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• A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said, ‘I haven’t
  seen you in a long time.’
  The man
  replied, ‘I know I’ve been ill’
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t
  expect it back.

Two men from Ireland were Talking in a Pub

‘I wouldn’t go to America if you paid me,’ said Michael.
‘Why is
that?’ asked the Patrick.

‘Well for one thing, they all drive on the right hand side of the
road there.’
‘And
what’s wrong with that?’ inquired Patrick.

‘Well’, said Michael, ‘I tried it driving in Dublin the other day and
it’s terrible.’

The Vicar is Buying a Parrot

‘Now, you’re sure it doesn’t scream, yell, or swear?’ he inquired.

‘Oh absolutely.  It’s a religious parrot,’ the storekeeper assures
him.  ‘Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one,
he recites the Lord’s Prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites
the 23rd Psalm.’

‘Brilliant. Wonderful!’ grins the Vicar, ‘but what happens if I pull
both strings?’

‘I fall off my perch, you twit!’ screeches the parrot.