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Mechanic v Doctor Story
Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan. Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix 'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'
Inverse of Murphy's Law
If something does go right subsequent events will show that it would have been better if it had gone wrong.
Kindly sent in by Stephen Willis
Funny Things Found in Returned Books: by Librarian Jan Bild
The Guardian newspaper is to be thanked for bringing this article to our attention having interviewed former librarian, Jan Bild, in Worthing after a 30 year career working in libraries.
The following strange articles were found in the books returned to the library:
- A rasher of uncooked bacon [presumably a book mark]
- A £10 note
- A shoelace
- One large feather
- A bag of hashish in a hole gouged in the book's centre pages
- A Pension book
- Love letters to Edith
- Vomit [sorry]
- Page where every letter 'O' had been coloured in
- Excrement [sorry again]
- Bank statements
Lateral Thinking Questions
1) Just read out loud what you see!
2) Apply what you have learned
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. 'This young man agreed to marry my daughter,' said one.
'No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,' said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.
'Bring me my biggest sword,' said Solomon, 'and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.'
'Sounds good to me,' said the first lady.
But the other woman said, 'Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.'
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. 'This man must marry the first
lady's daughter,' he proclaimed.
'But she was willing to hew him in two!' exclaimed the king's court.
'Indeed,' said wise King Solomon. 'That shows she is the true mother-in-law.'
Psychic Mother in law
When Roger came home, his wife, Norma, was crying. 'Your mother insulted me,' she sobbed.
'My mother?' spluttered Roger, 'How could she do that when she is on holiday on the other side of the world?'
'I know.' Norma gulped, 'But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.'
'At the end of the letter it was written: Dear Norma , When you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son, Roger.'
- A man went into a drug store in Baltimore, pulled a gun, announced
a robbery, and pulled a "Hefty-bag" face mask over his head. He then
and realised that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. He was
arrested by security men.
- A Belgium news agency reported, last year, that a man suspected of
robbing a jewellery store in Liege said he couldn't have done it
because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time.
Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
- Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a
chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the
bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home
............ With the chain still attached to the machine
............ With their bumper still attached to the chain.
............ With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. You couldn't make it up!
- When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
- Investigating a purse snatching, detectives picked up a man who
fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was
told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID.
The suspect carefully eyed the victim, and shouted, 'Yeah, that's the woman I robbed.'
A Witty, Wry, Stereotypical View of World Reaction to Terror Alerts
(Something to offend everyone! No nationality spared.)
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great plague of 1666.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent re that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks [the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath], New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is 'Croikey, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us.' In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate." Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!"; "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." There has never been a situation that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.
Jack the Treacle Eater - Funny Folly House
One story heard by Will and Guy is that of "Jack the Treacle Eater". The legend tells us that Jack was a local runner whose role was to carry messages for the Messiter family of Barwick Park, to London and back; we were told that he trained on treacle, to keep him going and hence his name.
Now, his commemorative tower can be found in Barwick Park, Somerset, England. Does the picture to the right remind you of a man with huge thighs? Or can you imagine those stones in the garden folly to be the messages?
The last wedding I was at there was a priest and a minister present.
When they brought the drinks round for the toast, the minister said, 'I'll have a large whisky.'
The priest commented, 'No alcohol for me I'd rather go with a scarlet
So the minister put his drink back and murmured, 'Sorry I didn't know there was a choice.'
Now as the best man, I don't want to offend anyone so if there is a priest or a minister present I apologise, and if there is a scarlet woman here: I'll meet you in the bar in 10 minutes!
Lightning and Trees
- It is extremely dangerous to stand under any tree during a thunderstorm.
- It is even more dangerous to stand under an oak than any other kind of tree.
- The next most risky trees to stand under are poplars and Scots pines.
- If you are determined be a complete maniac and stand under a tree during a lightning strike, but don't actually want to die, head for a beech. They are ten times less likely to be hit than oaks.
- According to the very few studies done, you are also much less likely to be hit by lightning under a sycamore, hawthorn or holly tree.
Stairway to Heaven
Funny Pub Names
We think these are good pub names, if Will and Guy were to open a new hostelry, this would be our short list of pub names:
- Devil's Punchbowl
- The Elusive Camel
- The Hung Drawn And Quartered
- The Fawcett Inn
- Dirty Nelly's
- The Hairy Lemon
- The Three-Legged Mare [locally known as The Wonky Donkey]
- The Hog In The Pound
- Pig and Whistle
- The Roaring Donkey
- Spread Eagle
- Dirty Dick's
- Filthy Mc Nasty's
- He that is afraid of bad luck will never know good. - Russian proverb
- I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. - Stephen Wright
- It is bad luck to fall out of a thirteenth story window on Friday. - American Proverb
- I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't. - Patrick Murray
- Do you believe that getting married on a Friday brings bad luck ? Of course, why would Friday be an exception? - Anon
- If a funeral car passes you should hide your thumb. - Japanese belief
- A black cat crossing the street in front of you causes bad luck.
- A rabbit's foot, a four-clover leaf, or a horseshoe, may ward off bad luck to the owner.
- Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
- Luck never made a man wise. - Seneca
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