What we call 'Progress' is the exchange of one nuisance for
another nuisance. Havelock Ellis
Funny Joke Stories for March
Doreen Tackles 4 Youths
Drinking Fault Finding Guide
How to Speak Chinese
Mensa Test - From Washington Post
New Zealand Speak
Parking Tickets and Wheel Clamping Revenge
Toponymy - Funny Place
Here is a selection of our Funny Joke Stories for March :
This month's material combines clean jokes and funny stories. We also aim to
amuse - even surprise, but never to shock or offend.
Excerpts from this month's
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Q: I understand you're Donald Rowbotham's
Q: How long have you known him?
Old Man at the Dam - Funny Story
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when
it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't
been there for a while. He
grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He
made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We'
re not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't
come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.' Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast
How To Speak Chinese?
Are you harbouring a fugitive?...............Hu Yu Hai Ding?
Stupid man........................................Dum Gai
Small horse.......................................Tai Ni Po Ni
Examples of How to Speak New Zealand
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks -
exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Beard - a place to sleep
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Tin - one more than nine
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Caught with an Axe in his hand - Funny Joke Story
Mr Harris, the 3rd grade teacher asked, 'George Washington not only
chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Iris, do
you know why his father didn't punish him?' Iris replied, 'Because George still had the axe in his hand?'
Major concerns for being a parent:
1st baby: At the first sign of upset, the slightest cry you pick up the baby for a cuddle. 2nd baby: You
pick the baby up when her cries threaten to wake your neighbours. 3rd baby: You teach your 2 year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Will and Guy hope these
amusing collections will make you smile:
What led me to do this article is that I read a report by the journalist, Simon Hoggart in The Guardian in which he mentioned that he knew a man in New Zealand who collected airline sickness bags, now that is weird and we can only hope they are empty. Barbed Wire A man called Jesse S. James,
from Maywood California; USA has collected barbed wire since 1957. He displays his specimens on panels, has catalogued them and even written a book about them. It is a collector's
item itself but I am led to
believe it is out of print. Oil Rags Even stranger is Ed Haberman of Tama, Iowa; USA who collects used oil rags. He has done this since the 1950's
and has a collection totalling more than 13,000, which he has
washed and stored carefully in his home. Sad to report his love of oily rags is not shared by Mrs Haberman. Are you surprised?
Funny Place Names Located in the USA
Boring, can be found in Oregon [I wonder if it is?]
Hooker, can be found in California [And other places too]
Hellhole, is depressingly to be found in Idaho
Purgatory, is sadly in Maine
Needmore, is in the greedy state of
Hardup, is in the poor [you must be joking] state of Utah
Rudeville, surprisingly perhaps is in New Jersey
Hell, is in Michigan [Some
other places too, I suspect]
The Irish Mensa Test - Classic Funny Joke Story
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The
saying: 'If you don't use it, you will lose it', also applies to the
brain. Seamus O'Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for
three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogan's 'Just a
Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver'. It was suggested by the Irish Mensa
board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He
did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters
from the crowd and places himself on the Leather Seat and makes himself
comfortable. The lights dim and a spot light points at his face. Magnus says, 'Seamus, What subject are you studying?'
responds, 'Irish History'. 'Very well,' says Magnus, 'Your first Question: in what year did the
'Easter Rising take Place?'
Seamus responds, 'Pass.' 'OK,' says Magnus, 'Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?'
Seamus answers, 'Pass.' 'OK,' says Magnus, 'How long did the Easter Rising Last?'
again responds, 'Pass,' Instantly, a voice shouts from the audience, 'Good man Seamus....tell
the English nothing....'
March's Out-of-the-ordinary Events
1st St David's Day - Patron Saint of Wales
1st World Maths
1st National Pig Day
4th DeFriend Day (Facebook)
Chinese Lantern Festival
6th Alexander Bell makes the first phone call (1876)
6th Dentist's Day
International Women's Day
8th Mardi Gras New Orleans
9th St Joseph's Day (Mary's spouse)
9th No Smoking
Saving Time Starts USA
Holi Festival of Colours India
14th Pi Day Jokes
15th Ides of March (Julius Caesar assassinated 44BC)
17th St Patrick's Day
18th Ash Wednesday (2015)
Cooper Born (Comedian)
18th Red Nose Day
International Happiness Day
20th International Day of the
20th Macaron Day
20th Vernal Equinox
21st World Poetry Day
World Water Day (WWD)
23rd Budget (UK)
25th Lady Day (Quarter Day)
British Summer Time Starts
30th Doctor's Day (USA)
See other interesting events that happened in March back down
Dates for March - Test your knowledge
Zodiac Signs for March
Footnote: Please send us your funny joke stories
See more of Will and Guy's best clean jokes for each month:
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Special Day Today • Home •
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• November • December • Jokes Months