Will and Guy's Collection of Funny Scottish Jokes and One LinersWhat's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe? You can tune a lawn mower.
- Will and Guy's Five Best Funny Scottish Jokes
- Haggis Special - Special Haggis?
- 7 Funny Scottish One-liners
- Scotsmen Encouraging the Loch Ness Monster
- Scottish Humour
A Thoughtful Scottish HusbandDid you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'She replied, 'Awe Iain that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?''Nah, I'm just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'
- Old Sandy McPherson was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked, 'Anything I can get you, Sandy?'No reply.'Have ye no' a last wish, Sandy?' Faintly, came the answer ... 'A wee bit of yon boiled ham.''Wheesht, man,' said Maggie, 'ye ken fine that's for the funeral.'
- A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says, 'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband.'The man at the desk says, 'OK, how much money dae ye have?'The old woman replies, '£5' to which the man says, 'Ye won't get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok.' So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter. The man reads 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid.' He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things, saying, 'I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words fer ye money.'The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads - 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for sale.'
- Hamish McHarg, a Scottish minister, was making his rounds to parish homes to receive their tithes and offerings.One of his parishioners gave, but had a distinctly stingy attitude when parting with his money without receiving something in return.As he put the gift away, Hamish commented dryly, 'Tha Good Book says tha Lord loves a cheerful giver, but the Church o' Scotland canna be so choosy.'
- Alisdair Biggar, a Scotsman, applied to join to the New York City police force. The inspector glared at him and asked, 'How would you disperse a large, unruly crowd?' 'Well,' replied Alisdair thoughtfully, 'I'm no too sure how ye do it here in New York, but in Aberdeen we just pass the hat around, and they soon begin to shuffle off.'
- Celts are unique in that they can take the two instruments that annoy the most people in the world and place them in the "same band". Drums and bagpipes.
Funny Scottish One-linerAt an art auction in Edinburgh, Scotland, a wealthy American lost his wallet containing £20,000 [$45,000]. He announced to the gathering that that he would give a reward of £200 to the person who found it.From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give £250.'
Ear MuffsWinters can be extremely cold in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker, Archie.Noticing, however, that Archie wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest day, the owner asked, 'Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?' Archie replied, not wishing to upset his employer, 'Och, they are a wondrous thing.''Then why don't you wear them then?'Archie explained, 'I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didnae hear him.'
- Sign at a Scottish golf course: 'Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling.'
- Do you know the first people in the UK to have double glazing were the Scots?...It was so their bairns couldn't hear the ice cream vans.
- How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?...Och! it's no that dark!
- Have you heard about the lecherous Scotsman who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings? .... He sold her four of them.
- A Scotsman took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi...She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter.
- Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Scottish Caddie: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
- What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe? You can tune a lawn mower.
Classic Scotsman, Englishman, Irishman and Welshman JokeAn Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'See more Englishman, Irishman.... jokes
The Secret of a Scotsman's KiltA foreigner lady visitor cornered a Scotsman in the Highland Games ground and asked: 'I heard of Scotsmen and their kilts. Do you mind telling me what's worn under your kilt?'Nothing is worn under the kilt Madam; everything is in good working order', answered the Scot smiling.[Scottish Joke kindly sent in by MoiMoii Law]