Will and Guy's selection of witch jokes, stories and funny pictures.
Our research reveals a strange mixture of ancient and modern folklore.
also have witch stories with a grain of truth contrasting with Wicca
have no substance.
- A Coven of Witches (Wicce)
- The Coven of Pendle Witches, England 1612
- Salem Witchcraft Trials 1692
- 13 Witch Jokes (One for each member of the coven)
- Witches Broomsticks
- Top 10 Famous Witches
- Movies Featuring a Coven of Witches
- Beware! Witches on the Loose
Did you know that a coven of witches, means a gathering of 13 witches. Unfortunately, for some of us, a coven of witches can gather not just at Halloween, but at any time of the year.
Wife, mother-in-law, sister, niece, aunties, .... hmm that's a lot of witch power.
English has many nouns which apply to either gender for example, child, spy, or even angel. Originally witch was one of these neutral
nouns, but increasingly, witch is a female preserve, and the equivalent male
word became warlock.
There are other older words for witch, and they do have gender specific endings, wicca (male) and wicce (female). Curiously, the plural of wicca and wicce is wiccan.
The oldest pre-Christian meaning for wicce and wicca includes fortune-teller as well as creator of sorcery, medicine and black magic. As with many ancient cults, most of the wiccan secrets were passed on
by word of mouth. Then just when information started to be written down, witches were literally hunted down and killed, thus not much incentive for them to write things down! Indeed, the 't' first appears
in the word wiTch in reference to witch hunts in the 16th century.
Anglo-Saxon documents have the spelling as 'Wica'. Many Saxon
tribes had a 'wise man' or a 'wise woman', who were consulted for potions
to cure illnesses. It was a natural development of human nature to
produce magic potions, which may (or may not) act as love charms, or
spells to satisfy peoples' desires.
- One of the witch's coven gave birth to twins. The problem arose
when the other witches could not tell which witch was witch.
- Member Edna was a dog trainer by day, then by night she went
from wags to witches.
- When the coven travelled to an out-of-town gathering, Martha
could not make it, she was a poor traveller and phoned in broom
- Celia tried to fly to the coven meeting, but her broomstick
broke, no worries, she witch-hiked with Sheila.
- The other 12 witches asked Gladys why she put her broomstick in
the washing machine. Gladys replied that she wanted a clean sweep.
- Ivana kept on climbing up walls so now the other members of the
coven call her 'Ivy'.
- One day Astrid dropped off at the astrologer's, she wanted to
know her horror-scope.
- Leslie could not distinguish between Tiny Tina, and a stag the
coven were chasing. Betty said, 'It's easy, one is a haunted stag,
the other is a stunted hag'.
- Celia asked Edna why she carried a pencil sharpener. 'It's to
keep my hat pointed', came the reply.
- When Gladys went to the zoo she bought two tickets. Leslie
asked 'Why?'. 'One to get in, and one to get out replied Gladys'.
- Astrid asked Ivy where she bought her garden furniture. 'At the
Ideal Gnome' exhibition', came the reply.
- When ever the coven have a brew up, they always drink their tea
from a flying saucer.
- What happened when the coven's darts team lost all their
matches? They had a spell in the second division.
Please send us your funny witch jokes
Mum's a Witch
I think my Mum's a witch
In fact I'm pretty sure,
Though where she
keeps her pointy hat
I couldn't say.
But if I keep on looking
Someday I'll surely find
Just where she keeps
Her broomstick stashed
Kindly sent in by Alicia Moss
Here is a true story; the Pendle Witches actually existed back in
England in 1612. The coven of thirteen Pendle witches even have names: Magaret
Pearson, Elizabeth Southerns, Jennet Preston, Alizon Device, Elizabeth
Device, James Device, Anne Whittle, alias Chattox, Anne Redferne, Alice
Nutter, Katherine Hewitt, John Bulcock, Jane Bulcock and Isobel Robey.
The Pendle Witches' modus operandi was to create an effigy of the victim, often
out of clay. They stuck pins in the effigy, and then
burnt it. The witches believed this would cause the victim to fall ill
and die. More importantly, the subject of their witchcraft
also believed in the power of the 'picture of clay'.
At least 9 of the Pendle coven were hanged at the jail in Lancaster,
England in 1612. But before the women were hanged their accusers obtained
confessions. Here is an enlightening extract of how the coven of
about their evil trade in witchcraft.
Anne Whittle, alias Chattox sayth, that one Robert Nutter, late of
the Greene-head in Pendle, was bewitched by this examinate, the said
Demdike, and widdow Lomshawe, (late of Burnley) now deceased. And she
further sayth, that the said Demdike shewed her, that she had bewitched
to death, Richard Ashton.
- "I'm not a Witch; I'm your wife."
The Princess Bride
- God as now generally conceived of is only the last
- Witches are moon-birds, Witches are
the women of the false, beautiful moon. Amy Lowell,
Bloody Liz - Summon the Spirits
For this legend to work you need a darkened room with a big mirror.
When you are sitting comfortably light a candle, look into the mirror and
chant 'Bloody Liz' 13 times. (The number of witches in a coven.)
As you chant 'Bloody Liz' for the 13th time over your left shoulder you will
see a dark figure in a cloak.
Note 1: There were two 'Lizes', or Elizabeth's, amongst the coven of
Note 2: Modern versions of the summons of the spirits use 'Bloody Mary'
instead of 'Bloody Liz'.
The bare facts are these, from June to September of 1692, nineteen
witches were hanged at the aptly named Gallows Hill, near Salem in
Massachusetts. 13 of those hung were women, coincidentally 13 is
the number of witches in a coven. The other 6 were men, but do
remember that at this time men were called witches rather than warlocks.
Let us bear in mind that the Witchcraft trial took place against a
back-drop of 17th century Puritanism. What happened was that
6-year-old Betty Parris became ill in Salem. There is speculation
that she was poisoned by bread containing a fungus called ergot of rye.
Tituba, an Indian slave was a central figure in the saga.
Following pressure at her trial, Tibuta told tales of Satan instructing
her to do his work. At this distance, one has to speculate on
whether there was a language barrier here, did Tituba speak in English,
or were her words translated from a Native American dialect? The upshot of Tituba's
sensational confession was that the voices of those seeking to play down the
affair were drowned by those who thirsted after a good old Puritanical witch
A feature of the Salem
Witchcraft Trials is how ordinary(ish) actions could be attributed to
witchcraft if that was what was in the accuser's mind. Once they rounded
up a few likely suspects, frail old women who liked to drink and acted
strangely, there was no holding the hunt for witches. In four
separate hanging parties, 19 men and women were sent to the gallows
between June and September 1692.
It surprised me to learn that over 30 more suspects were rounded up
and tried for witchcraft, but these 30 were acquitted, thus the
Massachusetts Puritans seem to be true to their beliefs - even if those
beliefs were flawed as judged by history.
South of Utrecht in Holland is the infamous town of Oudewater, where some of the
world's strangest witch trials were held in the late 1500's. The accused
women 'were weighed on scales in the Heksenwaag (Witches' Weigh House),
Leeuweringerstraat 2, to determine whether or not they were witches' (Frommers). Why? Because it was widely believed at the time that witches had no
souls and weighed nothing, thus they could fly on brooms through the air
effortlessly. If you visit this town today you can be weighed and
receive a certificate (if you weigh enough) that states you are Not a
Evesham Witches 1410
Afterwards, perhaps one of these ladies, wishing to get some spite
against one of the gentlemen, will ride away in a heavy riding-cloak, the
hood over her head and a peaked hat on that, and she will call upon a witch.
The witch will answer the rapping at her humble door, and will come out,
dressed in a country dress - just an ill-fitting gown and hood, with some
attempt at classical ornament on the gown, or a cloak sewn with the sacred
initials thrown over her back. These two will bargain awhile for the
price of a leaden image to be made in the likeness of the ill-fated
gentleman, or, rather, a rough figure, on which his name will be scratched;
then the puppet will be cast into the fire and melted while certain evil
charms are spoken, and the malicious accident required to befall him will be
spoken aloud for the Devil's private ear.
Possibly some woman sought a witch near Evesham, England in the year
1410, and bought certain intentions against a tailor of that place, Badby by
name; for this much is certain: that the tailor was burnt for Lollardy ten
years after the first victim for Lollard heresy, William Sawtre.
Modern Day Witches and Witchcraft in India
Will and Guy were horrified to learn that witchcraft is still practiced
in India in the 21st century. What seems to happen is that when
disaster strikes, as it often does, there is something in the human
nature that wants to blame someone. In 'civilised' societies the
finger of blame is usually, and often rightly, pointed at a politician.
However, in rural and 'uncivilised' areas of India and Africa, people
vent their anger at an aged crone. As a result elderly, helpless
and often friendless woman are accused of witchcraft and held
responsible for all manner of local tragedies.
Unfortunately blame and finger pointing escalates into attach and even
murder of the poor unfortunate old woman. In 2008 one attack in
Assam resulted in two 'witches' being killed, beheaded and their skulls
paraded in the streets. In a neighbouring area other 'witches'
were stoned and buried alive for cursing someone who was a friend of the
As ever the way forward is education. And this is why the syllabus
for Indian schools has been altered to change perceptions of
witch-hunts. One surprising argument is that witch-hunts are
little more than a justification for culling the older women because
they can no longer bring anything to the community. This is why
the same study proposes that old women should be given bigger pensions
because would make them valuable to their families thus they would
protect rather than persecute old women.
The significance of a witches broomstick, or should it be witches'
broomsticks, is a fusion of several ideas.
- There is the plant fertility ritual where the women who plant the
crops and vegetables jump over the broomstick to urge the plants to grow
tall and strong.
- Linked to jumping over the broomstick is the idea that handfasting
couples would jump over the broomstick as part of a betrothal ceremony.
Hence the phrase 'living over the broomstick', meaning living together
- Witches are supernatural beings who need to fly, thus the broomstick
becomes the perfect vehicle for travelling to and from the
- Allied to this mystic idea is the use of the broomstick for a
witch's spells and other mischief.
- A more mundane use of witches broomsticks is for leaping over
streams and other rural obstacles.
More on Witches Broomsticks
While witches traditionally ride broomsticks, the male
equivalent, warlocks, ride pitchforks.
The raw material for fashioning broomsticks is witch-hazel.
Witches prefer besom brooms with their circular arrangement of bristles.
Modern brooms with their flat alignment of bristles maybe good for sweeping
leaves, but they are no good for witchcraft.
Did you Know?
Harry Potter preferred the Quidditch to the traditional witches
In Holland a witch was allowed to declare her broomstick as a tax deductable item.
While waiting for my wife, Paula, at the checkout at Waitrose supermarket
in Marmion Road, Southsea, I noticed that someone had left behind a broom.
When no one came back in looking for it, I nipped outside to search for a
couple I remembered seeing at the cashier's desk. I spotted them getting
into their car and hurried over.
'Excuse me,' I said to the young woman, 'but did you by any chance leave
a broom inside?'
'No,' she replied quickly and with a winning smile, 'we came by car.'
A Witch's Familiar
Explaining a witch's 'Familiar' is a complex topic. It can mean an
assistant, who could help the witch by keeping a lookout, and give
warnings of interlopers. A familiar can also mean an alter ego that a
witch could change into and thus move around un-detected. In both of
these roles you could think of familiars as evil spirits.
Cats, particularly black cats, are the most form of a witch's familiar.
However, they could be other animals such as toads, owls or even mice.
The uglier the beast the more suitable is to be a familiar.
See more on Halloween cats.
- Sleeping Beauty - The story would have no power without the evil
- The Witch of Rapunzel another witch from the coven of the Brothers
Grimm. This witch famously uses her hair to climb to the top of
- The Wicked Witch of the West, featured in the Wizard of Oz.
- Samantha Stephens in Bewitched. The star of the show, a benign
witch played by Elizabeth Montgomery.
- The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe - The Chronicles of Nania.
- Willow Rosenberg in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Alyson Hannigan
made this witch memorable.
- The Blair Witch Project. Cult film where characters are lost
in a Maryland wood.
- Anne Boleyn seems an unlikely witch; more a scapegoat for not
bearing Henry VIII any children. However, she did have a sixth
finger, a sure sign of a witch at least in the middle ages.
- The Witch of Endor is mentioned in the Bible: 'Behold there is
a woman that has a familiar spirit at Endor entioned in the Bible.' 1
- Old Dorothy Clutterbuck. An enigma, re-establishing the
'Wicca', in 20th century England.
- One of the oldest witches is Medea of Greek Mythology, she was
involved with Jason of the Golden Fleece. Few later witches sunk
to Medea's depths of killing their their own childen.
- The Witches of Eastwick. One of the best witches films,
starring Jack Nicolson, Cher, Michelle Pfeiffer and Susan Sarandon.
- Macbeth - Again not one witch but three!
Wookey* Hole, a cave near Wells in Somerset, England needed a new witch.
The Cottle family, who own the cave advertised for a witch. Over 3,000
witches applied, but it was Carole Bohanan who got the job and from now on
the she will be known as Carla Calamity, the Witch of Wookey Hole.
The broomstick was passed by Jane Brenner, Wookey's witch for the past
six years. Mrs Brenner said: "We didn't want anyone who would scare the
children. We wanted a good witch to meet and greet people and act as an
ambassador for the attraction. This isn't just a cushy job." The contenders
were whittled down from 300 to a final 15 who included a photographer, a
dive master, an aromatherapist, a local journalist, a tattooist and a
John Turner, another of the judges, was understandably nervous at the
consequences of failing to pick the right candidate. He said: "One candidate
is carrying around a bottle of her own urine. She drank half of it before we
could stop her."
The original witch of Wookey Hole was an old woman who lived in the caves
with only a goat for company. According to legend the she was turned to
stone with a splash of holy water after a monk from Glastonbury came to
investigate complaints that she was casting spells on farm animals.
* Guy thought that Wookey meant witch, but no he is wrong. Some
locals say that Wookey means a trap, while others claim that it's an old
word for a cave.
Shakespeare's Macbeth - The Witches' Caldron
newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog'
and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing'
'For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and babble'
'Double, double, toil and trouble,
Fire burn, and caldron bubble'
Witches at Halloween
Halloween is the witches favourite time of year. On the night of
Samhain, 31st October, witches gather in their coven. The purpose
of this meeting is to weave spells; for examples witches
cast spells to sever sour relationships and end bad situations. If
possible witches should create such destructive spells during the waning
phase of the moon.
While the three witches in Shakespeare's Macbeth were concerned with
predicting the future (Double, double toil and trouble). At Halloween, a coven of witches
traditionally focuses their attention on the spirits of the dead.
Indeed, this is where the black cat comes into the legend, for it is
believed that a witch can turn into a black cat and thus freely enter
the spirit world.
Witches use the powers of the waxing moon to improve the efficacy of
good luck spells. For example, they use white candles for positive
energy and green candles for healing. Here is a witches spell to
cure nightmares: repeat this incantation 13 times:
'Red leaves, gift from earth,
Birth to death and death to birth,
Keep all evil far away,
Day to night and night to day.'
Here is a famous witches poem - The Witching Hour by John Keats
Tis the witching hour of night,
Or bed is the moon and bright,
the stars they glisten, glisten,
Seeming with bright eyes to listen
For what listen they?
- Rosemary's Baby (1967) film by Roman Polanski (book by Ira
- Crowhaven Farm (1970) Maggie and Ben move into the farm to try
to save their troubled marriage. They soon see why the farm has a
reputation for being haunted by spirits, and why it maybe the home
of an ancient coven of witches.
- Deadtime Stories (1986) A traveller falls victim to a coven of
- Practical Magic (1998) With Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman are
- Underworld (2003) by Len Wiseman.
- Charmed T.V. Series.
- Coven of Witches read by Vincent Price. (He of Dracula Fame)
Unfortunately, we have not been able to get a copy or a transcript of
Film Featuring a Coven of Witches.
Please send us your stories about a coven