Teachers Tales

What was Camelot famous for?  Its
knight life!

• History and Maths Lesson
• History Lesson
• Teacher's Excuse Notes
• Schoolboy Howlers
• Will Richard
  Notice?  - Funny Pupil Tale
• Some Funny Teachers' Tales
• What My Mother Taught Me (Good)

Adoption Explained

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a
family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the
other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, 'I know all about
Adoption, I was adopted ...'

'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked another child.

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead
of her tummy!'

Footnote:
Adoption story kindly sent in by Beryl
Wilson

History and Maths Lesson

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede*. They gather around the guide who says, 'This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.'

A fellow at the front of
the crowd asks, 'When did that happen?'

'1215, 'answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, 'Gee whiz - Just missed it by a half hour.'

Footnote:

*The Runneymede meadows are on the banks of the Thames, in the county of Berkshire, England.  Fortunately, the land is now owned and preserved by the National Trust.

History Lesson

Teacher: 'Jimmy........ who was Anne
Boleyn?'  Jimmy: 'She was a flat-iron.'

Teacher: 'What on earth do you mean?'
Jimmy: 'Well, it says here in the history book, 'Henry VIII, having disposed of Catherine of Aragon, pressed his suit with
Anne Boleyn.'

Memorable Science Lesson

Will Richard Notice?
- Funny Pupil Tale

Richard, a fresher, at USC [University of Southern California] 'phoned
his Mother one evening from his college room and asked her for some money
because he was flat broke.

His Mother sighed, 'OK, Richard. I will send you some money. Then she
added, 'Oh by the way, you also left your economics book here when you
visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?'

'Ummm, oh yeah, you better, yes, OK,' Richard replied vaguely.

So his Mum wrapped the book along with the cheques in a package, kissed
Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she returned, Dad inquired, 'Well how much did you give the boy this
time?'

'Oh, I wrote two cheques, one for 20 pesos, and the other for $1,000 out to
him.'

'That's $1020!' yelled Dad, 'Are you mad, have you gone totally bonkers?'

'Don't worry darling,' Richard's Mother answered with a wide grin, 'I
taped the 20 pesos cheque to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one
somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!'

Some Funny Teachers' Tales

Mr Peter Whittaker, a school teacher, injured his back playing soccer one
holiday and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body for
a week or so; it fitted under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the new term, still with the cast under his shirt, Mr
Whittaker found himself assigned to the toughest students in Wallington
School.  Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window
as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.  When a strong
breeze made his tie flap, Mr Whittaker took the desk stapler and stapled the
tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline at Wallington School ever after.

The Lord's Prayer - Update by Rebecca

Carolyn was teaching her 3 year old daughter, Rebecca, the Lord's prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime Rebecca repeated it after her mother. One
night she said she was ready to solo.  Carolyn, as all mothers would,
listened with pride as Rebecca carefully enunciated each word right up to
the end, 'Lead us not into temptation' she prayed, 'but deliver us some
e-mail, Amen.'

Teacher's Excuse Notes

• Mary-Ann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all
  over. I wasn't
  the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
• Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is
  gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Schoolboy Howlers

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only
because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'And you, you brute'

Computers Enable Children To Tell Jokes In School

Will and Guy have found out that new computer software program has been
developed that can tell jokes. The software is known as The System to
Augment Non-speakers' Dialogue Using Puns [ acronym = Standup].The programme
allows the youngsters to generate puns, helping them overcome language
barriers.

It has been developed by researchers at Aberdeen, Dundee and Edinburgh
Universities and successfully trialled by eight pupils at a Glasgow school
in Scotland. The system was created in response to research which found that
computerised speech aids could restrict the development of a child's
language skills as their speech tends to stick to the essentials and lacks
spontaneity.

The software creates the opportunity for puns using dictionaries and
information about words. This enables children to amuse family and friends
with jokes as the computer acts as a helper to the child, by letting them
browse through joke forms and try out words and phrases.

Maths Teaching Made Easier

As ex-teachers Will and Guy get the feeling that education is
increasingly becoming dumbed down and the teachers are working harder than
the pupils.  Take this history of maths down the years.

Teaching Maths in 1962:
A logger sells a truckload of
lumber for 100 pesos. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is
his profit?

Teaching Maths in 1972:
A logger sells a truckload of
lumber for 100 pesos. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or 80
pesos. What is his profit?

Teaching Maths in 1982:
A logger sells a truckload of
lumber for 100 pesos. His cost of production is 80 pesos. Did he make a
profit?

Teaching Maths in 1992:
A logger sells a truckload of
lumber for 100 pesos. His cost of production is 80 pesos and his profit is
20 pesos. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Maths in 2002:
A logger cuts down a
beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing
for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does
this so he can make a profit of 20 pesos. What do you think of this way of
making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Maths in 2012:
Un hachero vende una
carretada de madera para 100 pesos. El costo de la producci? En es 80
pesos...

What My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
   'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
   'You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL.
   'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
   'Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
   'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
   'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
   'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the
   science of OSMOSIS.
   'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
   'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about
    STAMINA.
    'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about
    HYPOCRISY.
    'If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My
    mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
    'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
    'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
    'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
    'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
    'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just
    like you'.

Footnote:
We would be most interested in your funny
teacher's tales.