Funny Joke Stories for March

What we call 'Progress' is the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance.  Havelock Ellis

Funny Joke Stories for March

• Car Wash
• Doreen Tackles 4 Youths
• Drinking Fault Finding Guide
• Gnomes!
• How to Speak Chinese
• Lawyer Jokes
• Mensa Test - From Washington Post
• New Zealand Speak
• Parenthood
• Parking Tickets and Wheel Clamping Revenge
• Phone Call
• Rabbit Story
• Salary Review
• Stairlift
• Toponymy - Funny Place Names
• Unusual Collections
• Welsh Jokes

Here is a selection of our Funny Joke Stories for March :

This month's material combines clean jokes and funny stories.   We also aim to amuse - even surprise, but never to shock or offend.

Excerpts from this month's Lawyer Jokes

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Q: I understand you're Donald Rowbotham's mother. A: Yes. Q: How long have you known him?

Old Man at the Dam - Funny Story

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.  He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We' re not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.' Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast

How To Speak Chinese?

• Are you harbouring a fugitive?...............Hu Yu Hai Ding?
• Stupid man........................................Dum Gai
• Small horse.......................................Tai Ni Po Ni

Examples of How to Speak New Zealand

• Bun button - been bitten by insect
• Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
• Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
• Duffy cult - not easy
• Beard - a place to sleep
• Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
• Tin - one more than nine
• Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
• Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
• Brudge - structure spanning a stream

Caught with an Axe in his hand - Funny Joke Story

Mr Harris, the 3rd grade teacher asked, 'George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Iris, do you know why his father didn't punish him?' Iris replied, 'Because George still had the axe in his hand?'

Major concerns for being a parent:

1st baby: At the first sign of upset, the slightest cry you pick up the baby for a cuddle. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her cries threaten to wake your neighbours. 3rd baby: You teach your 2 year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Will and Guy hope these amusing collections will make you smile:

What led me to do this article is that I read a report by the journalist, Simon Hoggart in The Guardian in which he mentioned that he knew a man in New Zealand who collected airline sickness bags, now that is weird and we can only hope they are empty. Barbed Wire A man called Jesse S. James, from Maywood California; USA has collected barbed wire since 1957. He displays his specimens on panels, has catalogued them and even written a book about them. It is a collector's item itself but I am led to believe it is out of print. Oil Rags Even stranger is Ed Haberman of Tama, Iowa; USA who collects used oil rags. He has done this since the 1950's and has a collection totalling more than 13,000, which he has washed and stored carefully in his home. Sad to report his love of oily rags is not shared by Mrs Haberman. Are you surprised?

Funny Place Names Located in the USA

• Boring, can be found in Oregon [I wonder if it is?]
• Hooker, can be found in California [And other places too]
• Hellhole, is depressingly to be found in Idaho
• Purgatory, is sadly in Maine
• Needmore, is in the greedy state of Arkansas
• Hardup, is in the poor [you must be joking] state of Utah
• Rudeville, surprisingly perhaps is in New Jersey
• Hell, is in Michigan [Some other places too, I suspect]

The Irish Mensa Test - Classic Funny Joke Story

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: 'If you don't use it, you will lose it', also applies to the brain. Seamus O'Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogan's 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver'. It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and places himself on the Leather Seat and makes himself comfortable. The lights dim and a spot light points at his face. Magnus says, 'Seamus, What subject are you studying?' Seamus responds, 'Irish History'. 'Very well,' says Magnus, 'Your first Question: in what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?' Seamus responds, 'Pass.' 'OK,' says Magnus, 'Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?' Seamus answers, 'Pass.' 'OK,' says Magnus, 'How long did the Easter Rising Last?' Seamus again responds, 'Pass,' Instantly, a voice shouts from the audience, 'Good man Seamus....tell the English nothing....'

March's Out-of-the-ordinary Events

•  1st St David's Day - Patron Saint of Wales
•  1st World Maths Day
•  1st National Pig Day
•  2nd Texas Independence Day
•  4th DeFriend Day (Facebook)
•  Chinese Lantern Festival
•  6th Alexander Bell makes the first phone call (1876)
•  6th Dentist's Day
•  8th International Women's Day
•  8th Mardi Gras New Orleans
•  9th St Joseph's Day (Mary's spouse)
•  9th No Smoking Day (UK)
• Daylight Saving Time Starts USA
• Holi Festival of Colours India
• 14th Pi Day Jokes
• 15th Ides of March (Julius Caesar assassinated 44BC)
• 17th St Patrick's Day
• 18th Ash Wednesday (2015)
• 19th Tommy Cooper Born (Comedian)
• 18th Red Nose Day
• 20th International Happiness Day
• 20th International Day of the Francophonie
• 20th Macaron Day
• 20th Vernal Equinox
• 21st World Poetry Day
• 22nd World Water Day (WWD)
• 23rd Budget (UK)
• Maundy Thursday
• Good Friday
• 25th Lady Day (Quarter Day)
• British Summer Time Starts
• Easter Day
• 30th Doctor's Day (USA)

See other interesting events that happened in March back down the years.

• Dates for March - Test your knowledge
• Zodiac Signs for March

Footnote: Please send us your funny joke stories