Funny Senior Moments

Here is Will and Guy’s collection of funny senior moments, humour,
and amusing stories.

Senior Moments – Jokes, Stories and Funny Pictures

• Sympathetic Look
  at “Senior Moments Humor”
• Clean Examples of
  Funny Senior Moments
• Funny Tale of a Lost
  Senior Citizen
• Quotations Which May
  Make You Smile
• Yes, I am a Senior Citizen
• More Funny Senior Moments
• Lost in His Own Back Yard?
• Funny Retirement Quotes

An Alternative, Funny and
Sympathetic Look at “Senior Moments Humor”

Will and Guy have learned that the expression senior moment was
apparently coined in America in the mid-nineties, but has become more
widely used in the UK during the past couple of years.

Originating with specific reference to seniors or senior
citizens – people aged sixty or over – it has now entered more
general use and can be applied in any situation where someone experiences
a momentary lapse of memory, regardless of their age.

The term highlights the idea that our brains simply weren’t built to
cope with the information overload and stress generated by life in the
21st century.

An absent-minded activity, like putting your furniture polish in the
fridge or your prepared casserole in the cupboard, can also be referred to
as a senior moment.

Will’s wife once put the roast beef in the top oven,
of a two oven cooker, set the timer for the bottom oven
and went out shopping expecting, on her return, a cooked joint of
meat…………………….no.  Baked beans on toast were the order of that day!

Will and Guy’s Best Clean Examples of Funny Senior Moments

Archie

Archie, aged 88, has a problem with his house.  It has two storeys. It
has stairs. When he use the stairs, Archie stops midway to catch his
breath.  His main problem is that, when he is ready to start again, Archie
is unable to remember whether he was going upstairs or downstairs.

Old Hat

A letter to a national UK newspaper in the 1950’s declared: ‘My
grandfather, who is 87, has been converted to nudism. He sits all day long
in the greenhouse without a stitch on except for his hat. When I asked him
what he wants with a hat on if he’s a nudist he hits out at me with his
walking stick and hollers, “Because I’m bald.”

A Hand for the Bash

In his later life, a former Bishop of Lincoln, UK, found himself having
difficulty rising from a park bench where he had stopped to take the
weight off his feet. After struggling ineffectively, he was delighted when
a little girl offered a helping hand.

‘That’s very kind of you my dear,’ he told her, ‘But are you really
strong enough?’

‘Oh yes, the child retorted, ‘I’ve often helped my daddy when he was
much drunker than you.’

That was your last senior moment………

Funny Tale of a Lost Senior Citizen

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park
bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He told me, ‘I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee.’

I continued, ‘Well, then why are you crying?’

He added, ‘She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite
biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest
of the afternoon.’

I said, ‘Well, why are you crying?’

He said, ‘For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.’

I inquired, ‘Well then, why in the world would you be crying?’

He replied, ‘I can’t remember where I live.’

Quotations Which May Make You Smile, Laugh, Guffaw or Even Cry

• Apparently this is a true story:When WC Fields, the actor, was in his dotage he was seen to be reading
  the Bible by a close friend who demanded to know what he was looking for.

  ‘Loopholes, dear boy, loopholes,’ murmured Fields.

• Old George, told Guy only last week that, ‘I’m not 80
  – I’m merely 28 with 52 years’ experience.’
  
• Growing old is like being penalised for a crime you haven’t committed.
• Will says, ‘I don’t drink anymore, I can get the same feeling from
  standing up quickly.’
• Anyone can get old, all you have to do is live long enough. – Groucho
  Marx
• During a tour in South Wales, UK, playing to the former mining
  communities with enormous success. Dame Sybil Thorndike found herself at a
  reception at a place called Tenby in Dyfed, Wales.She was introduced to the assembly as the guest of honour by a rather
  senile vicar who said, ‘ I am delighted to have the pleasure of welcoming
  to our town Dame Sybil, a famous member of the oldest profession in the
  world.’

Old Memories

Two elderly people are living in a retirement home near Fareham, he was
a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One
evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went
on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage
to ask her, ‘Will you marry me?’

After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered ‘Yes.
Yes, I will!’
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges,
they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. ‘Did
she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?’ He couldn’t remember.

Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he
explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more
courage, he inquired, ‘When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘
Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?’

He was delighted to hear her say, ‘Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will.’ and
I meant it with all my heart.’

Then she continued, ‘And I am so glad that you called, because I
couldn’t remember who had asked me.’

Senior in the Off-licence

There was a bit of confusion in the off-licence this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my whisky, the check-out assistant said to me,
‘Strip down facing me.’

Making a mental note to complain to my Member of Parliament about
excessive security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to my debit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

More Funny Senior Moments

A former Sheriff of Doncaster, Yorkshire, UK had a particularly
irksome, long and tiring day carrying out his civic duties.

That evening he came to blows, and was later fined £20, [$30.50 USD],
for confronting a “canoodling couple” outside his bedroom window while he
was trying to sleep.

In the court the evidence presented put the ages of the couple
canoodling as 77 and 83.

Old Flame?

Two elderly guests, Martin and Chris, attended a party given by a
business associate to mark his daughter’s engagement to a man she had been
living with for three years, were grumbling about the decline in moral
standards.

‘All these people sleeping together before they’re married,’ Martin
muttered indignantly. ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we were married.
Did you?’

‘I don’t know,’ answered Chris thoughtfully. ‘What was her maiden
name?’

More Senior Moment Snippets

• There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
  it. For example, I’m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
  don’t hurt
• I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones
  that everyone has clipped on. I can’t afford one so I’m wearing my garage
  door opener.
• I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease … that’s when your chest
  is falling into your drawers.

Yes, I am a Senior Citizen

1. I’m the life of the party – even if it lasts until 8 pm.
2. I’m very good at opening childproof caps – with a hammer.
3. I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am
   going.
4. I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re
   saying.
5. I’m very good at telling stories; over and over and over and
   over…………..
6. I’m not really grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting,
   crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, barking dogs, politicians
   and a few other things I can’t seem to remember right now.
7. I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
8. I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when
   did they let kids become policemen?And, how can my kids
   be older than I feel sometimes?
9. I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be
   alive at 150?
10. I’m a walking storeroom of facts – I’ve just lost the key to the
    storeroom door.

Aging Problems

Visiting Doctor Ross last month Paula, a long retired schoolteacher,
explained in some detail her problems while he listened very patiently.

‘Now, Paula,’ said Doctor Ross, ‘you say you have shooting pains in your
neck, aching knees, frequent dizzy spells, and constant nausea. Just for the
record, how old are you?’

‘Ah, yes,’ Paula spoke brightly, ‘I’ll be 49 on my next birthday.’

‘Really?’ commented the doctor quietly,  ‘I see you have slight
memory loss, too.’

Funny Senior Texting Moments

Senior Texting Codes

Now that we oldies can text, here are some helpful texting ideas.
Young people have their acronyms, now seniors have their own texting
codes:

Top 10 Senior Texting Codes

* ATD – At the Doctor’s

* BFF – Best Friend’s Funeral

* BTW – Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth

* DWI – Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW – Forgot Where I Was

* FYI – Found Your Insulin

* LOL – Living on Lipitor

* ROFL…CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing…Can’t get Up!

* TOT – Texting on Toilet

* WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

See more funny senior text codes »

Another Funny Tale of a Senior

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a
difference” in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted
by the remarkable achievements of other seniors who have found the courage
to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

George is such a person. He told us, ‘I’ve often been asked, ‘What do
you do now that you’re retired?’

‘Well…I’m fortunate to have a
chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is
converting beer, wine and whisky into urine. It’s rewarding, uplifting,
satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.’

George should be an inspiration to us all.

Amusing Yarns About Those Pensioned Off

Lost in His Own Back Yard?

One day a police panda car pulled up to Granny’s
home and Grampy got out. The constable explained that this elderly gentlemen had said he was lost in the Victoria park.

‘Why, Ivor, ‘said Granny, ‘You’ve been going there for over 30 years! How on earth could you say you had got lost?’

Leaning close to Granny so the police officer couldn’t
hear, he whispered, ‘Wasn’t
exactly lost. I was just
too tired to walk home.’

Footnotes:
Please send us your funny senior moments.