English dairy farmers
keep their cows happy and productive by giving them regular brush-ups in
the cow wash. They fit the over-sized brush to their milking
sheds, thus keeping the cows clean and content. A DeLeval spokesman claimed that brushing improved the cows' blood
circulation, which in turn boosted milk production by 3.5%. 'Daisy 153' looks to be purring with pleasure!
The RSPCA was called to rescue the heifer called 'Spinner' from a field
at Higher Fraddon, St Columb, Cornwall, England. The cow had to be freed
after getting her head stuck in a fly-tipped washing machine drum. The lucky cow escaped injury after her ordeal; but the animal charity
warned today that fly tipping can cause animals harm. 'It is one of the more
unusual things we had had to rescue an animal from,' said RSPCA spokeswoman
Jo Barr. 'Young cows are quite curious, and she probably thought there was
some food inside the drum,' she added. A member of the public spotted the frustrated 'Spinner' trying to free
herself from the metal drum. RSPCA inspector David Hobbs rescued the heifer,
and she has since returned to her herd unharmed. Lesson: Keep your nose out of things that do not concern you.
The Last Word From Spinner: I used to like all farm vehicles
but now I am an extractor fan!
Members of the public spotted the bullock with its head in the ladder. An
animal charity has rescued an animal in South Ayrshire, Scotland, which had
got its head stuck in a ladder Will and Guy can reveal. Members of the public called the Scottish SPCA [Society for the
Prevention of Cruelty to Animals] after spotting the bewildered beast in a
field beside the Troon to Barassie road recently. An inspector contacted the farmer who owned the Belgian Blue bullock and
helped return it to the herd unharmed. The farmer, who owns the bull,
told Will and Guy that he had no idea how the ladder came to be in the
A Sussex policeman has been hospitalised after being attacked by a herd
of young tearaways. In this case, the violent gang consisted of 50 cows.
Inspector Chris Poole received four broken ribs and a punctured lung after
the normally docile animals butted and stamped on him when he was out
walking his dog on the South Downs. One angry cow charged him in the back,
forcing him to the ground, before the others members of the herd joined in. Mr Poole said he only managed to escape when Zak, his faithful golden
retriever, ran away and the cows chased after it. Inspector Poole then
managed to attract the attention of another dog walker, who called for an
air ambulance. The RSPCA said cows could become protective of their young to the point
of becoming aggressive, especially if a large dog was nearby. There are no
plans to place an ASBO on the herd.
Short Cow Jokes
Two farmers are talking to each other over a
5-bar gate when one turns to the others and asks: 'Do your cows smoke? No, answered the first one, surprised. Well then your
cowshed must be burning!
What do you get if you milk a forgetful Frisian cow?
Milk of Amnesia.
Why did the Daisy the cow wear a bell
around her neck?
Because her horn didn't work.
True Life Cow Humour
My husband and I were watching the western movie: "Chisholm". The evil lawmen are shooting innocent men, instead of bringing them to
trial; Chisholm arrives, to prevent a massacre; he brings men on horseback
and a herd of cattle, which ploughs through the town, causing dust, the
sound of pounding hooves and loud mooing .... I ask my husband: "Are they providing a diversion?" "Yes. But they are COW ACTORS. They GET PAID." I start to visualise the audition process. "Can you run fast, and moo
loudly? Sorry, you are not mooing loud enough Cow No. 44. Next ..."
Two west country yokels were on the train heading homewards through
Somerset, England when one of them noticed some cows. 'What a lovely bunch of cows.' he remarked.
'Not a bunch, herd,' his
mate replied. 'Heard of what?'
'Herd of cows.' 'Of course I've heard of cows.' 'No, a cow herd.' 'What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow.'
cows, Daisy and Ermintrude were chatting over the fence between their
fields. Daisy speaks first, 'I tell you, this mad cow disease is really
pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down
on the Thomas's Farm.' Ermintrude looks up and replies, 'I'm not worried in the slightest, it
doesn't affect us chickens.'
BSE Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (BSE) is commonly known as Mad Cow Disease.
It is believed, but not proven, that the disease may be transmitted to human
beings who eat infected meat. An alternative explanation is that BSE
is inhaled by coming into contact with the dust from products made from
More Cow Humour
Communism: You have two cows. The government
seizes them both, and then gives you some sour milk.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a
British democracy: You have two cows. You feed
them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
Naziism: You have two cows. The Government shoots you
and takes the cows.
How to get your cow to market. And they say that dogs look like their
A Double Lesson
A carload of hunters, on holiday, were looking for a place to hunt,
pulled into a farmer's yard in County Waterford, Ireland. The driver,
Brannagh, went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on the farmer's
land. The old farmer said, 'Sure you can hunt, but would you be doing me a
favour? That old donkey standing over there is 20 years old and sick with
cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?' Brannagh replied, 'Of course I will,' and strolled back to the car. While walking back, however, Brannagh decided to play a trick on his
hunting friends. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer
had said if it was alright, he said, 'No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going
to teach that old fellow a lesson he won't forget.' With that, the Irishman rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and
shot the donkey. As he shouted, 'To be sure, that will teach him,' a second
shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting mates yelled,
'And me, begorrah, I got the cow.'
Cows really do give more milk when they listen to music in the milking
parlour. Ask your government for a grant to study the effect of music on
milk production. Then make your fortune by inventing an iPod for cows so
they can listen to music as they graze!
In the Indian language, the literal translation of the Sanskrit word for
'War' is, 'we want more cows'
It would take a huge herd of around 2,500 cows to supply the 20,000 Wilson
footballs that the NFL needs for each season's games. However, no cows die
when the English soccer season kicks off. The reason is that soccer
footballs are made from synthetic materials.
Bamboozle the innumerate. Tell them that it takes 20 pints of milk to
make one pint of butter. Then ask them how many gallons of milk would it
take to make a gallon of butter? (Naturally, the answer is 20 gallons.)