The Englishman
  demanded to have new champagne in a new glass
• The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne
• The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all
• The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne
• The Israeli caught the fly and
  sold it to the Chinese
• The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to
  have a new glass
• The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish
• The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then
  donated to the Englishman
• The American sued the restaurant and claimed
  for a $50 million compensation
• The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the
  throat and shouted, ‘Now spit out all that you swallowed.’

Willard Wigan

Willard Wigan specialises in micro-art.  Masterpieces on a pin-head.

In 2007 Willard deservedly received an MBE for services to art from HRH
the Prince of Wales.

Shortly after his award, Lloyds of London commissioned Willard to
create a replica of their iconic London Building as designed Lord Richard
Rogers. However, Willard’s masterpiece was on a pinhead.

See more about Willard Wigan

Put a Smile on Your Face at Sunset

See more interesting sunsets

Credit Crunch Jokes

Credit Crunch One Liners

• The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet.  The car’s been
  repossessed.
• A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of
  saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young
  executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.
• How do you define an optimist? A bank manager who irons 5 shirts on
  Sunday night.
• A man went to his bank manager and said, ‘I’d like to start a small
  business. How do I go about it?’
  ‘Simple,’ said the bank manager. ‘Buy a
  big one and wait.’
• What’s the difference between an investment banker and a pizza
  Margherita?  A pizza Margherita can feed a family of five.

See more Credit Crunch
Humour

Husband dressing after a game at his club

Here is one of the funniest videos that Will and Guy have seen.

The phone rings and the husband takes the call.
See what happens.