Funny Grumpy Old Men
- The Funny Ideas and Thoughts of Mr Grumpy
- Grumpy Old Men In Action
- How to Solve the Problem of Crowded Jails
- Funny Grumpy Woman Story
- They MUST retire - Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
- They MUST buy a new British car - Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
- They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed
- They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed
- They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ..... And there's your money back in duty/tax.
How to Solve the Problem of Crowded Jails in the UK - An Idea from Mr GrumpyLet us put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs et and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, pyjamas and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily 'phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. ..... And the criminals? The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out. Kindly sent in by Maggie Nutt.
Five Further Funny Thoughts of a Grumpy Old Man
- 'Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.'
- Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
- Of all my husband's relatives, I like me best.
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
- If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
A. A. A. D. D. - Classic Grumpy Old Man SyndromeRecently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque (check) book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered. I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day:
- The car isn't washed.
- The bills aren't paid.
- There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface.
- The flowers don't have enough water.
- There is still only one cheque in my chequebook.
- I can't find the TV remote.
- I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Cantankerous Man in the SupermarketWalter and his wife Masie are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser beer and puts it in their shopping cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks Masie. 'They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans Walter replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along Masie picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks Walter. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Bud and it's half the price.' Walter never knew what hit him. The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was: 'Clean-up on aisle 7, we have a husband down.' Footnote: Please send us your funny grumpy old men stories.
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