Funny Rules of Life

• Rules of Life
• Rules of the Stock market Life
• Funny Rules of Life
• The Little Rules of Life

Rules of Life

• I can only please one person each day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow is not looking good either.
• Tell me what you need, and I’ll
  tell you how to get along without it.
• Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.
• I love deadlines. I especially
  like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
• I don’t
  have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
• My reality check bounced.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• I don’tsuffer from stress. I am a carrier.
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t
  there the first time, chances are you
  won’t
  be needing them again.
• Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

Rules of the Stock
Market Life

The stock market, be it on Wall Street or the Stock Exchange is always in the news. We think you may like to see these ‘headlines’ on the stock market news:

• Pencils lost a few points
• Elevators rose
• Mining equipment hit rock bottom
• Helium was up
• Beef steered into a bull market
• Paper was stationary
• Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading
• Weights were up in heavy trading
• Feathers were down
• Light
  switches were off
• Shipping lines stayed at an even keel
• The market for raisins dried up
• Balloon prices were inflated
• Kleenex tissue touched a new bottom
• Knives were up sharply
• Sun stocks peaked at midday
• Diapers [Nappies] remain unchanged.

Funny Rules of Life

• A pat on the back is only a few
  centimetres from a kick in the butt.
• Everybody is somebody else’s
  weirdo.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• Eat
  a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t
  .
• If it wasn’t
  for the last minute, nothing
  would get done.
• When you don’t
  know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, ‘How would the Lone Ranger
  handle this?’

The Little Rules of Life

Sing in the shower.
Treat everyone you meet like you want to be
treated.
Watch a sunrise at least once a year.
Leave the toilet seat
in the down position.
Never refuse homemade brownies.
Strive for
excellence, not perfection.
Plant a tree on your birthday.
Learn 3
clean jokes.
Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.
Compliment 3 people every day.
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone
you love them.
Leave everything a little better than you found it.
Keep it simple.
Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.
Become
the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
Floss your teeth.
Ask for a raise when you think you’ve earned it.
Overtip breakfast
waitresses.
Be forgiving of yourself and others.
Say, “Thank you” a
lot.
Say, “Please” a lot.
Avoid negative people.
Buy whatever kids
are selling on card tables in their front yards.
Wear polished shoes.
Remember other people’s birthdays.
Commit yourself to constant
improvement.
Carry jumper cables in your truck.
Have a firm handshake.
Send lots of Valentine cards.
Sign them, “Someone who thinks you’re
terrific.”
Look people in the eye.
Be the first to say hello.
Use
the good silver.
Return all things you borrow.
Make new friends, but
cherish the old ones.
Keep a few secrets.
Sing in a choir.
Plant
flowers every spring.
Have a dog. (Or cat)
Always accept an
outstretched hand.
Stop blaming others.
Take responsibility for every
area of your life.
Wave at kids on school busses.
Be there when people
need you.
Feed a stranger’s expired parking meter.
Don’t expect life
to be fair.
Never underestimate the power of love.
Drink champagne for
no reason at all.
Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation.
Don’t be afraid to say, “I made a mistake.”
Don’t be afraid to say, “I
don’t know.”
Compliment even small improvements.
Keep your promises no
matter what.
Marry for love.
Rekindle old friendships.
Count your
blessings.
Call your mother.

by H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Footnote:
Please send us your funny rules of life