Funny Stories About Drunks

Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.

• Story About an Early Morning Drunk
• Advanced Driving Test
• Not Drunk - Just Plain Dumb
• Big Boozing Badger
  Doesn't Budge

Story
About an Early Morning Drunk

Rodney and his wife Wilma are awakened at 3 o'clock early one Saturday morning by a loud pounding on the door.  Rodney gets up and goes to the door where he sees a drunken stranger, standing in the
pouring rain.

'Give us a push' says the swaying stranger. 'Not a chance', says the husband, 'It is three o'
clock in the morning.'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?'
asked his wife. 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push', he answers.

'Did you help him?'
Wilma asks.  'No. I did not. It is three o'
clock in the morning and it is pouring with rain outside.

His wife said, 'Don't
you remember about three months ago when we broke down and
those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Rodney does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello! Are you still there? 'Yes', comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?'
calls out Rodney.  'Yes. Please.'
comes the reply from the darkness.

'Where
are you?'
asks Rodney.

'Over here on the swing', replies the drunk.

Not Drunk - Just Plain Dumb

A robber wielding an ornamental sword returned to the service station he had apparently just held up when he realised he had left his swag behind, police told News.com.au. The 20-year-old man
approached an attendant at a service station in South Perth, Australia at about 1.30am and allegedly demanded money and cigarettes. The attendant took money from the till and packets of cigarettes and placed
them in a bag.

The offender fled on foot across the Canning highway before realising he had left the bag in the service station. Police report he returned to find the door locked and begged the
attendant to let him back in for his booty. The attendant refused so the offender fled again.

Police caught up with him several streets away, supposedly still wielding his sword. It is thought that the
same man held up the service station on August 17, commented police.

He was charged with two counts of armed robbery and will appear in Perth Magistrates Court soon.

See more funny
Australian stories.

Big Boozing Badger Doesn't Budge

Inebriated Badger in Funny Drinking Tale

Will and Guy have heard that a drunken badger passed out in the middle of
the road near Goslar in Germany. The badger had been consuming over-ripe
cherries which fermented in his stomach causing him to have diarrhoea as
well as a hangover.

Apparently he staggered into the road where he collapsed and refused to
move when police officers tried to scare him away. Police then had to chase
the boozy badger off the road into a nearby meadow using a yard brush;
there, the inebriate fell asleep again.

Advanced
Driving Test

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!

Keep Talking ...

Officer Williams pulls over a speeding car. He says, "I clocked you at 85
miles per hour, sir."

Nigel, the driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at
60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting, Betty, the wife says: 'Now don't be
silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As Officer Williams writes out the ticket, Nigel looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once, Betty!! ?"

Betty smiles sweetly and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your
radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As Officer Williams makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit , Nigel glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth,"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

Nigel replies, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it
off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."

Betty chips in again, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as Officer Williams is writing out the third ticket, Nigel turns to
his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at Betty and asks, "Does your husband always talk
to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, no. Only when he's been drinking."

Drinking or Yoga?  Which Do You Prefer?

Footnote:
Please send us your
funny stories about drunks.